What is wrong with me?! (sorry a bit long)

[iwouldgoouttonight]

I don't know how I'm feeling really - so this will probably be a bit rambling. I posted before about how I feel bored with DP and as though I just can't be bothered to make the effort any more. I had DS five months ago, he was very much wanted and looked forward to, and sometimes everything is fine but other times I just feel kind of numb. I'm not sure whether this is just me adjusting to being a mother but I feel as though I can't be bothered with anything else apart from making sure DS is ok. I'm kind of blocking out the rest of the world and don't seem to care whether DP is ok (I don't even seem to care about the cat! - just pushed her away when she came to try to sit on me - I'd never normally do that).

I was feeling a bit up and down after the birth and spoke to my HV about it, but she said it was normal and I was just upset because of lack of sleep and because I had difficulties with breastfeeding. After that I started to go out to mother and baby groups which got me out of the house and met nice people so I felt much better. But on the days when I don't have anything planned I just see a big empty void before me and just want to cry.

I went to see the doctor about it and he said he didn't think it was PND, just me getting used to a change of lifestyle. So I spoke to HV again and she asked me loads of questions and said she thought I was just bored. Not bored with DS, just bored with the situation, I'm used to being very busy and active and find it frustrating being cooped up at home.

I've spoken to DP about it but he's not especially vocal about feelings and things so didn't help much. I got upset the other day and was sobbing saying how I felt my life has become drudgery - get up, sort out DS, sterilise bottles, do washing, do cleaning, etc. He just listened and didn't even comment! Probably because I've not felt bothered about him he's stopped feeling bothered about me! I can't bear the thought of sex and really feel as though I wouldn't care if we never did it again!

I just don't know how I'm feeling really - I love DS, it took me a while to feel that, but now the feeling gets stronger every day, and I enjoy spending my time with him. I kind of feel torn - sometimes I just want to leave him with someone else while I go out and enjoy myself for a bit, but at the same time I can't bear the thought of leaving him (if that makes sense!) I was expecting this wonderful feeling of being a mum but in reality I just feel not much at all. Hopefully when I go back to work I'll be much better because I'll have more to occupy my mind.

I'm sure people will probably suggest I go back to the doctor to talk about PND - but it makes me cross how crap any doctors I've had are about depression. I have had depression before and had to virtually threaten to jump off a bridge before they would give me ADs. What I think would help would be some kind of counselling but when I've asked the doctor about that I just get put on waiting lists which are at least six months - its dreadful - at a time when you really need someone to listen you have to wait months, by which time god knows what might happen! With my last depression I went to a private counsellor which helped a lot more than ADs, but I can't afford to do that now.

Oh I don't know - sorry about my waffling on - just wanted to get it all off my chest, not sure i'm any clearer about how I'm feeling, but I've stopped crying so that must be a good thing!

[moondog]

Hi Iwould

I think what you have written sums up how a lot of us feel after having had a baby.It's certainly the way I felt.
I don't know anything about PND really but I do know that the things that helped me at a time like this were exercise and structure to my day.

Are you in a biggish place?
There are loads of things for women with babies.Can you find out and attend more of them.

You also are allowed to leave the baby you know! Can your dh have him while you go for a swim or have a sauna or something?
Do you have family nearby to help you out.

Men are crap at offering emotional support I find.The best bet is t orephrase it as a practical problem that needs sorting so make sure that housework is delgated and you book time off.

I used to sooo not believe it myself,but I promise you that your normal life will come back.

[feedmenow]

Hi Iwould, sorry to hear you're feeling crap. When are you due to go back to work? I felt pretty similar to you when I had DD, but I returned to part time work when she was about 5 months and it was a huge relief. I felt like I had the best of both worlds - the fantastic time spent with my beautiful daughter, plus time with adults, (do you remember adult conversation? ) and other things to think and talk about. And if you weren't planning to go back to work for a while, then I agree with moondog that you should plan things for yourself and leave DS with DP or A.N.Other. Don't be hard on yourself, as women in this day and age we do school, college, work and we're just not used to being SAH mums. It comes easy for some and not so easy for others (me definately being one of the latter!) And remember, you may not be able to afford a private counsello but Mumsnet is free

[iwouldgoouttonight]

Thanks for your comments. I'm meeting up with a friend this afternoon so feeling ok today. I do have quite a few things to do - I go running a couple of times a week, go to baby swimming and baby massage groups, and I've met other mothers through them who I see outside of the groups - my mum also lives close by so I can go and see her too. That's why I'm confused about how I'm feeling. Much of my time is filled with doing nice things, but its just the days when I don't have anything to do (its not possible to go out every single day!) I just feel crap. DS is lovely and I enjoy playing with him - he's great now he laughs and interacts much more, but I still find myself wishing the day away - counting down the hours until its his bedtime. Then once he's in bed I just feel bored again!! DP works a lot - so often spends much of the evening working so I just watch telly on my own (and probably think about things too much!)

I've noticed I've become very controlling - I don't trust DP to do things properly - e.g. if he sterilises the bottles I sometimes do it again because I don't trust him to do it properly. And if he offers to bath DS I find myself watching to make sure he's doing it properly so may as well have done it myself! Strangely I don't have this problem if my mum looks after him - I'm quite happy to trust her. DP obviously knows there's something wrong but we're both rubbish at talking about things - I need someone to ask me whats wrong before I'll say and he doesn't ask. I went to bed last night and just ignored him, and he went to work this morning with us only saying a couple of words to each other.

I just feel as though its too much effort to sort out whats going on in my head because I don't understand it. I know I don't feel happy but I don't know how I feel so I don't know where to start sorting it out!

[Tatties]

Oh, I really know how you feel. It took me a long time to adjust after having ds. It is a big shock isn't it? I can identify with all the things you descibe - feeling happy when you're doing something but feeling down when you spend the day at home, not trusting dp to do things properly... It does get better, but my ds is now nearly 2 and I still go through the odd phase of feeling like this.

I think it's a bad time of year too - the dreadful weather restricts you from going out as much as you'd like and it's hard to find enough things to keep you both occupied indoors.

Can you try to talk to dp again about how you are feeling? You really need his support with this. Everything is so much harder when you feel like you're on your own tackling a problem.

[Missingme]

I've just posted a new thread but reading what you say I could have written it. I also have lots of lovely things going on, groups to go to, people to see etc, but I just feel like an angry, emotional, dull person. And I can't see anything but this for the rest of my life. Sex? What's that???!!! And why do other mums always seem to be coping and really happy?