I don't really know where to put this (or even really why I am writing it - I suppose to say some things that I would never be able to say to anyone in real life). I have a 6 month old baby son. He screamed almost constantly since he was born. I really struggled with him. He prefers being with anyone other than me. I know this sounds like me being paranoid or something but it isn't. Seriously, he would be happier being held by a total stranger. I was BFing him but he would hit me, kick me and scratch at me. I recently stopped because he got his teeth through at 4 months and he started biting me. I was just terrified every time I fed him so I gave up about a week ago. Now I feel like I have no bond at all with him. Before I felt like all I was to him was a feeding machine (and one he didn't particularly like) but now I am not even that.
On top of this, I used to have a wonderful marriage and adored my husband to pieces (we have only been married just over a year - honeymoon baby) but we have just relocated to the other side of the world. I know noone here, my son is screaming nonstop, he is jetlagged, my husband and I are jetlagged, noone is getting any sleep and my husband and I are feeling completely estranged from each other. I was in floods of tears before and he has taken the baby out for a walk for an hour to give me some space. I just want out of it all. I don't think I would be missed. My son wouldn't bat an eyelid. My husband would be upset because it would make his life more difficult. My body has completely changed since having a baby. I am fat and covered in stretchmarks and it doesn't help with him having bloody soft porn magazines like Nuts (urgh!) all over the house (I never had a problem with this before - I laughed at him for being a chav). I don't want to have sex with him. I do it sometimes because I know I have to but it's a chore (again, I never felt like this before). I feel so disconnected from everything. I can't cope. I don't know how people manage being mothers. It seems like total misery to me. I am existing day to day but it's just relentless. I can't tell anyone because I know it all sounds totally self pittying and pathetic but I now completely understand those women who leave their families. It's awful but at the moment I really feel I could do that. I don't want to be a wife and I don't want to be a mother. I am supposed to be all fulfilled and happy aren't I? Bundle of joy and all that. It hsn't been that way for me. I feel like I am in purgatory.
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Mental health
Just want to walk away from everything. Long! Sorry :(
7 replies
Oceana · 04/12/2007 23:29
OP posts:
notjustmom ·
04/12/2007 23:53
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