Mother committed suicide when dcs very young - has anyone experienced anything like this?

[jellybelly25]

Sorry this is so sad...
My dp has very recently started to talk for the first time in his whole life (he's 32) about the fact that his mom comitted suicide when he was four. I think he's being really brave, hes intending to go to a support group and is going to start asking some of his family about her, he has never been told anything about it and only knows a few very sketchy details.
I just wondered if anyone has been through anything similar, i think he feels as though it makes him weird and different and that must be quite a lonely feeling...

[pooka]

I haven't any experience/don't know anyone. But I recall reading I think last week an interview with Tania BYron where she said she was devastated when a friend of her's committed suicide as a result of PND. Basically, she was commenting about the vile Jeremy Vine/Jerry Springer approach to family issued and said she was disgusted when she saw a programme in the states which seemed to her to be potentially harmful to vulnerable women.

Anyway - not very helpful. But you never know, she might have written about it elsewhere....

Your poor DH. Am not one for tearing-up, but I can't imagine how immense a sadness must have been felt at such a young age.

[sfxmum]

sorry to hear do you by any chance have small children? I find that having kids/ becoming a parent drags up all sorts of traumas to the surface.

I don't have experience with this particular one and I am sure someone will come along with links to support groups

i do know winston's wish do amazing work with children and might have helpful info

[brimfull]

my dh's mum left him at 7yrs of age ,obviously not the same as comitting suicide I know ,but he never talks about it.Finds it too unbearably painful.Can't imagine how your poor dh feels.
I am sure a support gruop and thrapy would be hard but beneficial to your dh.I wish him well.

[jellybelly25]

Thanks guys.

Yes we have a 7yo and now a 5mo who has his mom's name as her middle name. it was her arrival and the naming thing that really shook him up i think, and knowing hes at the same age she was when she died.

what i find so unbearably sad is that NO-ONE told the kids the truth about her death, his sister found out by accident when she was about 10, and hes basically only just realised now. Nobody ever talked to them about it and they have never had any opportunity to grieve.

We found a support group, SOBS they're called.

[Webdiva]

Really glad you've found a support group.

This is striking a little bit home with me. Not in a direct sense - I have waffled on to some godawful extent on another thread about my situation, which is very different. My cousin was adopted because of my aunts mental health problems, aunt had made many attempts to kill herself and I'm bracing myself for the day that I get asked questions. I looked after her a lot when she was small and I hope and pray that my cousin is being supported properly in dealing with her past, but have no real confidence that she is.

Its appalling that your dp and siblings were never allowed to know or talk about what happened. It is a very sad tale and I really hope all of your family finds some strength from talking about it now.

Please look after yourself too - it's hard caring for someone while they are experiencing difficult times - it can sometimes feel like you're meant to have all the answers. Tke good care x

[Wilbur]

jellybelly - it's very good that your dp is going to get some proper support for this, I hope it brings him some comfort, although what a terribly sad thing to have happened. I don't really know anything ab out suicide, especially, but you mentioned that he is the age now that his mother was when she died - I do know that that is a very significant time for bereaved children, the point at which they are older than their parents. Even those who lose family members as adults can be deeply affected at that time (my uncle had a huge psychological wobble at the age of 62, which is the age his father was when he died, and two years older than his sister when she died). So what your dp is feeling is entirely normal, and I hope that seeking out support will be beneficial.

[black31cat]

Hi,
My grandmother committed suicide when I was 17, (she was only 60) after a long battle with depression, and after many failed attempts. I was with her when she took the overdose, she begged me to just let her die, but I called an ambulance, and we "parted on bad terms" as it were. I never talked about it for years but then everything came back and hit me just after I had my DS 8 months ago. You are right about the fact that having children brings things to the surface. I don't know if I can be much help, as I still find it very difficult to talk about it apart from in a very disconnected way. But he is not alone, and it's a very hard thing to deal with.

[Tortington]

my dad died when i was 4 and i was there when he died.

it hink suicide is a seperate ketle of fish with its own guilts and questions that probably need to be explored.

the difficulty i found was asking the small stuff - like what music or politics - you know - becuase obv. my mum didn;t like to talk about it and the rest of the family told the funny stories the "stand up guy, one in a million" stuff - it was the ordinary stuff - the detail - the minutae that i will never know.

so i kinda get it. What ( as the eternal pessemist) i think one must be carefull about int hese situations is not to put the person on a pedestal - the loss of a parent in tragic circumstances is just wrenching for all concerned - but for a child - the danger is that you can still see that person though a childs eyes - and mourn the loss of the parent through a childs eyes - which as an adult when a parent dies we can somewhat reconcile the hometruths and the person and where that fits in your life.
the child cant do that - and that may continue. - for all i know my dad could have been a completly horrible person in his relatiosnhip with me as an adult had he lived. so i try to not think he was mr perfect he would have always been mr perfect.

od that makes any sense you can have my last rolo!

of course also must add the mother son dynamic is also diferent fromt he father daughter dynamic - all the motherly things that go along with the expectations that society puts on women are around us evertday and it would be easy to create a doris day picture i would imagine.

i would also think that maybe he probably has feelings of why wasn't I good enough - and i think that he probably need councelling to recognise that depression is just not about that at all - and that he can guilt free take himself out of that partic equasion and live a happy life knowing that his mum probably loved him very much. but in the twisted haze of depression she probably thought he was better off. It is a mental illness that can twist the love you have for the dearest people around you.

well that was a long 'ps' to the post. have the last rolo anyway!

[sillydad]

Hi,

I'm new on here but my wife is a regular and suggested I have a look at mumsnet as I stay home to look after ds.

If this is any help my mother committed suicide when I was 18 months old. Like your husband I was told nothing about her, and it was only on my 16th birthday that I plucked up courage to ask my father about her and how she died (until then I had been told she'd had a heart attack).
She was a reactive depressive and had been getting treatment for this, but realistically having twins as well as two daughters didnt help and she was also diagnosed as having post natel depression. I'm not sure this was very well understood in the 60's and I know that her treatment included electroshock treatment.
I feel I'm lucky to have found what I think is her happy diary for 1966 (the year she died) and at least have some connection with her and her thoughts during the ealy part of that year. Thankfully the diary ends well before the date she died as I wouldn't like to know what her thoughts were then.

The big thing about suicide is that the people left behind are the victims. Not so much the young children although their lives are completly altered, but the adults.
In my case I was brought up by my mothers mother, who was I think ashamed of how her daughter had died and never mentioned her. I know my father felt guilt for the rest of his life, always asking himself if he should have noticed that his wife was lower than normal, if there was anything he could have done to stop her (although I think this was the last of a numebr of attempts and he had saved her before). Suicide can also be seen as the ultimate in rejection and is it very hard for people to cope with.
Shame and guilt are most likely why the family don't speak about it, and from my own experience they may not want to talk about it at all. My step mother really had to force my father to talk about my mother and he found it very upsetting.


Lastly there is no way that your husband should feel any guilt for what happened to his mother. I'm assuming that she was suffering from some kind of depression and that changes people completly. I know my mother, when she was feeling right, was a loving mother. I've read how proud she was when I took my frst step. I know I was loved just as I'm sure your husband was. Nothing he did could have made his mother kill herself and nothing he could have done would have stopped it.


Hope this is some help and if your husband wants any help please ask.

[prufrock]

jelly as custy has said there will be seperate issues because of the suicide, but I wanted to find you this old thread where some of us talked about losing parents, esp. at such a young age, and not knowing anything about them. It might help you to understand some of te feelings he might be having

[jellybelly25]

Thankyou everyone for replying, its so sad to hear all your experiences but I appreciate it. Sillydad, welcome to MN and thanks for sharing that, it does sound like a similar situation. Also very sad, but I'm glad you found that diary it must have really helped.