i'm feeling so down

[kreamkrackers]

i don't even know where to begin, well here's a list of what's gone on in my life

mum and dad split up due to mum sleeping with somebody else and getting pregnant, my dad only found out when my brother was 2 (i'm about 4)

mum slept around but eventually settled for brothers dad who is an alcoholic

alcoholic starts playing mind games (i can't go into details as it'd take too long and it's upsetting but really bad hurtful lasting mind games)

sexually abussed by step dads friend at a pub, he pleaded guilty when it came out but got let off

step dad still takes us the same pub and his friends still there but nothing more happened

mind games by step dad get worse, he tries to also physically attack but my mum does nothing about it

in my teenage years i became depressed, didn't have many friends

mum sleeps around behind step dads back, he kind of knows what's going on and takes it out on me with more mind games and some physical violence

after school i got some friends and started going out at weekends drinking

one night i got really drunk and was raped, it was the night before my mum's birthday and i got told i'd spoilt her birthday by step dad

a year later met dp and fell in love

got pg and moved out at 18

at 19 had a beautiful girl, bf everythings fine

3 days old we take her back to a different hospital as she's become very ill, nobody believes us and we're left for over 3 hours. paediatrician finally looks at her and we're taken out of the room. next time we see her she's on all the machines fighting for life as she has a massive cardiac condition. i really thought my world was ending i never thought she'd survive

dd1 was transfered to another hospital, as she was in multiple organ failure they had to build her up for 2 weeks for her 11 1/2 hr op. she came out and again i thought she was going to die, she was like an ice block. it's strange that dd1 had more doctors and nurses around her both times she was in bad ways more than any other patient i've seen on picu.

it took them 2 weeks to be able to close her chest as she'd swelled up that much. soon after she was out of picu, she spent another 5 weeks just in the cardiac ward before coming home but even when she was home she's still poorly and hard work

we kept getting told her heart wasn't doing well and she needed another heart op but they dragged it out as long as they could and her 2nd heart op was when she was 1 (i was convinced she wasn't going to survive her 2nd heart op). it was another bad time but that op has made all the difference she's so much better now

we decided to have another baby. 1st pg was a mc, 2nd i had a little girl who was 11 weeks early after my waters went. she was in hospital for 10 weeks. she's doing well now and it's her birthday today.

so now i have 2 beautiful dd's. dd1 is really behind with her learning, she's just been accepted to the sn nursery. dd2 is a very hard clingy baby who has a very bad temper. i'm completely exhausted now and feel like crap even though i've got my girls and dp. i'm not getting any help with it all though i get promised help but there's no help coming.

i feel really angry with the whole world and often think why has all this happened to me? i keep crying again and i hate feeling this weak. my family isn't here for me and i think it's because dd1 has sn (also my mum wasn't really here for me when i was growing up, never did any mothering things and showed me love). it really does hurt me. i can't be bothered calling them anymore as they never call me. nobody is here for me but anytime somebody needs me i've always helped them but i won't anymore.

anyways, is there any way of getting over all these things? i'm thinking of asking to go on ad but dp is against this. i don't want councelling (even though i think if it was offered when dd1 was first ill i would have coped better with everything but it wasn't). i just no i can't go on feeling like this anymore

[kreamkrackers]

also i know theres nothing i could've done about this but when pg with dd1, i didn't smoke, drink, take drugs (not even paracetamol), i played classical music to help with brain development (we also played this in picu so it's too upsetting to play now ) and we're both young so why did this have to happen to us? i had a hard time growing up and i didn't deserve to have to go through that and i hate knowing dd1 will need more heart ops life is so bloody horrible

[BrothelPomonaSprout]

You've got a huge amount to cope with, sweetheart, and a lot of things from your past that you need help to come to terms with.

I think the first port of call is your GP. If you don't want to talk it all through, print off your post and take it with you.

They will discuss all the options with you.

You need some time to yourself, as you sound exhausted.

Could your DP take a few hours to look after them so you can get some sleep?

It is so hard to function when you are tired.

[wrinklytum]

(((((hugs))))

Dunno what to say


Take care xxxxxx

Wrinkly.

[naswm]

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Have you spkeon to anyone in rl abotu this? GP? HV??

[kreamkrackers]

i know i'm completely exhausted but dp is too. he is coping better than me but i don't want to drag him down. i really think i need ad but i am worried about them

[kreamkrackers]

i can't talk to hv or gp, it's so hard i just try to make out that i am coping although i do keep saying i want a break

[naswm]

tlaing to GP etc is hard, but it is the fist stetp to geting help. Can you try to bok an appt?

yiy have been through a horribkle time. Truly horrible. you say you dont wnat couselling, but it might be a good idea. you ahve done so well to gt to this poinnt

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[kreamkrackers]

i can't talk to anybody though, i'm really shy in rl. i know i'll just be angry with whoever i try to talk to because they won't ever feel or understand what i've been through but i don't want anyone to feel like this it's horrible. i sometimes look at my life i think all these things can't have happened to me but they have and it's not fair

[naswm]

no one can undertsatnd how you feel - but they can be ther for you adn support you as you try to move on.

talking is Sooooooooooooooooooooooo hard. I know. I ahve been there. And still am in some wyas. But is reallly is the fist step to help.

I undersand so much of wjhat you are saying. I relaly do.

[kreamkrackers]

it's also getting the time to do counselling. i've not had time to do anything for myself like learning to drive, we keep getting told we'll get help but we don't. the only help we can have is for dd1 to go into respite but she has problems with her immune system and when we've tried respite in the past she's always come back that ill we've ended up back in hospital with her.

[kreamkrackers]

i'm going to try to get some sleep, i hate lying there with all these thoughts in my head. i need to try to cheer up, it's dd2's 1st birthday, i was so scared this time last year going into labour with her. i need to make her day a happy day.

[naswm]

I knwo I relaly do. But maybe its time to mamke some time for YOU.....


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[kreamkrackers]

really feeling down again and wish i wasn't as it's dd2's 1st birthday. she's only had a few presents from us and two cards one from me and her dad and the other from her sister. it's so hard knowing that people will be here tomorrow to see her and they're never here for us. they'll probably bring cards with them but i feel it's too late the day after her birthday, the same thing happens to dd1 each year.

on dd1's birthday this year we had dp's foster mum telling us how hard her friend has it as her twins were born at 34 weeks and the little boy has his toes fused together, i feel like screaming that's fucking nothing compared to what we've been through. dp's other foster mum also said before dd1's first operation when we really wasn't sure if she'd survive said well things could be worse she could be in a wheelchair i don't bloody care as long as she survives. i also have people commenting that dd1 doesn't really have sn, she has digeorge syndrome and i've worked really hard at bringing her development on but she often looks so blankly and doesn't understand things, i think if they're saying things like that they must be hinting that i'm a bad mum when i know i always put my children first.

i was telling dp how our families haven't really seen our kids grow up, even if they offered to babysit they'd have to be told absolutely everything about them as they don't know what they're like. it really does hurt that they don't bother with the kids. i think it hurts even more to know the team that help with dd1 for all her sn's see both our girls grow up more than anybody else in our families and it doesn't feel fair.

i might try to get a doctors appointment today but i have so much to do with the kids it really is hard fitting it all in. dp's off for dd2's birthday, we wanted to cancel everything we've got on today to take the girls out for dd2's birthday but the weather's crap again so it looks like we'll be putting it off until the weather gets better.

[mrsmcv]

what you're going through and have gone through is really hard and you sound so knackered and worn out with it all I can imagine how going to docs seems like major mountain.

When I was in dire trouble, i referred myself to Homestart, who sent round lovely volunteer for three hours a week. She helped with everything from ironing to telling rude jokes and making me laugh when I never thought I'd find anything funny ever again.

It seems like a drop in ocean compared to all you're facing but it was a real lifesaver for me and may be something to bear in mind.

You sound like a brilliant mum for all you're doing to keep the cart on the wheels and help your eldest.

[mrsmcv]

what you're going through and have gone through is really hard and you sound so knackered and worn out with it all I can imagine how going to docs seems like major mountain.

When I was in dire trouble, i referred myself to Homestart, who sent round lovely volunteer for three hours a week. She helped with everything from ironing to telling rude jokes and making me laugh when I never thought I'd find anything funny ever again.

It seems like a drop in ocean compared to all you're facing but it was a real lifesaver for me and may be something to bear in mind.

You sound like a brilliant mum for all you're doing to keep the cart on the wheels and help your eldest.

[MrsMuddle]

I second mrsmcv's suggestion of HomeStart. Give your local one a call. You can refer yourself - you don't need to go through your GP or social work. I've had a look at your profile, and your daughters are beautiful. Keep strong.

[kreamkrackers]

i've never heard of homestart. will check it out. thanks for the advice

[mrsmcv]

www.home-start.org.uk

good luck