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Mental health

Think SIL is depressed, what should I do???

11 replies

gingermonkey · 27/01/2007 16:18

My SIL (who I am close to) has a 4mth old baby and he is quite difficult, he cries a lot and likes to be carried and cuddled most of the time. She is always telling me she has been crying about this, that or the other and I feel she is on the brink of depression. I had it after dd so I kind of recognise the signs. I don't know whether to sit her down and talk to her or just leave her to deal with it as she sees fit. I don't want to seem interfering but I love her so much and it is upsetting me that she seems unable to cope. What should I do?

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JustIvor · 27/01/2007 16:23

I think I'd suggest that she makes an appointment with the gp or the hv and tells him/her how things are and how she feels. They should be able to help I hope. Perhaps you could offer to go with her and maybe hold the baby for her in the waiting room so that you're both nearby but it's just her being seen so they can concentrate on her?

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lissielou · 27/01/2007 16:39

i would suggest asking your db to look after ds for an hour, make a pot of tea and gently broach the subject stressing that you suffered pnd and you just want her to be happy and be able to enjoy ds. tell her that you will come to see hv, doc IF she wants etc. shes very lucky to have a friend like you

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gingermonkey · 28/01/2007 10:10

She's been a great friend to me, and I couldn't ask for a better sil. I am worried that if I say something she will take it the wrong way and think I am criticising. I remember when I was depressed, I would have been horrified if anyone had actually noticed and mentioned it to me!

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Carmenere · 28/01/2007 10:13

Well when I was depressed one of my oldest friends said it to me and I cried with relief that someone else knew how I was feeling. I am very grateful to her, please do speak to your sil just be sure to make sure that she knows she is being a good mum as of course that is one of her fears.

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gingermonkey · 28/01/2007 17:32

I spoke to mil today, apparently sil's mum has noticed and said something to mil but she is the type of woman who just tells you to get on with it. Fil and mil are more sympathetic and are trying to help out as much as poss. My nephew is at mil's most days for an hour or so to give sil some space. Sil just tries too damn hard. Today she had some people round for lunch because it was her turn (despite the fact that most of her friends are either child free or have slightly older ones) but her LO had been up most of the night. Come this eve she will be knackered and tomorrow she will be a mess again, because she wants to be the perfect wife and mother (which she would be if she stopped trying - she's fab at both!) When I think of her friends that 'entertain' it's the ones without kids, the ones with plenty of time on their hands. The ones with kids usually do a takeaway/bottle of wine evening. I don't entertain at all, any free time I have I want to chill out!
I think I will have a chat with her in the week, just to sound her out and see if she wants to talk. I remember her mother having a go when I was on antidepressants, saying that they would suppress my emotions and be addictive, well, maybe but I was off them in 18 mths and have since had counselling and I can say honestly that this time round things are much easier. She'll be scared to admit anything to her mum, who will just see it as a failure or weakness.

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lissielou · 28/01/2007 17:47

oh, the poor babe. why do we put ourselves under so much pressure?! how did she react to your depression?

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gingermonkey · 28/01/2007 17:52

She was quite young at the time (about 19 or 20), and I don't think she knew how to deal with it. We've only become really close in the last couple of years, as she's got older and matured in her ways. But she has always been there for the kids, she's a wonderful auntie and would take dd off for a day to give me space.

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lissielou · 28/01/2007 18:00

oh gm im v close to my sil too and when my pnd was v bad she found it really hard to see me so dead. do you have a copy of brooke shields book down came the rain?

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livysmum · 28/01/2007 20:01

When i was a little depressed with my DD I never let anyone help me and i got mad when people did or when DP told me i should talk to the Health visitor. All I'd suggest to you is give her as much time away from her son as you can. It did me a wolrd of good when I could go in the bath when someone else was taking care of my baby and I knew i could do somthing without inturruption. Also maybe just take him out in the pram for her for a long long walk or car ride. I didnt like having my daughter away from me at first but i know shes happy in her pram and not crying and if she does start to cry your SIL wont be there to hear her. I think she may just need breaks away from him to keep her sanity, because i dont feel that motherhood is AS hard as i thought it was going to be (although it is hard at times) but its more of the fact thats its ALL the time. no such thing as break. Thats just what made me feel better when i was down, a break.

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bakedpotato · 28/01/2007 20:12

If she is telling you that she's crying a lot, and if she knows you've had PND, she might be tentatively sounding you out, wanting to know if this is normal. I would say something gentle, along the lines of 'Are you OK, you seem low, do you feel like yourself?'

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gingermonkey · 29/01/2007 08:00

I asked dh what he thought today and he suggested I have a quiet word with her. I also hated having dd away from me when I was depressed, but sil does get plenty of time away from her ds, she will go for a facial or to the gym or have an hour at home alone. And she will have evenings off either out with her friends or with my bil. I can see that she is aware of what's happening to her and she is trying to sort it out but I think she expects it to pass in a little while. I think you are probably right, bakedpotato. I hadn't thought of it like that before but it does make sense.

Motherhood is so constant, even when they are sleeping we have something to do before we think of ourselves. My dh is really good with our 2, he's very hands on and works for himself (so he's about a lot), I'm really lucky in that way because my bil works long hours and has a very stressful job - he's the clever one in the family!!! He won't get home from work until lo is about to go to bed and then he has his dinner and sil goes to bed not long after - they are feeling the strain of it as a couple too but bil isn't very heart on his sleeve, if you know what I mean. It's all black or white to him. I think I will go round on weds on the premise that it's for something else, my ds is at nursery then and we can have a cup of tea (sorts most things out!) and a biscuit and if she wants to she can sob her little eyes out (it's making me upset thinking about it now). lissielou, I don't have that book but I think I will get it, I've heard good things about it before. I'll tell her I've had it ages and it's really good and helps me when I feel low (coz we all do!!!!)

Thanks everyone, I'll keep you posted x