Support Thread for Mners with Depressed dp/dh

[massivebigpantsface]

I've really noticed this a lot lately and seem to be reading posts I could have written myself day in day out.

So any one want to join me and go through this together?

Me - well, my dh has been up and down to a lesser extent for most of his adult life by the sounds of it, but in the last six months things have really come to a head and we are struggling through this day by day.

Its hard for him of course, but I'm sure anyone reading this will agree, I just want someone to look after me for a change, sometimes I feel great and sometimes I want to scream!

Right, I have to go out now but I'll be around late, as always, and hope that some of you will join me on this

[Tanee58]

Hi MBPF, sorry to hear you're going through it too.

Yes, there does seem to be a lot of depression around - for both sexes. My dp was very difficult to live with for the last six months, which was also the first six months of us living together in our new house. I've known him nearly 20 years, so I knew he suffered from depression from time to time, but this was the first time I'd had to live with it and it's been a huge pressure on the relationship. The main cause for him was that he wasn't working (he's an actor, so work is never guaranteed). I really missed the man I loved, who was exchanged, like a changeling, for a man who slept all day and sat up all night, drinking too much wine and not really connecting with me at all except on a superficial level. He's away for a summer season now, and not depressed for the duration, but I know it'll return if he's unemployed for a long period again, and I dread it. Makes me wonder whether moving in together was such a great idea after all, though we love our house and it meant that my dd could have a room of her own at last (we both lived in tiny flats before).

Don't know if I can offer much advice, but I can certainly sympathise with your own up and down feelings.

[Marne]

My dh has had depression on and off for the past 3 years and has been on Ad's for 2 years.

He has more good days than bad now but the bad days are realy hard for both of us.

Dh's mother comited suicide when dh was 11 years old, dh found her when he came home from school , since loosing his mum he finds it hard to trust anyone he gets close too. We think this is where the depression stems from.

Somedays (when he's down) i just want to shake him and tell him to get over it, which seems realy mean but i find it hard to relate to how he is feeling.

[Tanee58]

Marne, oh, how sad for your dh - I know a couple of people whose mothers committed suicide - one found his mother also, when he was 18 - she'd hanged herself, so it must have been unimaginably horrible for him. Both people felt it was the worst betrayal a mother could do, even though they understood she was depressed and ill and wasn't making a deliberate decision to leave her children. It must be so hard for both of you. Yes, I agree it's hard for us to really enter into the world of a clinical depressive. I've felt low, but not for the sustained periods that real depression involves. One's instinct is to shake them and say, look at all you've got going for you - but that doesn't work .

[massivebigpantsface]

hello tanee and marne!
I don't have any time right now but just wanted to let you know I had read your posts and thank you for sharing your experiences.

Dh is off work at the moment, goes back on monday, and we live in a very small flat so I don't have much time on my own to chat this week. It can get a bit stifling whilst he is at home tbh, as much as I love him I sooo need my own space (and free time to mn )

I can certainly identify with some of the things you have both said and despite the subject matter I think I will enjoy being able to chat with others who know how I feel too. Hopefully I'll get a chance to catch up over the next couple of days. Keep ing!

[massivebigpantsface]

tanee, I've had a chance to re-read your post now and think that it seems to be a common thing for creative types, such as your dp, to be night people too. I don't think this helps the situation at all because of too much time spent alone with thier thoughts.
I was once with someone, also suffering with depression, who always used to stay up at night - it was a passion killer to say the least! I used to hate getting up on my own in the morning and seeing he'd fallen asleep on the sofa, glass of wine half full and ashtray overflowing. We lived separate lives really. Anyway, we were never going to work but are stil goodd friends and he hasn't changed abit - his current dp has the odd moan about it too!

It must be difficult for you during these out of work periods, I hope something comes up for him soon!

[massivebigpantsface]

Marne - 'Somedays (when he's down) i just want to shake him and tell him to get over it, which seems realy mean but i find it hard to relate to how he is feeling.'

I used to feel like this all the time too, I'm quite a positive person and it drives me mad that dh gets worked up and angry about the smallest of things. It is like a cloud over our home when he is down. He tells me that he's not upset or angry with me so I should just ignore him if he shouts and swears ( frequently at things like the hoover, dropping a fork, losing his keys etc, but its hard to carry on being cheerful when all you can hear is someone in a rage.
At the moment dh is really struggling at work, he's just had two weeks off with depression, but its a new job - he's not getting paid and his employers aren't to happy either .
He has spent the whole of the last week worrying himself sick about going back, not sleeping etc. The first day he phoned in sick he was white, shaking and nearly in tears at the thought of going in. It's not the job itself, although it doesn't help, its just that anything is hard for him to deal with right now.

I'm trying to be patient, I stop myself from saying 'just get on with it!', which is what I think to myself when times are tough. I'm really worried that he may just walk out of work one day and lose his job, we are far from well off and that would lead to untold problems.

It must have been awfuil for your dh to have found his mother like that - so many questions unanswered and so much pain! It is good that the ad are helping, has he had any counselling?