Failing my girls

[PricklyHedgehog]

Name Change here, but regular poster I'm sure many of you would recognise.

I don't know if I'm depressed but i think I'm losing my mind. I love my girls so much I would die for them, and kill to protect them, but at the moment all I want to do is get away from them.

I just want to shut them out and be on my own. I don't want to be around them. DD1 is driving me insane and every time she says mummy I cringe and want her to go away. DD2 is giving me some trouble with sleeping. Neither of them are that bad so I can't understand why I am having so much trouble coping when women cope every day with so much more than this.

I feel like I am utterly failing them and I don't know what to do. I am having wild thoughts that I just want to run away and fuck off somewhere.
DH isn't here much under circumstances we can't change at the moment, so am doing it mostly on my own and I get so little time away from them that it is now all I want.

I want more than anything to be a good mother and mostly I am ok, but then I have days like today when I just want to shake them til they shut up and shut myself away.

I think I should never have had children and I don't deserve them,, and I am utterly failing them.

[turquoisenights]

i understand you very well, you are not alone.
i feel like i need a break to gain some energy and miss my dd.

[LilRedWG]

You are not failing them! The fact that you care enough to post on here speaks volumes. I've a feeling I know who you are and I just want to say I think you are a fab mum and have given me tons of great advice.

Hang in there and try to arrange for a day to yourself. If DH can't have DDs then get someone else too!

[snowwonder]

have you any family close by that could give you a break fromthe girls?

i know how you feel a bit, i am single parent to 2 girlsand they are brill girls, but i struggle,

there dad has contact one afternoon a week, i would love a weekend away from them (that sounds awful!!)

but you do need a break and it is important to recognise that

hope you feel slightly better by talking about it

[PricklyHedgehog]

sitting feeding dd2 and dd1 is brushing my hair. feeling calmer.

Red you have made me cry, i can hardly see the keys.

[meandmy]

all moms go through this its ok it will get better you need to talk to your gp/hv about how your feeling as youve done good posting about it on here so now youve got to get rl help big hugs

[LilRedWG]

Silly sausage! Get on MSN and give me your address. I'm coming to see you next week. I'll take the girls for a walk and you can have a soak in the bath!!!!

[PricklyHedgehog]

have family close but they are busy my mum has the girls sometimes but doesn't really take them away from me, iyswim.
She has them so DH and i can go out if we ask, but funds are low so it's not often.

I love them so much they are the best thing i have ever done so why am i so desperate to get away from them??
Sometimes I really loathe myself.

[PricklyHedgehog]

Red, you might suspect who it is, but I could never admit it.

[LilRedWG]

I love DD too, but couldn't get away from my PIL's quick enough on Saturday - they had her overnight! I think sometimes you just need your own space, without having to worry.

Anyway, email me that address with best days for you! I've got to go now but will be back later.

Take care and try and get a nap in if at all possible!

[slinkyjo]

i know that feeeling all to well, my kids do the same to me at times i havent had a true break from them since they were born, it doesnt mean your a bad mother,infact your a good mother for caring about them so much, of course things get on top of all mums because in a way we lose who we are as we become, mum and wife, or partner and we kinda forget that we are a person to and tend to forget to put ourselves first to recharge our batteries and to be us. i dont know if i worded that right

[LilRedWG]

Good god woman - the things I've admitted to you!!! Email me NOW! (((hugs)))

[emmatomATO]

Just a few hours alone to read, shop, watch TV or whatever floats your boat would do you the world of good and recharge your batteries, ready to go back in and cope.

Is there not any family or friend who you could ask for just a couple of hours every now and then?

Lots of us need space and quiet away from everything and everyone - doesn't mean we don't love them anyless, but to be kind to your little ones you need to be kind to yourself.

[LilRedWG]

ME ME ME, pick ME!!

[Tentibuckbeak]

I failed already this week not taken them to playgroups. I adore my boys but can't wait to see the back of them some days. Miss them when I'm apart from them for a few hours, but as soon as I'm back with them, I can't wait till I'm away from them again

Prickly, hang on in there, it will get better

I'm online now if you want to talk.
{{{}}}

[Lullabyloo]

Sweetheart...(((((((((((((((((((((((((hug)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
I'm here if you need to talk
You are a fab Mum...sometimes tnings are hard that's all..especially when you have no quiet time just to 'be'

dont be unkind to yourself let me know what I can do to make things easier xxxx

[PricklyHedgehog]

Slinky I know. The thing is I haven't forgotten and I just want to be me again and be able to do what I want for a change.
God I know it's not selfish of me to want that, but I want it all the time, probably cos I never really get it tho.

God, I don't even talk to her half the time just go straight to shouting.
I feel really out of control, and so don't want to "damage" them. Not physically btw, just cause them some kind of personality disorder from being such a bitch.
Now I'm talking bollocks, but I do actually worry that I'll turn them into these paranoid, scared little quivering wrecks who are scared to talk to me incase I bite their heads off.
God I wish I had never posted now.

[Tentibuckbeak]

You sure you're not me Prickly?

[PricklyHedgehog]

. I adore my boys but can't wait to see the back of them some days. Miss them when I'm apart from them for a few hours, but as soon as I'm back with them, I can't wait till I'm away from them again


Tentie, that is exactly how I am.
I miss them when I am away from them but as soon as I am back

[LilRedWG]

They know you love them. That's obvious for photographs - you can see how happy they are in their eyes. You need a break and you need to be kind to yourself.

[PricklyHedgehog]

GTG, be back later.

[Meeely2]

OK I have not read any other post apart from your original one, so wanted to respond with my immediate feelings.

This is me totally, 100% to the letter.

I adore my DT's, die for them like you say, could stand watching them sleep forever, catch my breath when they smile - obsessed you might say!

Then one will whinge at me 'mummy, i want grapes, mummy, i want this, i want that'. I start to feel all hot, sick almost and then snap at the next comment to come out of their mouths.......

I blamed dh, i blamed them, i blamed life.....then i blamed me. I went to docs, explained as much as i could (don't know about you but I find it hard to express the depth of my emotions when i'm actually having a good day), she put me on anti d's and put me forward for councelling. The change was AMAZING! That was last year. I am off the pills now (through my own choice), but have booked an appointment with HV to see if my issues are that i have particularly badly behaved children (which i doubt) and also i will eventually start seeing a councellor.

A lot of people are very anti pills as a solution and i agree, they are not a solution. They actually took the red mist of anger and despair away and allowed me to see life how it should be lived and showed me how much i could ENJOY being a parent. Coming off them was a risk, but I feel fine MOST of the time, i still have my moments which is why i want to talk things through with a professional.

My message to you is you are not alone, you are not failing your kids, you do deserve them, but there 'could' be a wee chemical imbalance which isn't allowing you to see the true joy that kids bring. If pills are not your thing, you really do need to find some 'ME' time. Do you have family close by? perhaps get them to baby sit while you go to the gym or swimming or go out for a glass of wine with a friend? Increased exercise can increase you seratonin levels naturally without the help of pills.

the main point is TALK to someone in RL as well as on here, believe me as soon as it's off your chest you will feel human again, rather than an emotional freak!

take care, hope i haven;t repeated what everyone else has said!

[Tentibuckbeak]

So you are me

[GryffindorInARiffindor]

PH - I think you may be slightly depressed and no wonder as you are coping with so much, a lot of times, on your own.

I think you need to look in the mirror and see yourself for the amazing, strong, sweet and loving person you are. You are not a bad person - no way.

[Notquitegrownup]

Oh PH, I could have written your post a while ago.

You are not a bad mum. You are very tired and you are being human. Babies and little ones are programmed to demand more than one person can give them. You are responding the way that anyone does if they are required to give out more than they have. I really believe that we are meant to live in communities, with extended family around and to share the upbringing. Those without supportive family or childfree friends nearby know exactly how you feel.

My solution, when I felt as you do, was to

a) sleep whenever I could

b) get a job, which covered the cost of childcare for a while. I sooooo needed that break of a day a week, to remember how to be human.

The fact that you are having broken nights means that this all feels much worse. If your dh or MIL can look after the girls one evening, have a long bath and go to bed at 8pm. If you can do that once a week, so much the better.

(Our local sports centre has a creche. See if your does so that you could have a swim now and then, whilst someone else looks after the girls.)

And as someone suggested below, don't be afraid to chat to your hv, or GP.

This is a totally normal feeling and things will get easier.

[slinkyjo]

i know excatly what your saying as your not alone, i rarely talk to my dd because i just cant cope with her sounds awful i know, compared to my ds shes a nightmare and the reason they have this effect on us is because we love them so much, being a parent can be a lonely time for a mum, and im glad you posted it because you will find that it actually makes other mums realise that the way they are feeling isnt abnormal, i was going to post a simalar thread but as im new didnt want you all to think im a crap mum cause i love my kids more than anything but sometimes i feel im on the verge of a breakdown, its hard to cope with sometimes.