Stupidly terrified. Any tips?

[ThisIsNotMyName]

I've always been very anxious indeed about people's reactions to me -- people thinking I'm stupid or hateful in some way.

It's so extreme that it has affected my working life. I would be a successful academic now if I wasn't so screwed up.

Instead I work as a publishing freelancer. All of my dealings with authors etc are by email.

I am so frightened literally frightened of responses from people I work with that I panic when I have to open emails from them, and all of my work is dogged by a fear of disapproval.

This probably sounds pretty stupid to a lot of people, but please don't ridicule me.

I already take ADs. How can I cure this stupid sensitivity?

[ThisIsNotMyName]

.

[twoisplenty]

I know a good book that helps to feel good about yourself, no matter what others (may) think of you. Usually people are thinking of themselves, not you! the book is "Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway" by Susan Jeffers. Really useful for confidence building.

I can understand the fear you feel, I have that to a certain degree but am able to conquer it with lots of positive self talk. And I run away from responsibility which helps!!! But I do feel that I can't run my own business for example, which I would love to do, but can't face the critisicm and dealings with people, like you are struggling with.

But I would say that counselling is the way forward, books can do so much, but talking about how to deal with negative self worth is really important.

[ThisIsNotMyName]

Thanks very much motherhurdicure and twoisplenty. I'll look at the books you mention. I am on the waiting list for some counselling. It's ironic that the most helpful thing would probably be more exposure to other people, which is precisely what I avoid.

[twoisplenty]

Do you do any evening social stuff, exercise classes, pub with friends etc? I found that by taking small "baby" steps with meeting new poeple in a relaxed situation, it helped me to learn about myself - tht not everyone will like me, but most will. And that even if people don't like me, I am still a worthwhile person and can hold my head high. Then the things I learned helped with more important situations. I deal with hospital staff a lot now (disabled son) and that would have terrified me in the past, but I can cope now.

[ThisIsNotMyName]

No, I don't socialise at all. Pathetic really. And since I started working from home, all of my work contact is by email. I talk to other parents of course but always feel an outsider. Good for you, dealing with hospital staff and so on. That must sometimes take a lot of determination.

[twoisplenty]

Thisisnot my name: Listen up! You're not stupid, you're not pathetic, but that's how you describe yourself.

you would never think others as being stupid/pathetic, so why think this of yourself?

It's time to stand up tall and tell yourself some nice things. Have a mini counselling session right now!! Sttand up and tell yourself 3 good things about yourself. Make yourself think 3 things NOW!!!

My 3 things:

I am intelligent
I am thoughtful
I am fun with my children

Wasn't so hard! How about you?

[twoisplenty]

That definitely wasn't meant to be patronising, but fun. give it a go?

[ThisIsNotMyName]

okay.

I am intelligent
I am sometimes funny
I have lovely chat withmy children

[snowleopard]

I work in a similar way to you and I can get a bit like this at times - it goes in cycles, sometimes I'm more confident, sometimes less. Although I do love my job, I think I ended up doing this because I find it so much easier to deal with people at a distance. I do socialise but I find it quite hard work a lot of the time - it doesn't come easily and I often wonder if I've put my foot in it because I just don't have natural social graces.

I do know what you mean about people's responses and getting approval. I hate and fear getting bad feedback, and conversely if I get praise for my work, it makes me unduly happy!

First I think you need to accept that this is who you are - you may be able to change and become less anxious, but first forgive yourself. We all have our strengths and weaknesses and there will be loads of things you are good at. I also find it helps to think through what's the worst that copuld happen - someone thinks you're stupid or hateful. Well, what makes them the expert? Even if you make a mistake at work, it can usually be put right, you can apologise, you can up your game. It's not the end of the world, and on top of all that, it's only work - you are a wonderful person in so many other ways and you do your best.

Lastly remember that objectively speaking, because you are so concerned about this, you probably do a far better job than most people. I've worked with dozens of freelancers who turn in a thoroughly pants job without a care in the world. When I complete jobs on time and to a good standard, my clients often remark on how amazing this is - that's because a lot of freelancers are unreliable and crap. You are probably miles better than you think you are.

[ThisIsNotMyName]

Thanks snowleopard. This stuff is spot on. In fact you sound exactly like my sister. She has the same temperament as me and so understands my anxieties and has the right advice. In fact, we each tell the other the right way to think but are poor at putting our advice into practice.

Your third paragraph is particularly helpful. How would it be possible to work without ever making some colleague think you'd got something wrong, or done a less than perfect job? Negative reactions are part of life and have to be accepted and learnt from, rather than feared.

And what is the worst that can happen? No-one will die if I screw up in my job I suppose.

[snowleopard]

It is hard because the way you think is a deeply ingrained habit. I still get in a state about it too despite knowing all this.

NB I'm not your sister though in case you were wondering! (as I don't have a freelancer sister!)

[ThisIsNotMyName]

What kind of freelance work do oyu do?

Today is a tough day becuase I have to respond to an author's earlier comments/queries about my editing. This is where email is hard: you get the advantage (for a shy person) of distance, but because an email has no nuance in it, it's hard to interpret a comment at face value. Say an author has asked 'Why did you reposition that subheading?' or whatever. It is probably a completely neutral, practical question, but it is so easy to interprete is as 'For f%%% sake, why have you tampered with my script you irritating woman'
without evidence to the contrary I imagine the worst.

[snowleopard]

Interesting ttnmn! I do various jobs for publishers including writing, editing, proofing, picture research etc. It's funny with email, I love it and find it so much easier than the phone - it can be confusing but I think you often can tell when people are slightly irate. In this case I would answer straightforwardly - you must have had your reasons, so just explain them nicely.

I once copy-edited an academic book whose author was absolutely furious-tempered and going through a divorce at the time, He used to rage about things I'd changed which was terrifying. But I had done it for a reason so I would explain super-calmly - eg "if I left it as you had it, it could have been read to mean x or alternatively Y, and it needs to be unambiguous - if you're not happy with my suggestion, please can you suggest a new version?" etc. I worked very hard not to lose it with him and by the end he was being really nice to me.

Also I have learned to climb down with good humour if I'm wrong - "doh, so sorry, my mistake about that subhead, thanks so much for spotting it!" - makes people feel good about themselves and makes them forgive you. Also be nice to them about their mistakes, then you won't feel such a fool if you make one.

(God I sound very manipulative!)

FWIW as an author I do sometimes feel I've been edited badly, and that can make me annoyed. I mean when the editor introduces punctuation and spelling errors and suchlike. There can be tension between authors and editors, there's no denying it. Also if you are editing academic texts you are dealing with academic authors, some of whom can be really eccentric and extreme. So the job can involve a bit of lion-taming and finessing.

[BrassicMonkey]

I go out of my way to avoid social interaction too, and I'm also really, really hard on myself when I'm criticised. I've missed so many opportunities because I'd rather miss out completely than get something wrong and make a fool of myself.

I've got a few books on social anxiety but haven't read them yet . I just wanted to say that I know how you feel really and am also finding the advice given on here helpful.

I don't think it's stupid sensitivity either. It's a recognised condition and lots of people have it, but probably due to fear of being laughed at they hide it and avoid situations where they are noticeably anxious

I find formal situations where I don?t have to be sociable at all relatively ok. It?s the school run, bumping into a neighbour, having coffee with more than 1 person at a time etc, that I?ll go out of my way to avoid and it makes me feel like a freak. Why on earth am I so frightened of people?

I?ll keep this on watch.

[ThisIsNotMyName]

Authors vary so much. Some are super-cooperative and others are awful. I've never had a horrendous experience personally (so far)

I'm always very careful not to make changes I can't justify, but I take that caution too far sometimes, because I'm so oversensitive.

People are rightly very protective of their scripts: it's a bit like handing your precious baby over to the babysitter and then returning to find that the sitter has decided to get your child's ears pierced or something.

Suppose I must get to work now.

[ThisIsNotMyName]

Oh thanks Brassic. x-posts, sorry, Good to hear of your experiences too. Do keep it on watch. I hope we have more chances to talk.

[snowleopard]

Oh Brassic I avoid neighbours! We live in a very friendly little community-like area which is great, but on the way back from nursery to go to work at home I do often hope I can avoid having to chat to anyone. For me it's just the knowledge that I will look awkward or bored or not know what to say - I wish I could just wear a big sign that said "BUSY, not chatting right now, f*ck off!"

[BrassicMonkey]

I'd LOVE one of those signs. It's sad though because I don't mean to be unfriendly and I'm often lonely once I've 'escaped'. I know that I do come across as unfriendly and stuck up though and the latter couldn't be further from the truth. I'm just riddled with fear that it will go horribly wrong.

I worry about such tedious things, like is my wave normal, did I look like I was smiling sarcastically, did I laugh at an inappropriate moment, did they think I was being rude when I made my excuses to go, will they avoid me in future because I make them feel uncomfortable. Thing is, I think I do make people feel uncomfortable because I'm so obviously uncomfortable myself and they probably do walk away hoping that they won't bump into me again.

I started a thread about this ages ago actually, but I was drunk when I did it (would have been worried about being laughed at otherwise). Quite a few people on here admitted to feeling the same.

[ThreadyKrueger]

"I worry about such tedious things, like is my wave normal, did I look like I was smiling sarcastically, did I laugh at an inappropriate moment, did they think I was being rude when I made my excuses to go, will they avoid me in future because I make them feel uncomfortable. "

Brassic, that is exactly how I feel all the time I am with others. It's exhausting -- every minute that you are trying to make conversation you also have this awful negative commentary in your head.

[snowleopard]

Theady - great name!

Brassic sorry but I did have to laugh at "is my wave normal?"... that's exactly the kind of thing that goes through my mind too! With me though I think I'm not so much scared that I might be useless, I'm just fed up because I know I'm not good with these things and I don't want to have to do them and look stupid. I want to be excused social niceties once and for all.

However I think you can be this way and still make good friends. It just takes me a while to make friends. I've found that anyone I hit it off with and think is great immediately, usually turns out to be a bit of a nightmare. That's because I'm rubbish at being sociable - so if it goes brilliantly, it's probably because the other person is extraordinarily good at it and good at putting me at my ease, and I mistake that for getting on with them.

You live and learn...

[snowleopard]

Oops meant thready obviously...

[BrassicMonkey]

Snowleopard - do you think you would be better at social interaction if you didn't care about how you were perceived though?

If you felt you were good at it would you enjoy it then?

You're right it's not impossible to build relationships when you're not good at socialising, but I do find it harder now I'm a SAHM and don't have the opportunity to spend lots of time with anyone. The only place I go where there's an opportunity to chat is DS's school - which I find really terrifying anyway. There are a few people that I say hello to and occasionally chat to but I don't know how to get it beyond that.

[snowleopard]

I don't have to deal with school yet and I'm a bit worried about it actually - I think I will be one of those mums who get slagged off on here for not being friendly at the school gate!

I think I do care about how I'm perceived but rather than want to improve matters, I just want to avoid those situations that get me down, if that makes sense. I don't mind if people don't like me or think I'm weird, I just don't want to have to be in a social situation with them.

With friends who I know well and feel that they understand me well, then yes I do feel good at it and enjoy it. It's more the everyday smalltalk stuff with people I semi-know that I'm crap at.

Lots of time is the key, isn't it. I suppose bonding over something in particular helps me get to know people - I have a writing group, music-related things that I do, and sewing nghts with friends. Also have one friend with a dc the same age who approached me in the street soon after our babies were born, and we do playdate stuff - hats off to her, I would never have the guts to do that!

[ThreadyKrueger]

Snowleopard, it sounds like you have loads of brilliant socialising things that you do, and a really good relationship with quite a few friends who matter to you. I bet a lot of people wouldn't realise that you have difficulty talking to people.

I find the schoolgate hard. Sometimes I lurk on the edge of groups. Other times I just stand on my own, because I'm afraid of pushing my way in and seeming to force myself on people. I don't think I will ever crack it now.

(I'm the OP by the way. I don't suppose I really needed to namechange.)