I am at breaking point.

[AnAngelWithin]

so where do I start?? ok. well this time last year we were in a different boat. DH was redundant. This year he is working. We have some money towards christmas. Not a lot though and even less now some idiot has taken my money and not sent me the presents I ordered for the dc. God knows when I will get that back, but probably not in time for christmas. We don't struggle with money, but we never really have anything left over where we can say, 'sod it, i don't feel like cooking lets go out for dinner' I know I should be grateful after how we were last christmas. DD2 was unwrapping DS1s old toys on christmas day last year I am lucky in the way that my dcs don't pester for stuff. Probably because they know we cannot afford it anyway. They have 3-5 things each on their christmas list.

I have far too much housework to do. I just cannot keep on top of it. I rang a cleaning company to come and do a quote then rang them a few days later to cancel it. Apart from the fact I am sure that we would never be able to afford it. I am sat here and the house is a mess. DH is really down lately and I don't know whats wrong with him. We seem to go from one extreme to the other. One minute things are ok between us and the next we are ready to walk out on each other. The other day he said something that really hurt me so I walked out the door and went for a walk for an hour. DS1s behaviour is really getting to me. He is 8 going on 18 and has a severe attitude problem. I ended up screaming at him that he wasn't going to go to judo anymore because I just simply didn't know what else to say.

I have been through brain scans and nerve tests recently which to be honest has scared the life out of me. I am still waiting on some of the results from the nerve tests. I bloody hate where I live. I have got 1 friend in this town. I don't belong around here. I have been made to feel very unwelcome. I am not from round here.

I just feel like I am going round and round in bloody circles all day every day. I either rush round like mad doing stuff, just for it to need doing again the next day, or i can't be bothered and the place gets in even more of a mess. I get so disheartened at it all. DH tries to help but he goes from one extreme to the other, either doing loads to help, or nothing at all. We don't seem to spend any time together. DD2 won't go to sleep at night, and even having tried controlled crying, ends up making herself sick she gets in that much of a state. Before I know it, its 10-11pm, and I just want to go to bed. I don't even get to sit and watch tv for an hour and chill out. When I wake up in the morning I don't feel as though I have slept.

I have been discussing with DH about me going and getting steralized, but tbh, I can't bear the thought of never being pregnant again, even though 5 kids would probably be simply idiotic for me.

I have to go and bath the kids yet. DS1 is in the kitchen having a strop about doing his homework.

I came of my ADs a few months ago and have been feeling ok. Just feel as though I have got a lot on my plate more than actually feeling depressed if that makes sense? oh i don't know. I should just shut up sodding moaning I guess. Just feel like I am starting to hit the bottom again.

[binklebells]

I kind of know where you are coming from - am feeling a bit overwhelmed myself regarding housework and stuff that needs doing that I keep putting off.

Its good that you dont feel you are depressed more fed up with all the pressure of stuff to do.

For what its worth I am going to try and make to do lists tonight (which in itself feels like a real chore) and just clarify what lies ahead of me. I usually find it takes the pressure off if only I can organise myself (it's the faffing and dithering and worrying about everything to be done that give you the most stress I think) and also dh will help me out if I set out specific jobs with timeframes.

[daisynova]

Big hugs honey - you are more than welcome to have a moan on here.

I think your son needs to start helping you out with the housework - he is old enough and he can work towards rewards like pocketmoney or to pay for his judo lessons. That way he will have less time to moan at you and should ease some of the load off you. Even make it into a game or competition between the two of you to help you get along better.

I think you should go see your GP though and see if it may be time to go back on the AD's just to help you get yourself back on your feet and able to cope again.

With your daughter, have you tried some lavendar oil on her pillow to help relax her?

Not sure what else to say to be honest as I am not in the same position as you but I do feel very alone where I live as I don't have any friends here. Are there any baby gym or music classes nearby where you can meet some other mums?

[AnAngelWithin]

ds1 does help with dishes etc, after huffing puffing about it. have tried lavendar oil with dd. i went to local toddler group earlier todya but only spoke to my friend. i tried to make conversation with other mums but they have made it totally clear i am not wanted around here. i don't want to go to the GP. when i was on ADs, i had HVs etc hounding me.

[binklebells]

You mention 'round here'. What sort of area is it if you dont mind me asking, I mean, how do you feel you dont fit in?

[lucyellensmum]

Angel, you could be me, honestly, i could have written that post. My situation isnt identical but there are soo many parallels. Especially the one about sleeping we are in toddler not sleeping hell at the moment, i just can never get the balance right. (its a phase its a phase its a phase - wibble wibble wibble - takes pencils out of nose).

Do you know, something weird - i feel totally the same about M&T, even though i AM from round here, i often wonder if i am the only one who is. It has taken me a long time to find toddler groups i enjoy but now i actually look forward to going. I think the reason for this is that i am now on ADs and i dont feel so down on everything. I was actually asked out to lunch by another mum today (i could have cried!) and have given my number to another. This is after nearly two years of never talking to anyone. I think it just takes time. I think its so hard, i could say to you, go and introduce yourself etc but i think you just have to let it happen. There are still cliques of people who i clearly dont fit in with (alpha mummies the lot of em ) but i just dont bother with them.

I think its a shame that you were hounded by HVs when you were on ADs, i dont think mine is even aware that i am on them. I did make it clear in a round about way that i didnt want intervention from my HV because she is oversympathetic and im not a "poor thing" i just have anxiety and depression that i need medical help for. Luckily my doctor agreed that my HV can be a bit "like that". Its frankly none of your HV business unless you ask for help specifically from her. How old is your youngest? I think HVs only have an input up until they are five anyway.

Go back to your doctor, please dont feel like shit when you dont have to. My house is a shit hole too, it always has been, it gets me down sometimes, but most times i just step over the shite.

[AnAngelWithin]

i live in a rural area. i moved here from the city to be with my DH. nobody talks to me. i sit here and i can think of loads of ways to make my life easier, but nothing that doesn't involve money or lengthening every day by a couple of hours. my youngest is erm....counts....22 months old. i don't want to step over all my crap, but i don't want to be dictated by lists of what i should do when either

[lucyellensmum]

It is difficult isnt it. We have lots of "DFLs" (down from london) here and i have to say, they tend to stick together, but there are LOTS of them and it gives them a common ground so its natural i guess. Do you know if there are other people in your area in the same boat?

Is there just one M&T group in your area or are their others. It took me a while to find groups i fitted in to, i was going to one every day before i settled on two main stays and one baby music group. It must be really hard to be new to an area, ive never done it, i live in the next road to where i grew up and im quite envious of people who go off to other places.

In what way have people made it clear you are not welcome? Could it be that you are understandably a bit oversensitive to peoples reactions as you are new to the area and feeling a bit out of it anyway.

I guess the hopping over the shite bit for me is less of an issue because i have always been a messy cow, but even i get pissed off with that.

Have you told your husband how you are feeling? Is there any way that both of you could find to integrate into the community? A friend of mine started a St Johns course because she and her DP wanted to become involved with the local community. They love it now and have done loads and more importantly made loads of friends.

[lucyellensmum]

just to say, from the way you write, you are clearly intelligent and articulate so im sure i would find you easy to talk to at M&T. But it is a nightmare getting past the small talk, give it time, how long have you lived there?

[lucyellensmum]

daisy, how young can you be to have lavender oil?? I think that might help my DD. I have read somewhere though that you have to be careful because too much can be stimulating rather than relaxing (or have i just made that up?)

[daisynova]

Lucyellensmum - I am not entirely sure though I heard you can use it sparingly from about the age of 6 months. Maybe google it or ask an aromatherapy specialist. i swear by lavendar oil for relaxing properties.

[AnAngelWithin]

i am sorry i didn't get back to you last night. Just when I thought things couldn't get any worse, DH got knocked off his bike on his way home from work the sodding driver of the car didn't even stop

To be honest I am in pieces today and I really can't cope

[captainmummy]

FGS Angel - I have just read your post, and just reading it is sad-making! I can't help, other than just send support, but one thing I do know about is M&T groups. They sound fine in theory, but in practice, unless you go with a group of friends, you will find that no-one talks to you - they are all with their own friends. I always made sure i went with at least 1 person I knew, otherwise it's horrible. Just sitting there looking at the babies/smile on face/biscuit in hand. Horrible horrible horrible. Try doing something else (the St Johns volunteering is a good idea) where you are doing something, other than sitting waiting for someone to say something to you. Do you have some time during the day? Maybe other volunteering jobs, helping in schools/charity shops/old peoples homes? Helping others is a good way to make yourself feel better!

[AnAngelWithin]

i don't have time in the day to do anything except housework!

[minouminou]

sack the housework off for one day, GO somewhere new, see what's about (like charity shop suggestions above) and just take the day FOR YOU ('scuse caps).
You may feel energised to get the housework done later on, only with more gusto, so it's out of the way quicker, leaving more time the next day for YOU.
Sorry to hear about your DH...something always happens to just round things off nicely, eh?
hope you feel better soon.