I saw my sister today

[powder28]

for the first time in 18 months. I was with my mum and my son and she was with my niece. Due to various disagreements, caused by her horrible husband, my sister has chosen not to let us know where they live. My parents helped my sister and her husband out financially and emotionally in the past and her husband threw it all back in my parents faces. He said some dreadful things to my mum, including suggesting to my niece that she should be scared of granny. This man is ill, but it's no excuse for the way my sister is acting. When we bumped into her today I just couldnt speak and I was standing there crying and shaking. I hugged my sister and she just stood there rigid!
When we said goodbye, I had a full on asthma attack on my way back to the car park. Luckily I had my inhaler so it stopped pretty quickly.
I'm not sure why I'm writing this but i just need to get it off my chest. She's my sister and I feel like she has become so moulded by her husband I will never see her again. She didnt seem very pleased to see us today and it's like she hates me. What have I done? I just feel terrible.

[lissie]

[QueenofBleach]

Don't know what to say

[powder28]

I know, I wouldnt know what to say either. I am currently drinking wine and mulling it over. A part of me wishes we hadnt seen her. It's completely thrown me because I wanted to ask for ner number and her address, and invite her round to the house with the kids, but I just stood there like a muppet, having a panic attack.
I suppose I want a nice easy answer and a happy reunion but the way she was today just made me so sad. She is so thin and she looked so tired and withdrawn. I just want things to be normal, but instead I feel out of control.

[knakered]

do you know where she lives?...can you get back in contact?...sounds like she needs you - maybe make a fresh start arms length polite conversations etc - decide which conversations to avoid - try not to be judgemental - or bring up the past maybe box your relationship to function around the children -- meet in the park for a play etc....you dont know what she is going thru ...she might need you in the future if her husband is such a nut

[Giana]

Splits in families are so sad. I'm sorry to hear of what you're going through right now. There is no excuse for what your BIL said to your parents - that was way out of line.

From your post, its obvious you don't like your BIL and neither do your parents. You say he was the cause of all the disagreements. You have even suggested he is mentally unstable.

If you're looking for a reason why your sister has cut you & your parents out of her life, then perhaps this is why. You may never have said any of the above to her face, but believe me, she knows. And it must hurt her deeply.

The person suffering the most from all of this is your sister. She has probably spent years trying to keep the peace between both sides. Now the split has relieved a lot of that stress, why would she want to go back if nothing has changed ?

You have to remember there are always two sides to every argument. Your sister obviously believes her husband isn't totally at fault. She must believe he has been treated unfairly by your parents too. If he was that bad, your sister wouldn't be still with him, would she ? He must have some redeeming features, even if you don't want to acknowledge them right now.

If you ever want to solve this then you must start trying to see things from her point of view, accept her life as she wants to live it and let go of all the old grudges.

[mamama]

{hugs}