I don't think I'm depressed I just think I'm right

[Xanthipi]

According to my doctors, I've been severely "depressed." I've been in hospital, have tried ADs (they made me ill and didn't work), and am currently on a bipolar drug that's great in that it's had no adverse effects, but unfortunately hasn't worked.

On and off over the past weeks, interspersed with super-productive stretches, I've been crying a lotall day, every day sometimeseven in front of the children, which is terrible for them. But I don't actually believe I'm depressed. I just think I'm right. Everything in the world seems to remind me of loss. But then everything is impermanent. So I'm right. And sometimes the sadness feels almost ecstatic, and I feel as though I have one foot in the world and one foot out of it, and can see "god" in everything, even though I'm not religious.

I've been told, though, that suicidality is a sure sign of depressionand I have that, but usually just briefly, and not right now, for example. Apparently I'm "ill," but what if it's just sensitivity? Maybe that's why the meds don't work: maybe I'm not actually ill? Or is this part of the diseasenot being able to recognize you're ill?

Does anyone else who's been told they're depressed not believe it?

(I see from previewing this post that I sound very unwell, and can easily see why I might not get any responses because I guess it's hard to respond to something this weird. But that's OK because I feel better having written this down.)

[fingerwoman]

I think what you need to recognise is that maybe you are right- maybe everything IS impermanent and there is bad stuff going on.
But, the impact that this realisation is having on your life isn't good is it? Crying all day? in front of the children? feeling suicidal?
Is that how you want to live your life? It doesn't matter if how you feel is truly how life is- it's how you cope with that knowledge that matters.
does that make sense?
Sometimes when we are ill we have to let go and trust that other people are right about us, which is very, very difficult to do.

[fingerwoman]

how long have you been on your meds? because they can take quite a few weeks to kick in properly.
are you having any therapy at all to go with this? because meds are pointless if you aren't dealing with the underlying issues causing the depression

[IsabelWatchingItRainInMacondo]

I really don't know what to say, as my only experience with depression has been PND.

I hated it and feared it at some moments, particularly when feeling the urge to cry or feeling like life was not worth living when my brain was telling me exactly at the same time that everything was fine, I had no motives whatsoever to be sad, that DS was lovely and such an easy to care for baby, etc.

Everything was fine, really, but there were this short lived moments when the feeling of doom would come so strong that I was afraid of it. I continued with the ADs because of this, and at the end they helped. Looking back I now realise how bad it was but at the time it just seemed unreal.

Another thing that helped was to accept the bad feelings when they came in, in the knowledge that they would go as quickly as they came. Is that what is happening to you?

[Tortington]

maybe you need coping strategies on how to cope with the world and th extra large feelings your having. maybe it woul be better to be refered to
a psychologist - who woul be able to help you put these feelings in context.

after all - the irony is your wasting your one chance at life and happiness with your children - on crying ....at the world and how impermenant it is.

[mamama]

Suicidality is also a symptom of other illnesses, not just depression. Have any other diagnoses been considered?

There are types of therapy that teach you how to deal with intense & overwhelming emotions - how to accept them, cope with them and use them constructively.

Have you discussed this with your doctor? Or a therapist/ counsellor?

Big {{hugs}}

[Xanthipi]

That's really nice that you all responded.

To answer your questions:

Yes I'm in counseling--and it helpa. But I guess not enough! And Isabel: in counseling I keep getting reminded of just what you said, that if I just ride out the bad feelings, even if they last a long time, say a week of more, I will pull out of it, because I always do. (I guess my doctor says this so I don't do anything rash when I'm feeling suicidal.) He also says, like all of you, that even if I am right, my reaction is overblown and clearly ruining my life and making things difficult for my kids. It's "needless suffering," he says.

I like what you say, fingerwoman, about trusting that other people might right about us. I'd forgotten, but I think my mother said that to me after I was in hospital. She basically said that sometimes you just need to do what doctors tell you to do, to get better--she said that's what "maturity" is. Especially when you have a family etc. And Custardo you're right, too.

As for the diagnosis, they're pretty sure it's bipolar (type 2). . .but I get so irritated by mental diagnoses, as some of them seem so forced. And I don't like meds either (partly because of what I said their not working). But apparently resistance to treatment, and the belief it won't work is symptomatic of the illness.

Well I feel just fine this morning, so will let everything you said penetrate my brain a bit, and maybe it will be helpful if things go pear-shaped for some reasons later in the day. Thanks again.