I was accused of "wallowing in self pity"

[FatFikAndFugly]

last Saturday night by one of the few people I told about my depression. I'm still cross about it now. Am I really 'wallowing'? I stopped taking my A/D's after Christmas and had been feeling really good, had an off day and he happened to get me on the day. I've been feeling rather hurt and crap since.. I'm trying to tell myself I only feel crap because he used something I'm so secretive about as a weapon and that I trusted him enough to tell him.

[lulumama]

for you

that is one of the worst things to say to someone who is going through or coming through depression

that, and, pull yourself together!

like it is so easy

speaks more about his ignorance of this real and devastating illness than about you

you are bound to have wobbles after coming off ADs.....keep going ! x

[Greensleeves]

What a mean, destructive thing to say . However IME people either understand depression or they don't. IF they don't, it is very difficult to convey just how overwhelming it can be. You can't just snap out of it, much as I'm sure you would love to.

I think also though that people who go for the "pull yourself to gether and stop wallowing" school of advice don't mean to be hurtful, they genuinely think that it is good advice, because it works for them when they are feeling down (which is that they think depression is like). If this friend isn't a helpful person to talk to about this, then don't - talk to people who understand what you are going through and who won't make facile remarks.

If he did say it in spite/anger though, then he isn't a very good friend IMO and not someone you need around you when you are already battling depression.

How do you feel about going back on the ADs, if you're feeling bad without them?

[FatFikAndFugly]

No it was coupled iwth a 'fuck off' for good measure because he wanted to chat and I didn't. I'd already told him I wasn't feeling great.

[wurlywurly]

FFF i have never been able to speak to my parents about my depression. My mum believes you just have to put yourself together and get over it. I always pushed things to the back of my mind and thought i'll deal with that later, now many years later i'm a wreck.

Has doc taken you off AD or have you just stopped taking them?? I did this before, stopped taking them and felt awful, its definatly something that you have to take one day at a time.

{{{{hugs}}}}

[funkimummy]

This is a really good site. When my DH decided to get all 'get over yourself and stop wallowing' on me, this stopped him dead in his tracks.

It's got a whole section on how friends and family can be of help, and it basically tells them CATEGORICALLY not to use phrases like 'stop wallowing' 'pull yourself together' 'snap out of it etc.'

Worked wonders, perhaps you could take a look and tell your friend that if you wanted to be verbally punched in the stomach, you would become a contestant on the Weakest Link!

[FatFikAndFugly]

I told him he was a twat and that he'd never know how much it upset me. I also told him that he wasn't the person I thought he was and that I'd never confide in him again. I figure it's his loss, not mine. I was a good friend to him.

I know that he'll suffer more from the loss of me than I will.

GP had talked about me coming off them mid Jan (wanted to get christmas out the wqay) I kept forgetting to take them but on the whole was feeling pretty good so thought bugger it. they won't refer me for councelling anyway so might as well just get on with it.

[Greensleeves]

It is his loss. Silly childish tosser. Lets hope he never has to learn what depression really feels like.

I can understand not wanting to be on ADs forever (I hope I won't be either) but do bear in mind that they are there as an option if things do get too much.

Are you sure they won't refer you for counselling? Do you think counselling would help, if you could have some? I don;t know about where you live, but someone recently gave me a leaflet for a counselling service where I live (Exeter) which only charges what you can afford, as little as £10 per session. Maybe it's worth finding out if anything similar exists where you live? My GP mentioned group therapy, to which I replied that I would sooner have my nipples removed with a blunt spoon

[FatFikAndFugly]

lol lol @ your nipples comment GS.

I feel OK actually, they won't refer me because they believe that it isn't trigger specific and that it is a genuine chemical inbalance that probably runs in the family (They're probably right as I didn't not tell them that it is in my family). I wou;dn't have come off them if I didn't feel I could cope, but I kept forgetting to take them then remembering and I figured that was probaly doing more harm than good anyway.

Thanks for the support.

He's living with a woman he doesn't care about an accidently got her pregnent so he has his years of misery ahead of him. He's in love with someone else but has chosen to stand by her. He'll need a friend soon enough but it won't be me.

[divastrop]

ooooh tell him to tell the pregnant woman to post on mn so we can all chorus 'you deserve better' to her

sorry,thats not constructive i know,i just so hate that 'pull yourself together' attitude.

i dont see why your depression has to be 'trigger-specific' in order for some sort of councelling to be of benefit?i've suffered depression on and off since puberty,although its made worse by pregnancy etc its always been a problem for me and also runs in my family.i've been having councelling for nearly 2 years ,it just helps to offload to somebody outside the situation now and again.

i had group therapy when i was in my late teens.all i remember is sitting there thinking 'what a bunch of a*holes.i must also be an a*hole'