The pessure is getting unbearable, my dad is in desperate need of help and hurting whole family, I need support

[OverMyDeadStuffedTurkey]

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. I need a rant and maybe some support and advice.

My dad is seriously depressed and spiralling downwards quickly. Has been getting worse over last two years, is basically grumpy, snappy, moody, cross, shouts and over-reacts all the time, and doesn't get enjoyment out of anything in life. He barely leaves the house, works from home, has no friends, and has started taking it out on my mum verbally, shutting her out, saying horrible comments etc.

It's got to the stage where no matter what any of us kids say or do he will belittle it or see the negative in it. He doesn't care about anything we do, but he loves us dearly and this is not like him. Definately not the dad we all grew up with, he was adventurous, spontaniuos, always laughing and really enjoying life ans saw the good in everything.

Now it's hard to be around him. One of my sisters has moved in with me rather than live in the same house as him (she's only 19).

My mum said he has refused to get any help, claiming there is nothing wrong, definately won't go on ADs, mocks them as being for "messed up housewives, they won't help me!". BUT he sometimes self-medicates with weed which makes him just about bearable, we are all so relieved when he has a smoke as we get a glimpse of our old dad back.

Sorry, now I'm crying. I hate to see him like this and don't know what to do. It is destroying my mother to be around such a negative person day in day out, and getting everyone else down too. My older brother is dying of a terminal illness as well,and our grandad died on christmas eve so it's not such a good time of year anyway, my mum puts on a brave face and tries to overcompensate for his miserableness by being over-cheerful, so the pressure is unbearable at home. I feel especially sorry for my little bro who still lives at home, basically as a lone child up in his room all day to avoid all of it.

I have the urge to just run away, I hate that there is nothing I can do, and hate more the possibility that he will be like this until he dies and our old dad has gone for good.

sorry

[chinwag]

Oh you poor things; that is so hard for you all.

I really don't know the solution, except that perhaps your mum could go on her own to talk to a GP?

[OverMyDeadStuffedTurkey]

thanks chinwag, could the gp help though if only my mum went?

I think the biggest problem is him refusing that there may be something wrong with him, or that by changing his ifestyle things might get batter.

[bigspender30]

not really sure what to say here but your mum going to GP or even the practice nurse would be a start. They could advise her of how to handle the very delicate subject of your dad seeking help.Goods luck. You did well posting on here -it will help get it off your chest.

[chinwag]

I don't know, but I would definately try it....even if the GP can only suggest ways to support the family. I would be surprised if there are not organisations out there to support families in this situation.

[janestillhere]

Oh my goodness I truly empathise!
My mum is at present in hspital again suffering from cirrhosis compliations. Today she asked her sister if her mum was doing ok (Nan died 9 yrs ago
She is only 61 and her and my dad have been with each other since 15 yrs old. He is depressed and completely lost.
We lost my brother Richard 13 yrs ago aged 22, and they have never really got over this, though when would they eh?
He told me on Thursday he wanted to join her when she dies and I hid my shock and tried to get him to think of the future we can have with my dc's and he laughed abit sarcastically. I am struggling to keep it together all the time. Am totally gutted everything seems to be falling around our ears.
Ds (8) is so excited about Christmas and am truly trying to keep that naive joy in my xmas planning for him. Dd is 12 months so doesn't know what's happening.
He has told me in no uncertain terms he doesn't need help and has stopped the AD's AGAIN...
I can't see an end to this apart from a sad one on my part and I'm sorry for rambling on and on but I just wanted to say I understand what you are all going through and feeling completely helpless and hopeless is the worst part.
Love to you and yours, Jane

[OverMyDeadStuffedTurkey]

oh jane God it's the worst thing feeling hopeless like this.

My other sis has turned up today at mine saying she couldn't stay in my parent's house, it is that bad

His depression basically stems from his feeling completely inadequate and a failure in life. He views everything he's ever done as a failure, and mostly thinks he's a failure as a man and dad, especially as he doesn't own a house

My sisters want to write him a letter stating how they feel and that he needs help, there is no way he would listen to us if we tried talking to him, he would walk away and simply not talk to us.

[OverMyDeadStuffedTurkey]

Both my parents would run a mile from any support organisation, that would mean admitting there is a problem right! Especially regarding my brother's situation, it is rarely discussed. I think they would rather not deal with it until they have to.

Will suggest to my mum she talks to the gp

[janestillhere]

I know what you mean.
I have tried on a few seperate occasions to talk with the gp about both my parents.
However it seemed because of patient confidentiality I was up against a brick wall.
The doctor said that my parents would have to contact the gp and that I as their daughter could not force them to do what they didn't want to.
Aaaaaarrrhh! So frustrating...
I think the letter idea to your dad is a great idea, tell him all the things you feel you can't to his face etc.

[knakered]

I think that the surrounding family need help - either from each other - maybe just an acknowledgement that everyone is suffering - so that you can all cope and that you are not all sucked into this. Maybe it will pass but depressions can last yeasr and maybe self reinforcing if he is cutting off contact then he will become reclusive etc...I would suggest a long range tactical plan - all subtle things with the whole family involved. Ie what you Mum should do when he becomes abusive, write to him but dont demand. judge or suggest...just tell him that you love him, how proud you are of him etc...maybe try and get out for a walk - forget the talk at this stage would aim to accept his illness - depression has a long slow timeframe - nothing will bring him out of it in the short term maybe just remind him that you are there and that you care -- pop by for 10mins once a week - call up to ask a question (something that he is good at interested in) every so often...forget the deep talks the pressure to get it fixed - just support each other and try to identify chinks of light/opportunities to get through another day

[OverMyDeadStuffedTurkey]

Thanks knakered, really appreciate your advice. Yes you are right I think the important thing is to let him know we love him and are not judging him etc., we do already try to do little things like you suggested, getting him to help us with things, especially things he's interested in, making him feel we really value his contribution and help etc.

If he's ever to get better it will be a slow process of course, but I'm worried about whether my mum will make it through.