Feeling down and bitter

[vizbizz]

It's been 11 months since ds was born and I am still crying far too often. I don't have depression, but I do have PTSD and even counselling is not really helping.

I couldn't wait to be a mum, but the horror of recovery is still with me, and takes away so much of the joy I keep thinking I should be feeling by now. I love my little boy, but I am so unhappy. It is easier than it used to be, but I am still struggling.

Every time I see a new mum with a tiny baby walking like she is just fine, I get so bitter that at 11 months on I still can't walk normally without pain. I can't exercise. I couldn't go back to work, so I have lost my job.

I have decided to start my own business with a hobby I've loved for years. It helps to have something else to think about, but these feelings of bitterness just keep creeping back.

My counsellor tells me I need to forgive the medical profession for the shortcomings that have left me this way...for my own sake. I just don't know how to let this go. It makes me feel like a stroppy, petulant kid that just wants to nurse a grudge. How do I let this go and move forward?

[stoppinattwo]

Oh Vizbizz, Im sorry there isnt much I can say, except Im sorry your feeling this way.

Im not a coucillor and dont have any advise to give. but I have a big to keep you going till someone can give you more support

[vizbizz]

Thanks

I wasn't this angsty and bitter as a teenager!
shakes head at sorry self

[lulumama]

change counsellor

specific meds can help with PTSD

contact either

birth trauma association

or

birth crisis

to discuss and talk about your birth with women who have been there and understand your pain

why do you have to forgive them yet if you are not ready..need to have closure first and it is ok to be angry and bitter..
writing down the birth story , in however much detail you can is usually helpful

there was a thread earlier this week about emergency c.s triggering PND or PTSD... i can assure you , that you are not alone in how you feel.

[stoppinattwo]

Ahh lulu, I knew you'd know

She talks good sense vizbizz

[vizbizz]

Closure with this medical system. Not likely.
They all sit around covering each others ass. Every specialist I have seen (3 to date) all say "it's a good repair" "they did a great job"

Well, if it was so bloody great why does it still hurt? Something must be wrong somewhere. Surely it can't be hurting for no reason?

Dammit, I cry every time I talk (or write) about it.

Actually, the counsellor is good, and she specialises in PTSD...the only one I know of where I live. We both think the PTSD has triggered older issues, and we are trying to work out what they are. I had a very dysfunctional upbringing. Maybe we are just on the wrong track, but don't think so.

[lulumama]

sorry..the way you phrased the last but sounded like you were not getting a lot out of the counselling...

also re closre..that needs to come from within, not the medics, IFYSWIM

don;t know your history...but i really sympathise, it is so hard when a birth, a happy and joyous event , leads to depression and bitterness...people can often find it hard to understand....

i hope that you find some peace soon, and that your new business is a roaring success....

it might be worth perservering with writing about it , through the tears, as you can go into as much detail about it all as you need.,it might take weeks to write, but it is cathartic and should help x

[vizbizz]

Closure...I just don't seem to be able to get there. I just want to move forward.

I have talked about this. I have written about it. It just somehow doesn't seem to help. I seem to just loop and sound like a broken record to myself. All the talking in the world just doesn't seem to get it out.

I have spent so many years not being heard growing up (along with all the other crap), that as an adult I just don't seem to know how to move on without an apology. If I get an apology, it's all ok. It makes me feel daft, but that's the way it seems to be.

I am sick of feeling sorry for myself.
I don't like who I have become. I used to be so bubbly and goofy. Now I am just a crabby cow.

[3andnomore]

Oh, I know where you are coming from, my 3'rd Bith left me hurt, felt raped and just was really traumatic, after all the build up of having that perfect Birth (Homebirth with no intervention, after 2 reasonable straight forward Hossie births)I ende up with an emergency C-section in hte last stage...
and yes, it is difficult to deal with it, and it Does come to haunt you, too, and yes, often people can't understand your feelings because your Baby and you are physically ok.... but it will get easier and don't hate yourself or others, because well, it's just not a cometition!
Hope you feel better soon, it took me a fair while, and ys, the traumatic one is now 2 1/2 and ther are still bad days, but less!

[3andnomore]

Oh, closure can be difficult, because for closure you often need to know more about what happened, and that is often difficult to find out, even with getting your notes!