I can't go on like this for much longer trulyawful situation

[ScoobyDooooo]

As some may know we are homeless & living with my mother well we also live with my abusive, aggressive brother who is 22....

Episode tonight i don't think i can ever forgive him for & i HATE him (i dont use this word lightly)

He came in drunk,moody & mouthy saying he wanted a lft down the road, i said why should my do give him a lift with the abuse he gave us this morning, we then carried on to have an almight row with him saying me & p where not happy together (which is a lie because we are) & that we always argue (which we don't we just bicker) anyway he stood infront of my face whilst i was holding my 1 yr old dd shouting "so your the happiest woman alive are ya" so yourthat happy you are smiling everyday" to which i replied yes i am thanks why you jealous? He the said your so unhappy you should send that "northern monkey about dp back to where he came from north!!! i told him not to be so bloody rude & sort his attitude out.

He then decided he would lose it & punched the living room door (this is in front of my 1yr old & also my 4 yr old)

I then shouted at him telling him to get his arse out of the house , mum was shouting at him too, i told his he was a bully & i would never forgive him, by this time we were by the front door him on the step with me inside on the dorstep holding dd still he then punched the front door where he smashed glass everywhere luckily none hit me or dd but it was everywhere, he walked off we me shouting i would never forgive him & i hated him!!

To do all this in front of my kids has devastated me, they are not brought up in violence & ds is now scared....

I have had enough he thinks he is a man he is just a bully, he bullies ds from when he wakes in the morning calling him a dickhead & a faggot!!

I feel so our lives are like this, we are a happy little family just struggling to get a house from the council, i have brought my kids up with manners & not to swear etc i just feel they are learning all the wrong things now..

On top of this i am desperatly depressed with no where to turn, i honestly can not go on like this but what the hell can we do?

[BuffysMum]

so sorry it's bad, had no idea that's why you were so desperate to leave your Mum's. Hugs

Refuge? Will probably be awful place but better than what you are putting up with from him.

[ScoobyDooooo]

Well my mum has chicked him out tongight,not that i think he would dare return because he should be ashamed drunk or not drunk!

I am thinking of going to the council on monday & telling them exactly wha my family is going through do you think they will act is this situation not dangerous & emotionally abusive for my children?

God i feel so sad you know

[ScoobyDooooo]

Oh great loads of support here too

[whoopsfallenoveragain]

{{{hugs}}} It is hard enough living with parents (we did it for 9 months) but to have to put up with your brother the way he is sounds like a nightmare.
I think you should go to the council and tell them you are worried about your children being around him

[kandi]

ScoobyDooby, sorry hun, I'm no expert on the best places to turn, but maybe have a word to your GP. S/he should be able to sort out if you are depressed and might be able to contact with social servies to speed up your own house. x

[Miaou]

Oh ScoobyDoo, just seen this, I really didn't know things were so bad for you just now

Glad to hear your mum has chucked him out, but obviously that might not be a permanent solution. I agree with what you suggest, go to the council on Monday and tell them that you are in physical danger from your brother and see what they can do for you.

Really hope you get sorted out soon - have a big ((((((((((((((((hug)))))))))))), you need it!

[ScoobyDooooo]

Thanks everyone i dont think there is an answer to all this i have fought left right & centre and got nowhere i dont even have the energy anymore my depression is affecting me that much i am on anti d's they used to work but things are that bad they dont help ....

I feel trapped & sufficated

What a crap day & it is dd's 1st birthday today.

[Lizalu]

So sorry you are having a bad time and on dds first birthday

You sound like you've got a great dp and great kids and that you are a fantastic mum. I don't know much about the housing situation but about the depression you could go back to the gps to up the dose. It might just help smooth things a bit for the time being.

Hope things get better quickly.

[CODNoMore]

why dos your mum let him stay?

have you spoken tot he council?

[ScoobyDooooo]

Thanks everyone.

Mum has put up with his bad behaviourer for many yrs because we lost our dad when we were young in a tragic accident & it has affected my brother in a very bad way, she feels sorry for him i think & feels because he has not really had that male figure in his life he has gone to pot, they were very close & he was only 10 when dad died. I think she feels she has had to try & make up for it but it has totally backfired & she has been to hell & back with him now.

I have tried everything with the council, i am going to tell them about this incident & that i can not carry on putting my kids through this, it did take all of dp's will power to not knock my brother out & i am very proud of him because the abuse he got & also what was done in front of our kids was horrible.

Sad thing is ds has gone on about it all night & is now very scared what can i do though apart from cuddle him & reassure him.

I feel so sad, down & lost i know i sound stupid but i am getting to the stage of desperation now

[CODNoMore]

the council must have a departmente fro women affected by vionece.

If oyur kids are living in fear then something need to be done.
Id not go into allt he other circumstances tbh ( depressions and so on) id focus on ONE reason why you need housing

rememebr nuttys cmpaign to get a new house?

[Pruni]

Message withdrawn

[ScoobyDooooo]

Cod you are probably right i am now going to only go down the safety route i thought it was safe but after last night obviously not, i honestly thought he would not do that right in front of my kids but i was wrong he has no respect for anyone & thinks he is the big man when all he is is a coward & a bully.

Pruni sorry to hear you have a brother the same it is awful isn't it? my brother is also
a 6'3 bully but i am not going to be one of
his victims....
We were all brought up in a very well way my dad was a lovely man with many morals my brother defo does no take after him, if my dad could see him now he would be ashamed to say the least

I am going to speak to the council tomorrow because this is just al so unfair on my mum she is 60 next month & does not need this.

COD i remember seeing something about nutty but think it was after can you let me know what sh went through ?

[Budababe]

What a horrible situation to be in Scooby. Hope you manage to get your housing situation sorted out.

But you do need to think long term too. At least your Mum does. She shouldn't have to live with bullying and violence from her son. She needs to have a long hard think about what she does.

Next time he goes off on one I would be tempted to call the police.

[BuffysMum]

Morning! All I can say is get down the drs too about you and your ds get a statement or something about how the situation is detrimental to your health etc. Go to the housing dept every day, speak to the person every day just carry on until they are fed up with you. Is there anyway you can scrape a deposit together to rent privately and then claim housing benefit to help with it?

I'm sure you've thought thru all these things, is it worth revisiting any ideas, is renting from housing association a possible option?

Curse Maggie it's all her fault!

[ScoobyDooooo]

Thanks Buda.

Mum has been thinking fr many years & i think she used to think she could not just tell him to leave forever because she would have failed but she now says she can not go on like this for muh longer & she is beginning to realise no amount of time is going to change him, he now needs to stand on his own 2 feet in the real world he is 22 not 12 anymore.

Mum has gone to work but left a note saying sh wants to talk later so we will see.

I screamed at him i was calling the police picked up the phone & mum stopped me she just wont call the police because i think she is to scared, this is why he probably behaves like this, but i had to listen to my mum because she was close to tears

[ScoobyDooooo]

Hi Buffy thanks i have thought of every escape route but we live in the south east & it is just ridiculous prices we can't move away because of dp's job.

We have been looking into shared ownership which we were going o do until dp's dad talked us out of it & said it was to much money, we could have done it thought but hey ho thats just another debate!

[NbgsYellowFeathers]

This such a sad situation. Your poor family
Is there a reason why your brother behaves like this? Has he always been like it? He sounds like he needs some help of his own too.

I agree with what others have said. Keep pestering the housing depts and keep explaining your situation.

[ScoobyDooooo]

Yes he has been like this what seems like forever since dad died he went down hill he got thrown out of school etc etc he did have councilling for a while but then refused to go, he has been a bit better for the past 2 yrs but seems he has lost the plot again.

Mum has been dow all bad routes with him like, alchol,drugs,fighting you name he has done it, it is a very sad situation.

[BuffysMum]

I agree shared ownersip is far from ideal especially if you don't think you will be able to buy the entire property quickly. I know in Surrey when I rented I got housing benefit even though I worked it was means tested, even though 7 years ago it was £700 for a pokey 2 bed maisonette. They came around agreed that £700 was not over the current rental rate for the 2 bed property and then I got housing benefit towards it.

The council maisonettes around here are £80 per week but they are not nice - I live on the edge of the estate.

[nutcracker]

Oh Scooby, am racking my brains to think of something that I can tell you to do that would help.

Your situation is far worse than mine was, I cannot believe that you and your family are being treated like this.

We (2 adults and 3 kids) were living in a 2 bed, 1st floor flat that was damp and we were living below neighbours who's behaviour kept us awake most nights of the week etc.
The flat was a HA flat which thinking about it, made us in a better position to start with I think as we were already known the them.

We originally went on the list with just overcrowding points. If we'd just stayed with those points we would still be there now.

Eventually I managed to get points for my mental health and dd2's asthma and I also got some points for the state of the property, but only when I threatened to send a pic of the black walls and ruined possessions to the paper.
With regards to the neighbours, I made records of every single thing they did, rang the police every time they got out of hand and then eventually got points for suffering anti social behaviour.

At the end of the day, the council and HA's do not care wether you need rehousing or not and to them you are just a name on a list with a certain number of points next to it.
You need to get as far up the list as you possibly can, get any professional that you can, to write to them and explain how the whole thing is effecting your health and that of your kids and how unsafe you feel.
I think you have already seen an MP haven't you ??

I got letters from my HV, GP, and also a social worker as I was reffered to him for mental health support.

I know it is hard but I really believe that the main thing that helped me in the end was that I rang them every single day and it got to the point where they knew it was me before I had given my name.

I also...

Drove round looking for empty properties, made a note of the date and then rang to see why they were empty. You can garuntee that you will always be told that if they are empty they have already been allocated and thats just not true. I used to ring back about a week later if the property was still empty and demand to know what was going on with it. I twice threatened to go to the newspaper if they didn't tell me the truth about why houses were stood empty for so long.
Basically I was a pain in the ass, but it meant they remembered me.

At the end of the day, if you are joint top with someone else then you need to shout louder than they are.

Oh another thing I did was search for new housing developments being built in any area I would accept, as so many of the houses have to be used for social housing, so I'd find out the name of the company building them and they try and find out the housing association that would be dealing with the them.

I know you are on the council list but what about the housing associations ?? Round here the council nominate you to them and so most of them you can't apply to yourself but I did manage to find a few that would let me apply seperatly.

I know you said you are in the south east but roughly what area are you ?

[nutcracker]

You would get HB if you rented privatly surely ?

[ScoobyDooooo]

Hi nutty

These situations are truly awful arn't they? I have done all you are saying i have kept on & on For months & months now, the trouble is the system does not work by points anymore it works by bidding it is the new scheme they have brought in since septemper this is why i am having so much problem, we are in surrey under woking borough council the way the allocate now is through choice based letting & it works by being in a band & having a priority date which is the date you have been in that abdn since.

I totally disagree with the way it works though because someone like my family who are homeless & living in 1 room in my mothers house are in the same band as someone who is living in a council house but is 1 bedroom deficient, how can that be right?

You said you threatened going to the paper did this work? this is my totally last resort but the way they have treated us is totally wrong. We are sleeping in a room which is damp &hasmould on the walls where the people my mum rents from have not even bothered to come & sort it out, we have someone who is abusive & violent around us & i have bad depression but they still wont help!

I am going to take pictures on my digital camera of the damp room & the smashed front door & the dent in the lounge door from last nights episode so i have proof of it all.

Do you think i should appoach the council see if they do anything if not threaten with the paper?

I have written to everyone about this so has my doctor & hv, mp, housing manager,chief exec of council, local cunciller not alot more i can do now they just fob them off...

[nutcracker]

You said your mum rents, is it private or council ??? If it's council then I would definatly take pics of the damp and all of the damage and threaten them with the papers.

I don't know alot about the choice lettings as they were only just bringing this in when I eventually got moved.
Are you in the top band ?? You must be surely ??

Threatening them with the papers might not actually get you moved, but it will make them take notice and realise that you are not going to keep quiet and wait for them to rehouse other less needy people over you.

When I was on the list for the flat I was in before the house, I was told I was 1st on the list and then they went and gave a flat to someone else. I basically rang up and said that I would be formally complaining as they had just completly disregarded my position on the list and given the flat out to whom they liked. 5 minutes later, I got a call saying that another flat had just (yeah right) became empty and I could have it.

IMO unfortunatly, your banding position makes little difference unless they realise that you will fight for it.

[CODNoMore]

NUtty i think you shoudl eb come a housing officer.
youd be great
can you help scooby out and get her motivated?