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Mental health

i feel so alone

6 replies

Lucy81 · 09/01/2007 12:55

i just don't have anyone to talk to apart from dp and dd who is only 10 months. i haven't had a real group of friends in many years, perhaps i'm just totally unlikeable. i'm pretty depressed at the best of times, on ad's and going to group counselling but it doesn't seem to help. i just mess things up for myself, i'm shy and maybe even a bit socially phobic. can't seem to talk to people so i avoid as many social situations as i can. i just feel i can't go on being this lonely and i miss the groups of friends i had in the past who used to get me through the bad times but i alienated all of them a long time ago. i'm 25 now and after i left school i started getting stoned a lot when my then boyfriend, which just messed up my head and made me so paranoid i thought all my friends were bitching and back stabbing which many years on i realise i was just totally wrong about. but its like i can't get over it and move on and meet new people cos of the stuff that happened back then. plus i'm stuck at home with dd most of the time. i just don't want her to turn out like me, i want her to be popular and know loads of local kids as she grows up. what can i do?

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LizaLu · 09/01/2007 13:15

Really, really sorry about the way you are feeling. You are not messing things up for yourself you are coping the best way you can right now and that is all anyone can ask. How can you be totally unlikeable - you had boyfriend when you left school and you have dp now. I think you probably haven't got much confidence or self esteem and that is a totally different thing. Lots of us battle with confidence, anxiety you just can't tell from looking at people but look around at people next time you are in the supermarket or somewhere and I can bet you some of them feel exactly the same as you. You are not alone.

Back then you were smoking weed and I presume you aren't now so things won't stay the same. Slowly, baby steps you can build your confidence back up. Could you do things like go to a swimmimg group that will get you out of the house but you don't have to talk to anyone if you don't want because your busy with dd. Tumble Tots could be good for this. Talking to people on here is a first step. Well done

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wrinklytum · 09/01/2007 13:22

Hi Lucy,sorry you are feeling low at the moment.

Life can often be socially isolating when you are a mum of small children.

I am sure you are a lovely person.It can be very hard meeting new people if you are quite shy.

Do you take the children to any baby/toddler groups?They are not everyones cup of tea and I found it daunting going to the first few sessions but it does get me out of the house with the kids and meeting other mums in the same position.

Are you in a "Sure start" area.Although this is being phased out many groups do activities such as swimming/baby signing,that have kept going despite the scheme being wound down.

Local libraries often have story/play sessions for babies and toddlers too.

I think there is a websites called "Netmums" which is aimed at bringing mums together who live in the local area.

I have found mumsnet invaluable for having a good old moan/rant and useful for advice and support.

Do you manage to get time to have some "You" time so you can maybe get out with dp and remember life before children?This is important ,I think.

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Lucy81 · 09/01/2007 14:31

Thanks, both of you,
i have tried taking her to various baby groups, and i know it's a start, i just end up sort of sitting there not knowing what to say to anyone and then not going back again cos i feel i've let myself down. I know i have to try tho'. Its true, Liza i don't have a lot of confidence, i just feel so painfully aware of myself sometimes. almost like i'm watching from outside the situation and i can see what a fool i look. i spose i just have to keep on getting out there and trying.

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LizaLu · 09/01/2007 14:59

Hi Lucy, I said about confidence because I recognised a lot of what you say in myself. I also smoked weed in late teens but stopped because it made me at best self concious and worst paranoid. When my dd was little I worked 3 days and mil took her to a baby group on one of these days so I used this as my excuse not to go to any but felt like I should be doing something with her. I found swimming middle ground because like I said I didn't have to talk to anyone. I felt anxious the first few times but then ok and evetually you see the same faces and people have a bit of a chat but it never gets too intense because you are after all looking after lo in water. People with babies love talking about babies and makes quite an easy opener. How old is dd what is there name etc. When ds was born I became a stay at home mum and realised I would have to tackle the more sit around and chat baby groups and just told myself I didn't care if I didn't talk to anyone because I was there for ds to socialise not me. Took the pressure off a bit. I don't mean to go on and on about my situation but wanted to show that you are not alone in the way you feel. In the toddler groups I go to nobody ever talks about being stressed or not coping but from being on here I know for sure some of them won't be but put a front on - I know I do.

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Lucy81 · 12/01/2007 16:11

Thanks, sorry didn't get back 2 u, swimming does sound a good idea and i'll definitely try it. it's odd how silly things we do when we're younger impact on us years down the line.. if only we knew then what we know now! Perhaps if i go into situations trying not to care as much if people talk to me it'll take the pressure off and eventually things might get easier.

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Paisleylove · 12/01/2007 20:36

Hiya. I'm a brand new mumsnetter and you're the first person I've contacted - didn't know how people would take me, shy, etc. Good for you for beating me to talk! I'm 34, lovely! You're nine years up on me for courage! Just wanted to say 'reflections'... sounds rubbish... bear with me... when your confidence is low, you lose the ability to see things as they are and what you're seeing in someone else's reaction to you is how YOU feel about yourself. When you think noone is interested because you're not interesting, that's what you'll see. Pretend. God knows it'll nearly kill you!!! If these people at baby groups or whatever don't know you, who cares if you fall on your arse? You don't need to see them again. Honest. I was sooooo embarrassingly bonkers I couldn't leave the house to buy a pack of tampons if my life depended on it. My hair is still stupidly long so noone can see my face (soo attractive in the force nine gales at the mo, as it glues itself via my lipgloss to my forehead...)So I took a job as a sales rep. EXCRUTIATING!!!!! But pretend long enough to people you're not actually friends with and you'll be Little Miss Popular Lovely Mummy because that will happen for you, because of you. I was about 23 when I was feeling like that. Hey! 2 kids down the line & just as I've started to accept I can't change how I look; It's all wandered south anyway!!! Much love & Big Bravery Vibes - Get stuck in XXX

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