New...and lost

[Nedmum]

I've been reading all this for a few weeks now, as baby sits yelling on my lap, and finally decided to join in.
Have a six-week-old son, my first, and still feel completely out of my depth. Everyone said it would get better at six weeks, but I can't see it.
I just always feel I don't know what I'm doing - maybe this is normal, but it scares me. I can change his nappy, feed him, all the practical stuff, but when he cries and it's not an obvious problem, I just find myself staring at him blankly while he gets hysterical. I just can't seem to make him happy.
It's getting to the stage where I daren't take him out, as he screams, and everyone looks at me like I'm an unfit mother for taking such a small baby out of the house. Maybe I am?
So, last night, had about three hours sleep, one of them only after I begged my husband to do the 4am feed - he had to drive this morning, and does the 'paid' work, so I always feel I shouldn't ask for help.
And now, I've just had to deal with a half-dead frog that the cat's brought in - I've put a washing up bowl on it, and weighed it down with a book.
Any advice/comfort/other people's moans would be much appreciated, on the subject of the frog or the baby.

[EllieG]

hey nedmum - sounds like you're having a tough time hon. I don't know much (about anything really) but could be you have some post-natal depression. Very common, doesn't make you bad person or bad mother, but you may well need some RL help to get out of it. Have you been to see your GP or contacted your health visitor?
Also - I would leave the frog where it is and let DP sort it out when he comes home. Have you got any friends or family can look after the baby while you sleep? Or to give you a bit of company?

[Mindles]

Hello, sorry you're having a hard time of it. Have you got a bouncy chair for the baby? I had one which vibrated which I think helped with his wind/bellyache. It was a lifesaver for me because I could stick him in it and put the telly on to distract him, and go have a cup of tea in peace.

Also, for the first few months, I was convinced that any day, the baby's real mum would turn up and say "Thanks for looking after him, see you around"... I was convinced I wasn't capable of being a mother or even just keeping him alive! That has passed, and I have the occasional moment of "oh f**k I can't do this" but it doesn't usually last long.

And people probably aren't staring at you, or if they are, they are thinking, poor woman having to deal with a screaming baby. I usually feel sympathy rather than scorn if I see someone with a grumpy child.

Re: the frog - my dog brought me a half-dead rabbit once. Have you ever heard a rabbit scream? Gosh that's upsetting! I sat in the bathroom with it until it died and then I went to college and left it for my dad to deal with

It should be dead in an hour or two, can you use a teatowel or something to pick it up and bin it?

[Smaug]

You do sound a bit down, Nedmum. Agree with Ellie, have you talked your HV? Or GP if more approachable?

Six weeks really is still very early days - I'd say it doesn't even begin to get better before about 3 months, though not sure if that will make you feel better or worse!

Keep going out. I really doubt that anyone's looking at you, but you and your baby need the exercise and fresh air. Staying in won't make either of you happier.

[Smaug]

God, no idea about the frog. I'd probably do what you did and wait for dh to come home and deal with it.

[BBBeeRose]

sorry you having a tough time - mumsnet is really good for support and advice - my children are older but lots of people on here are in the same position as you.

[Nedmum]

Wow, feel less miserable already, knowing there are other people out there siting at their computer at 10am, possibly still in their dressing gowns.
In my head, I know six weeks is early days, but i've never been very good at patience, and its the thought that my son doesn't particularly like me thats the killer.
Also, live in a small village, not been here long, so don't really know anyone, and hate the idea of mother and baby groups.
First of friends to procreate, plus most of them don't live round here, and mother is useless with babies, so would probably lose him if I asked for help. Having said that, she's a housework marvel, so can't complain.
Health visitor (HV?) worse than useless - when I ask for advice, she just goes in sing-song voice: "You're hos mum, you're the expert." Right, so what's she actually for then?
Oh my God, I can hear the frog trying to escape. It's obviously not dead enough. And the cat looks like it might be about to set him free. And I was moaning about feeling depressed, bored and isolated... at least I'll have something to tell hubby about, apart from how many nappies I've changed, and at what point the baby stopped yelling.

[derlor]

Hi Nedmum,
come over to the born in June thread and join us, where LOADS of us are going through exactly the same as you and can offer all sorts of advice and support - you have come to the right place xx

[LittleLupin]

Blimey, I had no idea what I was doing for at least 3 months!!!

Welcome to MN!

As to the frog - a little butter and garlic, maybe?!

[daisyandbabybootoo]

hi Nedmum...sorry you are feeling so low at the moment and that its stopping you from enjoying your baby. I had PND with my DS and have had AND/PND ongoing for the last six months and it seems to me like you may be suffereing with it a bit too. Speak to your HV and tell her how you feel. no-one will think your an unfit mother at all.

it is overwhelming with a new baby, but don't be scared to ask your DH for support...although he's off being paid, you are doing an important job and you need to be functioning properly to do it. I'm sure your DH is only happy to help....parenting is a team effort after all!

It might not seem it at the moment, but it will get better and soon you'll be getting giggles and grins from your DS and it will make your heart soar .

Come and talk to us on the June PostNatal Thread. We're all in a similar situation and its really nice to be able to share worries and get some realtime advice from mums with babies the same age.

No advice on the frog really...can you get a neighbour to come and sort it out for you?

[daisyandbabybootoo]

nedmum...your DS doesn't know like or dislike.....but he doesknow that you're the most important person in his life right now.

Those electric swings are good for settling crying babies, a few of the june mums have them and swear by them.

If your HV is so useless, can you talk things through with your GP.

[Mindles]

Haha - nedmum I was in my dressing gown when I wrote my first post, but I've got someone coming round in half an hour so I've grudgingly put my pyjamas on...

... ds is six months


Can you lock the frog and the cat in a room together and let them fight it out?

[Mindles]

Yes second Daisy's suggestion about the swings, they are expensive but if you can get one second-hand it's well worth it. We were given one, I swear they hypnotise babies.

[derlor]

rofl mindles at the cat/frog fight

[daisyandbabybootoo]

Can you leave the back door open and hope it finds its own way out.....lock the cat upstairs first though

LOL at LLs suggestion of butter and garlic!

Yesterday, although I had to put clothes on as I had to take DS to school, I didn't even manage to wash or comb hair/clean teeth before we left the house.

Some days I'm still in my jammies at teatime!

[bookthief]

Yep, did a lot of staring at the screaming-for-no-reason baby.

I think the worst time was when he was 3 weeks old and my mum had come to stay for a week to help out after dh went back to work. She stayed in a b&b as we live in a 1 bed flat and came round after breakfast every morning & let herself in. Second morning she'd let herself in and gone to make a coffee as we weren't up. I didn't realise she was there until she came into the bedroom because she assumed something must be wrong as ds had been crying and crying and she couldn't hear me. She found me and ds in bed with me just staring at him. I was too exhausted to even pick him up . I felt awful. She took him until I got a wash and then fed him, and then I went back to bed for a couple of hours while she took him out for a walk but I felt like I'd been caught out being the worst mother in the world.

What I would say about the baby crying when you're out and feeling like everyone's looking at you, newborns actually cry pretty quietly compared to older babies. The crying will not be bothering other people as much as you think although it will seem like the loudest, longest lasting noise in the world to you. My sil told me this. I didn't believe her but I see tiny babies crying now and it's true! You need to get out of the house for your sanity, truly.

Or just spend as much time as possible on mumsnet. That's what I did, baby on lap most of the time...

[Nedmum]

Thanks bookthief, at least I'm not the only one.
I was prepared for pretty much anything, even for not liking the little tike, but while I do love him, and occasionally like him , I find myself at a complete loss sometimes. I will just look at him, like if I stare hard enough, he'll tell me what's wrong, or shut up of his own accord. Still waiting for either outcome.
And all people ever say is "you know him best" or "it'll come naturally". Balls. If anyhting, I'm the one who makes him worse. Obviously, he picks up on my stress, but knowing this doesn't help.
Oh, there he goes again. Time to perfect my vacant look...

[stealthsquiggle]

I would also endorse the swings - you could have ours for the postage but TBH that would probably be more than a second hand one from ebay would cost if you can find a local one to collect... (or try free exchange sites).

My other hint (and this one is not so easy) would be to admit to a HV that you are having a tough time - or at least ask where the local groups / childrens centre / whatever are. In a small village you are unlikely to "just meet" other mothers and the cliques can be hard to break into - but once you are in you are well and truly in and are bound to meet others who are going/have been through the same thing.

[bookthief]

Have you had any smiles yet? If not, they're only a few weeks off and then it starts getting more rewarding. You get more feedback at that point as to what makes him happy and then a while after that you'll get your first giggle and that's something else that you can fish for.

Once you can actually interact with them more it gets way easier. Honest. I agree that it would be well worth asking for help though. I have a friend with a baby a few weeks younger than ds and we used to spend an hour at a time on the phone just saying ffs they don't tell you this, that & the other...it helps to share stuff and everyone goes through the same things.

[KezzaG]

Nedsmum you have had loads of good advice already, but just wanted to say I could have written your post (even the frog bit - mine was definately dead though but still did bowl/book thing in case)

I can clearly remember calling dh at work at just over 6 weeks and crying because I was sure ds didnt like me, all he seemed to do was cry.

I also hear what you are saying about not wanting to go out, I did this too but it doesnt help and you may feel more isolated. It is only your babies cry that seems so bad to you, I bet no one else thinks it is as bad as you do. The lack of sleep is also clouding everything for you.

If you do think your baby cries a lot you might want to try baby massage or a cranial osteopath. This worked wonders for my ds, but tbh he might have grown out of the crying anyway.

Stick with it, and get help from gp/hv if you feel you need it.

no advice on the frog other than wait for dh to get home, or let it loose and go out while the cat does its worst!

[clutteredup]

Me too Kezza.
Hi Nedmum, you could be me 6 years ago with DS. I didn't like going out because there was 'no room for a pushchair, everyone hated me for trying to get through a crowded street and all could see I was a crap mum'. You're not, if you have a baby you are feeding him and changing his nappy, you are NOT a crap mum. Sleep deprivation is a nightmare too and doesn't help, can DH help out on a fri or sat night so you can have one night when you get some rest - he may be the main earner but its his ds too. it took dh 3 dc to help out on the night feeds but only after he had to put up with my PND for 5 years...get DH to learn how to be an involved dad from the start. DH did used to take DS off on a sat or sun morning , he used to go to starbucks and enjoy all the attention he got from women thinking how sweet it was that he had ds on his own - it gave me a break-
DON'T try and do all the housework and keep the house perfect becuase 'I'm at home so it's my job' - it's not
DO make sure you get as much help as possible from friends family- you're not a failure to admit you need help, you're a normal first time mum.
DO ask help from HV or GP as advised elsewhere on this thread- you don't have to continue feeling awful, there are things to help
DO keep on MNing, its a lifeline, welcome to many years at the computer as DS grows up and causes much happiness and stress.
Your DS doesn'y dislike you, you're just too stressed to calm him down, I couldn't settle DS at all and DH would pick him up and he would stop grizzling and smile - i hated it but it was because i couldn't bear the crying and I'd not be relaxed with him - it will come. BTW DS does like me now, so don't worry.
You're not alone at all, many of us have been there too. it will be fine

[clutteredup]

Yes and sorry about the frog - i think the garlic is the best idea

[purpleturtle]

Hi Nedsmum - don't feel I have a great deal to offer you over and above the great advice you've already been given, but wanted to say that I looked at your profile to see whereabouts you are, and your db doesn't get a mention yet.

My other thought is that although the prospect of mum and baby groups may fill you with dread, it might be good to brave one anyway. I would recommend a first baby group if you can find one, because everyone's fairly new to this parenting lark, and you're less likely to get seriously patronised.

[BBBee]

what happened to the frog?

Did you eat it?

did the cat eat it?

Am unable to sleep with anticipation!!

[Nedmum]

Well, its good to know I'm no worse than anyone else. Only mums I know are experts - like dh's sister, who's been popping them out since she was 12 or something, so feel completely useless next to her.
Dh is actually really good with baby, its more me feeling like I should do everything all the time. And he's a bit crap at it - keeping baby up til all hours watching Training Day, then leaving me to deal with crankiness. Grr. I think this is more general idiocy than anything more sinister though.
So, ds is having another crotchety day, although I did get my first smile yesterday . Possibly the most amazing sight I've ever seen, although I'll need a good few more before he starts getting away with murder.
And the frog - I assumed it would have died after eight hours in prison, but when dh got home, he did the whole cardboard under the bowl trick, and got one hell of a shock when it moved. He transported it to the garden, then unveiled it (with a flourish, like a waiter) and the bloody things sat there, all frog-like. Then it hopped off somewhere. The cat is still in a mood with me for my ingratitude.

[EllieG]

Glad to hear you seem to be feeling bit more positive nedmum - you sound like you're doing a great job hon x