Tell me I am lucky and to shut the fu*k up!

[TreadmillMom]

Sometimes I just feel so miserable and then I read other threads and think FFS your OH is not that bad get a life and stop bleating.
My mom used to constantly moan about my dad to us and is it possible I have inherited this never satisfied trait?
We have two boys 3.5yrs and 15mths, I work 3 days a week and OH works full time.
We bicker about the same thing and have been since we became a parents, who does the most around here?
My OH does the big things, house and car maintenance, financial revisions, hoovering weekly on average. He has a good job is very ambitious and I am genuinely proud of his achievements.
I do the daily stuff, dishes, cooking, laundry, shopping, general(not thorough)tidying up.
My husband lusts after me and is always physical and we have an adventurous sex life (quality not so much quantity these days) but that is mutual.
He tells me he loves me all the time yet I feel he treats me like rubbish. He is rude to me, sarcastic, he picks at the things I DO NOT do and frequently tells me I do nothing around here, though on an average evening you WIll see him on the sofa or laptop and me in the kitchen doing chores till 9pm. If I ask him to do anything say, carry up the clean washing for me when you are on your way up the stairs he behaves like Kevin The Teenager.
I cannot ask him to do anything for me, empty the machine, take something out the freezer, pass me this, pass me that without a strop whether physical or verbal. It drives me insane. I have tried the I will not ask you to do anything AGAIN route but it is exhausting trying to be superwoman and it is not fair, am I playing into his hands and that is exactly what he really wants.
I call him Charlie Stubbs (Coronation Street)because he is great at the reverse psychology stuff, he does not like it but I say I am only joking (I am only half joking).
If he has a day off, working from home or sick I dare not ask him to do anything, he always throws in my face that I am always bossing him around. I don?t tell him what to do; every request begins with a snively Honey, would you mind? Christs sake, I should not have to use that kind of language with my own husband should I?
I do love him but am no longer in love with him as he makes me feel bad about myself and I secretly cry, at this precise moment I do not want any physical contact, I feel like he is only interested in me for my body. How can he expect to talk to me this way and then expect me to be passionate, I have explained this to him in the past. He was deeply hurt but took the criticism on the chin (temporally).
Weekends are the worst. Before we had children we would lounge around in bed all the time sometimes getting up as late as 3pm. I cannot stay in bed past 7am these days, you are mums you know the score but he has not lost his love affair with his bed and does not get up until around 11am. I NEVER, EVER get a lie in. Recently I was out at a girlfriends party and got in at 4:30am and I still had to get up at 7! I was so upset. As long as the kids are tucked up in bed in the evening I can go out with my friends which is terrific but if he has to look after them on a Saturday or Sunday morning so I can get my hair done or check out the sales he starts a row with me saying stuff like I do not want to be with my own kids or when I get back he will be feeling upset and guilty cos he had lost his patience with the kids and been (in hindsight) too hard on them or smacked them unnecessarily. In 3.5yrs I have been out on a weekend day 3 times and it has always been the same. I will not be leaving the kids with him anymore. Ridiculous huh? I have told him if his love affair with his bed continues I am leaving, it is so unfair getting up knackered week in, week out listening to him blissfully snoring in bed and then shouting at the kids for stomping around or shouting.
Sometimes I think he is a little tough on them but I am old fashioned and I prefer him to be a disciplinarian rather than not.
He did get up for 2 or 3 weekends but is back to the old routine again.
Over Christmas we were off together 10 consecutive days, he got up early once, Christmas Day. I never got a lie in once.
Last night I got DS1 ready for bed and while OH was bathing baby I was putting away about 3 loads worth of laundry. DS2 was crying and OH was saying to him mom will be here in a minute to dress you. I said would you mind dressing him for me cos I am just putting away the washing; you know what he said to me? I was using the washing as an escape clause not to look after the baby! I was aghast, I suggested we swap if that is what he thinks surprise, surprise he said no.
Am I just an ungrateful winger? He plays with the kids solidly, I am allowed to wear what I want and go out any evening, I trust him implicitly, he is a hard worker, supportive to me on a professional level, we have great conversations about all manner of topics, he is funny, sociable, good company and we go out together as a family and as a couple and always have fun.
Tell me I am lucky and to shut the fu*k up!

[whywhy]

Sounds very much like my dp however I have laid down a few ground rules on the sleeping. If he gets to stay in bed one day then so do I. End of. I never stay there longer than 9am but it does him good to have to get out of bed and straight into parent mode and see what it is like the other 6 days for me.

I've sometimes called dp my teenage son and it went down as well as your Charlie Stubbs. I really think some men just don't appreciate the 1001 little jobs there are to do around the house.

So yeah in some ways you are lucky that for the most part your relationship is fine but a few new rules wouldn't go a miss. For example in the evening if I am still doing house work then he can help too. Sometimes he gets stroppy and wants to leave it (and by leaving it he means he will come in from work the next day and it will miracuosly have been done - by me of course!).

Rambling on a bit but basically imo you're right to want a bit more help.

[Mumpbump]

Tell him you need to talk to him and sit down with him to talk it through calmly. Dh and I take it in turns to get up early with ds at the weekend and he will get up early in the week if I am really exhausted. He sounds like he's seriously not pulling his weight and children are a joint responsibility.

PS - regarding being "allowed to wear what I want", I don't think anyone has the right to tell another person, wife or husband, how to dress.

[sunnysideup]

He definitely sounds as if he secretly feels that because he works full time, the house stuff and much of the children stuff should be down to you.
In lots of ways he does sound great. It's good to be able to have a partner who feels lust for you, who you can converse with, who is funny and good company when you go out....so in lots of ways that's all good.

But I think pick your battles and there are two that I think you NEED to win:

If he gets a lie in one day, you get a lie in the next. That has to be non-negotiable, you should simply not allow him to get away with this lazy behaviour. Why would you not get a lie in? Ask him!


I would also tell him that his being rude and sarcastic to you and picking at what you don't do at home is quickly eroding your feelings for him.

I'd tell him that him throwing a temper every time you ask him to even PASS you something, is making you feel unable to respect him which again erodes love and certainly puts the mockers on feeling lust for someone, for most women. What he sees as you 'bossing' him is simply having to get stuff done as part of everyday life and I think maybe it's all part of his trying to 'shirk' this area of his responsibilities....I do wonder if alot of that stems from a feeling that he does ENOUGH because he works 5 days a week to support the family....I think he needs a reality check. When you have a young family working 5 days a week is NOT enough, the house and the kids have demands too......