I need to get a few things about my mum and sister off my chest once and for all. Long...

[MsSparklingXmasTree]

I have so much disapointment in my mum now that i just don't want to see her anymore. Growing up we didn't have alot of money and i always admired the way my mother coped bring me and my older sister up on her own and thought she was wonderful. It's a different story now though, i don't know whether it is because i now see her with an adult mind rather than a child's or whether she has actually changed and is not my mum anymore who i needed and loved.

I don't want to make myself sound the martyr or like i am feeling sorry for myself but i have always thought she favours my sister over me. I was always talked over when i lived at home with my mum and sister and never really lisened too. It would be fine for them to be upset over something or bring something up that happened ages ago but if i was upset with something they had done or brought something up that happened ages ago it would either be egnored or they would say "what are still going on about that for, that was sooo a month ago" and laugh.

Recently this happened and they still can't believe i am annoyed about it. I am not so much annoyed about the fact she did this anymore, i am annoyed at the fact she has shown no remorse and is now turning it around in self pity and trying to make me feel bad about being annoyed with her. I have been hostile towards her over this and so i get phone calls from my sister telling me off for upsetting our mum, if my mum had done this to my sister it would be a very different story. It seems everyone has to feel bad if my mum gets upset about what she has done but no one has cared whether i have been upset or worried or been in tears over this.

My mum has always had this cynicalness about 'families' too, so because of this we never had family holidays or birthday partys or a family Christmas, that sort of thing (money problems aside, she didn't want these things. While other people had family and friends around them, my mother has always fallen out with people meaning she has very few people in life.

I don't want to grow up like her and have to avoid people in the street and moan all the time never having a nice word to say about anyone. I want to give my dd the things i always wanted ie; holidays (i don't mean expensive foriegn holidays,) birthday party's etc, all the traditional things familys do. I want my dd to have lots of good friends and encourage family life.

For my dds 1st birthday this year i did a party with the whole family and made loads of effort. My sister came and turned her nose up at everyone (all of dps family) and may as well not have come because she was so rude, making comments all because it was 'family occation.' It was very important to me because i have adoped lots of new family from dps side who are all really nice and welcoming and my sister and mum hate that. When i told her off the next day for being so rude i was again made out like i was being nasty to her and shouldn't be so mean.

I think my mum doesn't want me to have friends, if i'm having a moan one day because a friend has annoyed me she loves it, she loves it because she loves me falling out with people, it makes her feel good. Lately i have only been seeing her about once a week and because of this i feel more positive and happy. After spending an afternoon with her i come home feeling negative and drained. My sister is starting to get like my mum too and i have always thought with a negative mind, low self-esteem and been unhappy, now i have realised it's because my mum has made me this way.

Sorry for going on and on, i needed to get this off my chest.

[JamesAndTheGiantBanana]

Some people are emotional vampires, and thrive on unhappiness. My dad and brother sound very much like your Mum and sister, they're always moaning and despairing, and much prefer discussing negative things than celebrating positive things. I love them but I don't go out of my way to spend time with them because they bring me down. Life's tough enough without surrounding or associating yourself with negative stifling people!

You sound like you get on really well with your partners family, and you have friends, so try not to let your mum and sister upset you too much. They'll always be part of your family, BUT that doesn't mean you have to live in their pockets. Be civil but don't worry about inviting them to your family's special occasions. Just say to them "it's so and so's birthday next week, don't worry though I'm not expecting you to come, I know you don't enjoy that sort of thing, I'll see you the week after"

After all, it doesn'tsound like they let you be yourself around them, or treat you like a grown up even. Perhaps they need to learn some respect? They'll only do that when they see you thriving and getting on with your life, and caring less what they think.

I hope you don't let them being miserable ruin your family's christmas. It sounds like it'll be the first one when your dd will know what's going on and really enjoy it. You're quite right to want more for your little girl than your mum required for hers, there's more to life than just existing!

Hope you feel better for getting it all off your chest anyway.

[bossybritches]

MSCT- just remember the old adage your family you're stuck with -thank god you can choose your friends!

[Carnival]

Your mum and sis are lucky they still have you. Some people just leach off of others energy.

I now do not speak to my sis, who has moved to another country and rarely see my mother. I am a lot happier than I was before, but I do wish my mother was a little more committed to her grandchild.

It's funny what an eyeopener it can be when you get to see a functional, healthy family when your own is so messed up. Neither of my brothers or their partners now speak to my parents. It made me really sad at first, but I'm glad now to be free of the arguing and bad feeling, which I was so determined my daughter would never witness

[MsSparklingXmasTree]

Thanks guys, i don't have very many friends although i have had a few in the past. Some of them i grew apart from as we were teenagers so that's natural but some i have just fell out with for no real reason. This is a wake up call for me because i noticed that i was following in my mothers footsteps.

So now i go to a playgroup with a friend i have known since school and we really enjoy it and have made some new friends. Where as before i used to just go into town with my mum all the time, that wasn't really making me go out and find some friends to go into town with instead. So now i am making the effert and want to show my mum that i have friends and a life of my own.

When i moved out 2 years ago to live with my dp my mum and sister gave me 6 mths before they thought it would go wrong and thought i couldn't cope looking after myself. I proved them wrong!

[JamesAndTheGiantBanana]

Well done you for showing them you're perfectly capable of looking after yourself and your little family. They can't make you feel bad if you don't let them, anyway. Try not to let them being miserable spoil your christmas, your child and your partner are your family now, and your number one priority. It's their loss! Hope you have a nice christmas.

[CarGirl]

How often do you spend time with your Mum? I honestly think you need to spend less time with someone who has stolen from you and shown no remorse and it's determined to see you as miserable as herself!

[MsSparklingXmasTree]

I used to see my mum about 2/3 times a week. Now though it's alot less, it's Thursday today and i haven't seen her since last Monday.

Another thing that happened a few weeks ago was she was helping out with washing up at dps shop one Friday (of which he was paying her for) and when the shop closed dp cashed up and did the float for the till then went to the bank for change and was gone 5 minutes.

The day after my mum came round with a couple of new pieces of clothing for dd as a "present," she had bought about £8 worth of stuff.

On the Sunday dp went to his shop as usual to do some work and checked the till because he realised he had left my mum there on her own on Friday for 5 minutes. Suprise, suprise, £10 was missing! The shop doesn't open weekends so the money should have been the same as when he counted it before he went to the bank on Friday.

So my mum had come round with presents for dd from her which we paid for!

[sparkybabe]

Hi Sparkling - I have just read your posts and I think that you culd in fact spend less time with your mum and sister! My mum and my sis live 100yds apart, and do everything together, shopping/gardening etc, and spend their time picking holes in everyone and everything they see. Neither hav any freinds and if my sis goes to another mums' house (not often!) my mum finds all sorts of derogatory things to say about the other girl. Luckily I live about 100 miles away and only go down every 6-8 weeks, otherwise I think I would find it all a bit corrosive.
Stay away! Any mother who can steal from her own dd and family is not really a mum.

[OrmIrian]

"i have always thought with a negative mind, low self-esteem and been unhappy, now i have realised it's because my mum has made me this way. "

No, that's what your mother has and she is working hard to make you and your sister the same so that she won't feel alone. Being negative about life is a choice you can make - you can choose to look at the donut or the hole. Don't let her make you into her clone. It doesn't sound as if either of you get much joy from each other so avoid her as much as possible. Really.

[MsSparklingXmasTree]

Even though my dd is only 14mths at the moment, as a mum myself now, i could never imagine in a million years doing what my mum does to me to my dd.

[sparkybabe]

Oh - and my dad is no better, he cut me off a feww years ago (I objected noisily to him leaving a wife of 25 years for a girl 2 years younger than my elder sister) - he sends back presents/cards unopened. I have had no contact with him for about 15 years. I don't feel I am missing anything. Nothing worthwhile anyway. I don't understand either, sparkling, how a parent can act so, towards their child.