Depressed and starting to hurt myself

[card]

I have suddenly become very depressed and I have started to harm myself. I don't know why I'm doing this, I've never done it before. I have a baby of a few weeks old, so its probably pnd. I did the questionnaire from the hv and she said it scored high. I lied about the last question asking about thoughts of harming myself - I said never. Despite a high score, there is no follow up, no referral, no help.

I asked my gp for something to help me a couple of weeks ago. She gave me herbal drops. They are not working yet, but she did say it could take up to 3 weeks to work. I saw her yesterday and asked for something stronger as I am really finding things emotionally very, very hard (I didn't tell her about the harming). She won't prescibe me anti-depressants because I'm bf. So I came away feeling like there is nothing that can be done for me.

My 'symptoms' are: constantly on the verge of tears, crying a lot, overwhelming sadness, short temper, tiredness, insomnia, disproportionate anger, excessive swearing, being nasty to my children, low esteem, feeling I'm so bloody useless at everything, thumping myself, hitting myself with a hairbrush and feeling stupid.

I feel I'm in some sort of spiral that I can't control or get out of. My other dc are very difficult at the moment, particularly the oldest one. He is very angry at me. His behaviour is getting out of control, or at least I can't control him. He makes me so angry. And when I'm angry I say such nasty things to him, things which can't be unsaid. I think I've harmed him forever so no wonder he's angry at me. I'm ashamed to say I have even smacked him a few times. I know that is so very, very wrong and quite rightly I'm likely to be vilified. Believe me there is nothing anyone can say that will make me feel worse than I do already. Yes I know I'm nasty and a bully. Since I've been hurting myself, thankfully I haven't had the urge to smack him. It's like I can control that part of me now, thank god. Before all this I think I was a nice person, I certainly had a lovely relationship with my ds. I hope its not gone forever.

What can I do to help myself? I will not, and can't, be telling the hv or gp about the self harming. They both know how I feel apart from that, but I'm not getting much support. Am I supposed to just carry on? I'm scared how this has escalated in the last few weeks and how it might go on. I have arranged through the hv to get the school nurse to 'have a chat' with my son to see if there is anything they can do to help (he's 8). When my anger builds up I try to take myself away from whoever is making me mad. I do try not to cry in front of the children but a lot of the time I can't help it. What else can I do? I hurt myself when I am very tearful, to stop me crying or more usually if I am angry to try to diffuse it I suppose.

I have a supportive dh in terms of childcare, but he has his own depressive illness, so I won't be burdening him. I don't have much family to turn to. I have lots of friends, but they usually come to me for support. I'm surrounded by friends but feel so lonely. I did a search of previous threads about self harming already. Reading through made me feel a bit better, but most people seem to be referring to the past. I can't believe I got to this age and its starting now. What's happening to me? How can I protect my family from me? Sorry to ramble, my mind is a mess. (I have a new name for this, but I have posted before. I'm just so ashamed). Thanks for helping if you can.

[dooley1]

So sory to hear what you are going to
You need to go back to your gp
There are anti depressants that you can take when b/feeding - hopefully someone will be along soon to tell you which one

[Threadworm]

You must go and see your doctor and make sure s/he understands how bad you feel. Get anti-depressants and ask for counselling. If you are breastfeeding, ask about ADs you can take while breastfeeding.

Whenever you start to think 'I have ruined by dcs or my relationship with them' remind yourself that this is your depression speaking: it is not true. THey will bounce back.

Self-harm is a horribly destructive thing. It does give a huge emotional release, but it is eating away at your self-esteem.

The 'good' part of it is partly in the endorphine rush. You can get that same release by vigorous exercise. Is exercise possible for you? If not, bash a pillow, smash a plate. Don't self-harm.

Very best wishes

[ScummyMummy]

Your GP gave you herbal drops? Is there another GP in the practice you can see?

So sorry you are having such a horrible time. There is lots that can be done. Start by going back to the GP or preferably another GP and letting them know that you are at the end of your tether and need some proper help.

[Threadworm]

If it's hard to talk to the GP, print out what you've written below and take it with you. It is a very articulate account of your plight.

[ScummyMummy]

That's a good idea, threadworm.

[card]

Thank you for replying.

When I was at the drs, she got out the BNF and looked up 3 types of ad's they all said they pass into breastmilk and are therefore not recommended. I think I need to do some research for her. The drops I have are a form of St John's Wort (I think).

I can't tell her about the self harming. You see, I work in the same field and our paths cross professionally (not just her, all the gps in the practice). I just couldn't.

Threadworm, interesting what you say about the endmorphines. Although I can't just leave the house at will with the 2 los, I could go upstairs for a mad spin on the exercise bike. Would that help? I did also read on other threads about using ice. The bike sounds a bit easier though.

Thanks again.

[Threadworm]

I would think that the exercise bike would help. As well as the endorphines, exercise might give a similar feeling of 'punishing' yourself. Not ideal, but a more constructive form of punishment than self harm.

Very best wishes. Family waking up now, so have to tear myself away from mumsnet.

[noranora]

i am so sorry for what you going through card.
if you dont end up in emergency they wont bother with you i guess.
i think you have to tell about your self harming to gp, someone. if you dont, people will still be able to see the scars and then what will you say?
i think there ad's that you can when bf. i think fluoxetine is one of them.
and i think you may have pnd, and getting ad's asp can be helpful to you- i am not a gp i am just guessing.
good luck, take care, xxx

[vacua]

apparently this is very good if you are up to reading: Brooke Shields, Down Came the Rain book about her recovery from PND.

[vacua]

breastfeeding and antidepressants

[monkeybutler]

Hi, I have been there too Card. Smacked my hands red raw in order to save the kids. I used to sing (opera style) so loud so I didn't scream. The kids thought it was less scarey then. I broke all their toys (see depression thread) and eventually took myself off to docs. Found out which female doctor ahd the most kids, went to her and she suggested counselling - I have to take the kids eveywhere wit me (no help) so that was out - Have taken Prozac for 10 months and its saved m relatonship with husband and kids. I am starting the see the light at the end of then tunnel. We have all been where you are - some are more honest then others. I always think if you are not mentally affected by a life at home with children you must have a very low mental capacity n the first place. No sane person can be satisfied with a life like that. Get help and you will start to see the fog in your head clear. Take clear big hug x

[bethoo]

i self harmed for almost a decade but actually cutting with razors ,knives and scissors and believe me it was not good. i am covered in scars which are gradualy fading though the ones on my left arm will always be visible.
self harming becomes addictive and is hard to break out of. i suggest that you do discuss this with perhaps a GP or attend a PND group.
you must remember that you are not alone in this and that with the right support you will get through this.
but you must tell someone about the self harm no matter how you feel about it. if no one is aware no one can help you or realise just how serious your depression is.
all the best.

[card]

Thank you all for sharing your stories with me. You are all re-iterating the same message, that I must talk about this with someone. But my stupid pride gets in the way. I don't understand myself. If a friend confided in me the same I would have nothing but empathy and support for her. In fact I do reading your stories. But with me, I feel nothing but shame and anger for being like this. I guess that's depression.

This is early days for me and I'm hoping I can 'nip it in the bud' before the cycle becomes addictive. I hope I can. Threadworm thank you for your words about children bouncing back. Its the thought that I am damaging them that scares me the most.

[ScummyMummy]

Can't you change to a GP practice where you have no professional connection? Relying on clinicians you work with to treat you as a patient sounds like a recipe for total disaster to me.

[smithfield]

card I Bf with ds. I took sertraline from when he was about 5/6months. I continued to take it and bf for a year. He is a happy, healthy boy of 2.9, and I became a happy healthy mum.

You need to find another GP that will 'hear' you and help. I know its hard to be assertive especially when feeling low, and also I know you are obviously worried about being found out (so to speak) because of your links. Trust me most women do feel anxious about asking for help regardless because the disease make us think of the worst case scenarios.

Hope you find the courage
Take care
hug to you

[IdrisTheDragon]

Card, I took sertaline from when I was 12 weeks pregnant with DD and breastfed her until she was 10 months. She is now 2.1 and a very happy, healthy girl .

My DS (3.11) is also happy and healthy, despite having a mother who isn't always quite that way. I really think that ADs could help you.

[notnowbernard]

Card, please book an appt. to see another GP. The one you saw is talkng out of his/her arse quite frankly

As others have said, there are anti-depressants you can take whilst bf. Sertraline is one and also the older, tri-cyclic ADs can be used.

I am also shocked you haven't been offered any further follow-up from the hv. I think it would be really useful for you to talk to someone about your self-harming. For many people, self-harm is a type of coping strategy, a way of dealing with difficult feelings. By sharing these feelings with someone, they might be able to help you identify some other, less destructive way of coping.

Your hv and a more helpful GP should be able to refer you for counselling or therapy (CBT can be very effective).

Good luck, you deserve it.

[superwitch]

I take citalopram when pg and bf after the ok from a specialist, gp was happy to px dothiepan or seroxat without a specialist opinion.

[superwitch]

sorry might not of been seroxat i think it was sertraline

[smithfield]

I agree with nnb not GPs are only human and not infallible- sometimes they are led by there own personal beliefs/perceptions...and maybe he/she is just overly cautious. But armed with a name of a couple of AD's you can BF with you could see same GP (not sure about where you are but where we are GPs are allocated by local authority and you can not chop and change them) and say this is what I want.

[bookthief]

More information on antidepressants and breastfeeding. Please print it out and take it to your doctor or see another GP.

I hope you get the help you need soon. Please try to talk to people about it. Don't go through this alone.

[bookthief]

Sorry, see half way down the page for the link on antids. These factsheets are compiled by a pharmacist with a special interest in medication and breastfeeding so hopefully your GP will take note.

[gemat]

i am on antidepress tablets and still breastfeeding GO TO YOUR DOCTOR THEY WILL HELP PLEASE DO THIS. IHAVE BEEN WHERE YOU ARE NOW

TAKE CARE

[fortyplus]

Hi! If you really can't tell anyone about the self harming here's an idea which a friend who is a HV told me about...

Instead of hurting yourself, get an ice cube and hold it tight in your hand. The feeling of squeezing it tight gives you the same feeling of control that you are getting from hurting yourself.

The idea of taking exercise is the best of all, but not practical if you're at home on your own with children in the evening, for example.

You are not alone in this - please try to talk to your HV, but if you can't then the ice cube is a good first step.

[lucyellensmum]

card - get some help. I just want to offer my support - i was effectively ignored despite a high score on HV questionairre - two years later, still suffering.
finally got some help. I am sure there are plenty of people on here who know about BF and ADs. It worries me that St Johns wort may go through the breast milk too, you need to ask about this.

Go back to GP, they have to respect your confidentiality. Its PND - nip it in the bud and enjoy your baby.