Overwhelming fear of loss/death anxiety...

[Naetha]

Hi guys, don't really know where to start with this, but I feel my anxiety is taking over my life.

I have always (or at least in the last few years) had anxiety over fear of loss and death. I will not be able to relax unless DH calls/emails me in the morning to let me know he's got to work safely. For every 5 minutes after the time he usually gets home on an evening my anxiety ramps up another level - after 15 minutes I have to call his work to find out what time he left. A couple of times I've com this > < close to calling the police to see if there's been any accidents.

We have three cats and I love them like children, however when they go out I panic if I haven't seen them for more than an hour. I regularly get myself into a panic at the thought of someone poisoning them, or them getting run over / shut in somewhere / attacked by a dog to the extent that I don't let them out, or call them all in and shut the door even on nice days where I know they'd rather be out.

All this has been going on for ages, but 7 weeks ago I gave birth to DS, and my anxiety has ramped up. I am terrified of SIDS to the extent that I'm preoccupied with it. I'll look up all the information I can on the internet and get myself into a right state about it. Obviously I check DS all the time when he's asleep, and generally have him asleep in the room with me during the day, because otherwise I'd be running up and down stairs all day to check he's still breathing. Most of the time I let him sleep in my arms rather than his moses basket so I can keep a constant eye on him. At night I will wake up and listen for breathing every hour or so, and get up if I can't hear anything. Last night I terrified myself by leaping out of bed (I woke DH up who would sleep through an earthquake) because we'd both slept for three and a half hours and I was convinced he was dead - it took all my control to not shake him awake and just check his breathing. I couldn't get back to sleep and lay there for another hour until he woke naturally for his feed.

Obviously as he sleeps longer and longer (which most parents would look forwards to) my anxiety gets more and more. Also he will have outgrown his moses basket in another couple of weeks and I'm in a quandary about what to do - do I put him in his cot in the next door room or buy a larger crib for our room? Chances are I'll end up sleeping on the floor in his room. There's no way we can fit his cot in our bedroom.

I've also (and apologies for this sounding really stupid) been pre-occupied about my thoughts affecting him in a completely illogical way. For two weeks after he was born I couldn't get the song "I hope you die" by the Bloodhound Gang (a silly song - not some serious death metal or anything) out of my head, and was in tears thinking that if he did die that I would have caused it. I just can't stop thoughts of his death popping into my head and thinking that I will cause something to go wrong just by thinking about it.

Sorry I've blathered on for far too long here - I wouldn't have considered myself as having PND, but DH thinks that my anxiety has got much worse since I got pregnant (was terrified all along about miscarriage then stillbirth / complications) and I agree with him that it's affecting my day to day life, and I also don't want him to pick up on my anxiety. The only time I'm every truly relaxed is when all my babies (DH, DS and three cats) are in the room with me.

Essentially what I'm asking is should I mention this to my GP and try and get it sorted? I know every mother has irrational fears for the safety of her child but I feel mine are stupid and overwhelming. I don't want to be dismissed for being a time-waster (another of my anxieties). Realistically is there anything they can do to help me, or will they just tell me to stop worrying and get a life? (which is what I really need to do!).

Sorry for such a long post - it feels much better to have talked about it!

[MaryAnnSingleton]

I would talk to your doctor about some Cognitive Behaviour Therapy to try to sort out how you are feeling - sorry this is a brief reply -must dash, but it would be worth investigating.
There are bound to be lots of helpful posts on here - don't despair,things can be made better for you

[ScruffyTeddy]

Naetha, you are not alone with these feelings. I suffer with pretty much the same and I dont know what the answer is. In fact, I dont think ive ever admitted it to anyone before now. I am a worrier. I drive myself mad sometimes with my worrying.

I am absolutely terrified of losing things/people. If my kids play upstairs I make them come down as I think I may have missed something sharp/dd may climb out of the windows/fall off ds's cabin bed/start running bathwater.

I worry every day that one slip up and i'll lose my job, I sit wondering how im going to cope with no money, I get unreasonably upset if something goes wrong in case I get the sack. I hardly tell anyone there anything about me, I dont want to get close to people who can go away. I dont have many friends for the same reason and I have been known (in my younger days admittedly) to dump bfs if ive started to care about them too much.

In my house I have window locks, fire extinguishers in nearly every room, smoke detectors, a carbon monoxide alarm, a burglar alarm, locks on the internal doors and every night I feel terrified for reasons unknown. I lie awake thinking of potential scenarios and then try not to think about them in case I somehow "make" it happen.

Ive never known anyone else to feel like this (before you). I dont know how to make it go away either, I just feel on edge all the time..im waiting for something bad to happen. I cant think of any one event that may have started it off. A couple of things that may have made it worse over the years but im at a loss really, ive just been living with it. I will be interested in the responses you get.

[MaryAnnSingleton]

do you two do any rituals in order to try to relieve these anxieties ?

[moodlumthehoodlum]

You are so not alone with these feelings. I am almost exactly the same, although as my toddlers get older, I have to be a bit more sensible.

Counselling is a good idea. Talking about it and working out ways in which to handle it, can only be a good thing.

Get a monitor that has a sensor pad to put underneath the moses basket/cot mattress. What you're doing at the moment is unsustainable and will not do anyone any good long term. But these wonderful monitors - I had an angelcare one (google that, you will find them on kiddicare or john lewis), sound an alarm if the baby doesn't move for a certain period of time. I found the tick tock sound they make very comforting and meant that DH and I got some sleep in the early months of dd & ds. some may say that these type of things feed your neuroses, but I think that they don't do any harm, and allow you to relax, so there's no harm. Also, they never go off, so its not like you are in a permanent state of alarm!!

Like you, I literally always assume that when dh goes off to work/journey, that I will never see him again. Its emotionally exhausting, but you have to learn, (by going out of your comfort zone I'm afraid) that everything will be ok.

Talk to your GP. Definately. SOrry to ramble.

[ScruffyTeddy]

Not really no. The only thing I do is to check all plugs are out (apart from fridge etc obviously) and that doors and windows are locked before bed. Pretty normal I would imagine.

[Hassled]

Poor you!

I agree that CBT would be a good route to go down - would help you to rationalise your fears and learn strategies to overcome them. All parents have these panics over harm coming to their children - I spent my last pregnancy (my 4th) absolutely convinced I'd had my share of good luck and something would go terribly wrong.

But the thing is - a) you will pass your fears onto your child and make him a nervy, anxious person, and b) at some point - and it will go so quickly - he will be away from you for long chunks of the day (nursery, school etc) and before you know where you are he will be out with his mates and the levels of control you have now will feel like they have completely evaporated.

So get some help - these feelings can't be making for a happy, peaceful, enjoying-the-new-baby time, and you wouldn't be wasting anyone's time. I have lots and lots of sympathy - good luck.

[moodlumthehoodlum]

Sorry, one more thing before I start the witching hour of bath & bed.

Re the illogical thoughts... - I thought I was alone in thinking like this. I still think, in my bonkers way, that if I think something (ie imagine or whatever) then there's nothing I can do to stop that happening, IYSWIM? So I was terrified that wondering about things like SIDS or cancer or whatever would automatically make it happen. But, a counsellor gave me some good advice "a thought is not a truth".. I have to repeat this mantra sometimes and it helps. Its OK to process thoughts (however strange and upsetting) in your mind, but you need to literally learn how to engage your rational mind to ensure you don't think that it is a truth so to speak.

Sorry. Looks like we have opened the floodgates on this one!!

[ELR]

you can buy a special monitor to sense breathing ect about £100 its called maws reasurance 8 i used it with both mine and it gave me peace of mind abit ott but worth it in my opinion

[ScruffyTeddy]

In my case it seems to have shifted. I remember when I was younger I was convinced I was going to die by age 21. If I walked past a wall that looked old for instance I would think it would definately fall on me, everything was a potential hazard! (dont laugh), I know its ridiculous!

Now I have kids, I fear something happening to them.

[NoNickname]

I have this too - and I don't just imagine the bad things happening, I visualise them in minute detail. For example, I can't stand too close to the edge of a train platform because I imagine myself throwing myself in front of a train (although I don't want to - it's just the fear of it happening). The same goes for high buildings.

Someone suggested I might have General Anxiety Disorder but I'm not sure. It sounds plausible.

[GrinningSoul]

Hi - you are SO not the only person to feel these irrational fears so intensely. I did for years and years, progressively getting worse and worse and when my mum died, shortly after the tsunami and before the july 7 bombings, i hit the point of no return. My family had spent years suggesting i get 'help' but i didn't realise i was so out of control until a (nosey!) colleague was talking to me and i admitted how i felt. he said - blimey, you need psychiatric help - and so i went to the GP the next day. and now i'm absolutely fine, happy, relaxed - it's heaven! I had lots of counselling, saw a psychiatrist and he got me into CBT. You definitely absolutely don't need to feel like this. Go to your GP and explain just what you've said here. Good luck!

[lucyellensmum]

Neatha, congratulations on your lovely little boy.

You do sound to me like you have pnd, i too am a very anxious person and have more or less exactly the same fears as you did/do. I am now receiving treatment and it means i can get on with my life. You need to get this sorted out before it paralyses you. I take citalopram which is an AD specifically for anxiety and it really does work. Please get help, it is such a shame to see you suffering when you dont have to and should be enjoying your son.

All your worries are perfectly normal imo, and everyone has them to a certain degree, but it is the extent to which it is affecting you that has got out of hand. You really would benefit from some treatment and some counselling. This is a lot more common than you think, i could have written your post too - i wouldnt let anyone see my baby for the first two weeks in case something happened to her.

[lucyellensmum]

nonickname, i do this too with the trains, its horrible isnt it.

[GrinningSoul]

what i meant to say was that stressful events, illness, tiredness (eg the birth of a child!) are recognised triggers which can make these problems worse. So it's not PND, it's that having the baby has understandably allowed the chemicals in your brain to play havoc with you! You basically have taught yourself lots of habitual thoughts and you need to unlearn them, and prevent the pattern repeating itself.

here's one of my symptoms - I was convinced the world was going to end in Oct 2006. I knew i couldn't possibly really know that and yet even if i saw the word 'october' written I went cold and sick. imagine my relief when november arrived...! I can't believe i ever felt like that now, it seems like another person. i'm so glad.

[ScruffyTeddy]

The more posts I see here the more irrational things I recall doing. Last year I made my then bf and my kids walk all around the outside of our huge shopping centre..why? Because I had seen about 15 security personnel rushing to one place and I was convinced we were all about to be blown up

[lucyellensmum]

i can beat that scruffy, i once had to give away a perfectly lovely, brand new gro bag, that cost us £30 because it had a picture of a cottage with white picket fencing on it, i just couldnt bring myself to put DD in it - it was like if i did, something terrible would happen. I have a phobia of picket fencing ever since i was young (about 4!) and i used to have an awful dream with it in. I refused to let DD wear her christening shoes because MIL put them on the table - in fact, i went ballistic and heard MIL say to DP, shes not right in the head that one - lol, she wasnt far wrong ;) I wont fly, will only travel in a car with DP, DP is not allowed to take DD in the car on his own, i wont even go to shopping centres and as for london - forget it.

[Naetha]

Thanks for all your replies - it's so nice to hear I'm not alone, and that I can get help. It's also good to hear I'm not the only one who does the train thing too!

I'm the same with heights and when driving - I have this irrational fear that I will just drive my car into the oncoming traffic. I used to regularly drive from Leeds to Manchester with work, and where the M62 goes over a reservoir I would have total panic attacks - convinced that something would make me drive my car into the reservoir. I even researched ways to survive a car falling into water I was that convinced it was going to happen! For the whole journey up to that point on the motorway I would play and replay the scenario of how it would happen, getting more and more worked up about it, until I'd get to the reservoir and I'd be having a proper panic attack. It's daft because writing about this it sounds like such a stupir thing to do, yet I'm doing exactly the same thing in a different scenario now.

I'm going into town on the train on weds, and I just know I will have to make sure there's a solid immovable object between the pushchair and the train.

Grinning - I'm like you, I was convinced that the world was going to end at the millennium. I'd almost convinced myself not to bother applying for university, as the world would have ended by then. Thankfully my common sense overcame that one . Unfortunately I can't get my common sense to butt in and stop myself from thinking that when I get DS off to sleep (oh, and I hate to use the phrases "put down" or "put to sleep" as I'm convinced that will bring about the reality) that it will be the last time I hold him. Sometimes I find myself saying "goodnight, see you in the morning" and then having to quickly say at what time, in case it's taken to mean 7am... It sounds so stupid, but it always seems so real.

The stupid thing is, I have a reasonably chilled out attitude towards general health and safety - I ride a motorbike, drive my car too fast, I will occasionally use a bottle that hasn't been sterilised etc. I'm a very rational, logical person and a firm believer in common sense. It's just sometimes I'll think something, and all common sense and reason goes out of the window. I'm not religious, a firm believer in science, yet I always touch wood / salute single magpies etc "just in case".

I think part of it is control - when I'm in control, or someone I trust implicitly is in control I'm reasonably happy. What I'm terrified of is not having control and not being able to do anything about it. I think that's why SIDS terrifies me so much - because even though I can reduce the risk, I can't do anything to actually prevent it. Yet when I am in control, I will happily take calculated risks.

I have an appointment with the GP on Weds to get my mirena coil fitted. I will make sure I talk to the GP about it and get it sorted.

Thanks for all your replies - I can't explain how much better they make me feel!

[ScruffyTeddy]

So much of what you just said makes sense to me Naetha.

Every night I say to my kids, night night, sweet dreams, love you. I have to say that, cant be any variation. I have never said "see you in the morning".

Control is the key for me too. As long as I can control something its fine, its when that is taken away from me that I panic. I tend to limit my life as much as I can to the things that I can control.

Seeing it written down is wierd.

[AngeChica]

Hey Naetha, looks like other mumsnetters have come to the rescue as can usually be relied on, and it always helps to know you are not alone in these kind of fears.

I have worried about getting PND too especially as i was quite depressed pre-natally. Health visitor suspects it too.

My biggest fear is failure. A few years ago I trained as a teacher and gave up a year after proving myself an abject failure at it. First few weeks of having DS i have felt similar feelings when I perceive myself as "getting things wrong". I was terrified at prospect of failing to breastfeed (but have just about managed to rescue that - I think) and I have been quite tearful every day. I never got to hold my baby after my c section for ages and those are 2 other triggers for PND. I keep compulsively reading about baby care and trying to work out if I am doing things right or not.

I think yours is more of an anxiety thing as mentioned by the other postings above. I have this with flying (I have to take Valium on plane journeys) and it is also about loss of control.

In any case GP will do a checklist to rule out PND, if your feelings can be sorted by therapy not drugs that is much more preferable so hope you can get referred ASAP.

[MaryAnnSingleton]

this is a very interesting thread - I have OCD, though relatively under control now, but it is still there..I can relate to the control thimg - I find myself very distressed by not being able to control everything...there are so many examples but I won't list them all here. I had CBT which really did help me and have subsequently had a course of hypnotherapy for anxiety.

[luciemule]

I have a similar thing/fear of death/losing my children or even worse - leaving them without a mother.

I don't let them go on trains/buses (although DD now goes on school bus but it's a nightmare waving her off each morning) and I don't let them go in other peoples' cars - even grandparents in case they have an accident without me being there.

Your situation sounds like a mixture of pnd/anxiety/possible ocd tendancies and I'm sure that after seeing your GP, he could refer you for some sort of counselling/hypnotherapy.

Don't be worried about going to seek help - from what everyone has posted here, the fears/ emotions seem to be common.

[Fragolina]

Hey Naetha,
Hope your GP is helpful, and you get a referral. Please try not to worry about being a time-waster, your feelings are real, and if you think you need to speak to someone about them, then you do! Big hugs.

[Amani]

Naetha - just sending you my support and to reiterate what everyone else has said - please see a GP for further help. I do have a fear of something happening to my children, but isn't that what every mother worries about?

[Dotsie]

Hi Naetha how are you doing? Nothing much to add to what others have said, except to give you a big {{{hug}}} Hope your doc appt is ok tomorrow. let me know if you fancy meeting up sometime, am sure we can arrange something. how old is Ben now? not much older than Patrick (7 weeks on weds) i think? take care and chin up!

[luvaduck]

good luck with the appt, maybe write it down beforehand if you're too worried to talk about it.

it sounds like you have anxiety disorder with intrusive thoughts. this website should help - but agree you need CBT, but this could help in the meantime.

www.panic-and-anxiety-attacks.com/intrusive-thoughts.html

i also am very anxious about ds dying and have horrible intrusive thoughts but this has helped

good luck - it will get better with help
x