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Mental health

How much does my opinion count?

3 replies

flimflam · 10/10/2006 13:42

I'm SAHM to a wonderful 2 yr old. OH goes out to work full time, usual office hours etc. I adore them both.
Recently had crisis of confidence. Not sure who I am anymore - emersing yourself in a 2 yr old's world causes you to end up feeling a bit like a 2 year old yourself. Now, I'm not a 2 year old. I'm a fully grown adult woman but I don't feel very good at what I do. I keep feeling like I need rescuing. I'm having panic attacks every time I go out.
Family are all around the country, none in the town where we live. I have some 'mum' friends and we go to toddler activities but in the last month I even have panic attacks when I go there so we've sort of stopped going.
Dr prescribed beta blockers. Don't really want to go down the pills route. There is a clear emotional problem at work here and as I know what it is I want to eliminate it.
OH won't entertain the idea of moving back to be near my family. It's just not part of his plan but he goes to work full time and talks to adults and is socially ok.
How much should I be able to push to move back or should I just get over it and move on?

OP posts:
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PrettyCandles · 10/10/2006 13:55

You can't just 'get over it and move on'. As you say, your OH has an adult life outside the home and does not/cannot see that you are stifling without one. Is moving house really the solution? It's a very stressful process in any case, and you would still be in the same situation, just with mum/dad/sis nearby. I went through PND living 10mins away from my parents and in the area I had grown up in. Yes, it was good having someone around, but it was not what pulled me through.

I think you've put your finger on exactly the problem - having no apparent identity other than as someone's mum. If you don't want to go down the pills route, fair enough, you don't have to. Just having the prescription there can be a sort of background crutch - you know you can always go and get it filled if you don't manage to turn things around by different means. Nothing second rate in taking pills, that is merely one among many strategies.

First step: tell yourself, remind yourself regularly that your opinions, feelings, attitudes count. So do your needs.

Second step: does your child have any regular daycare? If not, then put him in a nursery for a couple of mornings a week. Those mornings will be sacred 'me-time' for you. Not for catching up on housework or going shopping, but for going to an Adult Education class where you can exercise your mind and talk to others interested in something other than toddlers. Some Adult Ed places also run registered creches for students' children.

Third step: carry a paper bag neatly folded away in your handbag. If you feel a panic attack coming on, stop what you're doing, take the paper bag and hold it over your nose and mouth. Breathe easily in and out inside the bag for a couple of minutes. Panic attacks may be triggered by the mind, but they cause real changes in your body chemistry, which perpetuate the attack. One of those changes causes hyperventilation. Paperbag breathing stops the hyperventilation and can therefore stop or ease the physical symptoms of the panic attack before they get overwhelming.

HTH, and hope also that others will be along soon to give you more support and advice.

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Amaretto · 10/10/2006 14:20

Just want to second PrettyCandles. It can very hard to keep your identity as a woman when you are a SAHM.
TBH, my solution was to go back to work part time. I am working from home so I have a lot of flexibility to fit around my children. (and earn enough money for the childcare of the 2 DC during that time) But Adult education is also a very good one!
Re the pills, don't take them if you don't want to but they might be able to 'ease' a difficult time until you get back completely on your feet. I am sure that being able to go out again to P&T groups will help you not feeling lonely.

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SecondChild · 11/10/2006 14:48

Dear Flimflam, just wanted to say I´m in your situation, no real advice for you, wish I knew what to do myself. I think as my lo gets older things do get a bit better but I still have absolutely no idea about who I am anymore either. Never told anyone I feel like this but have felt it since DD was born. I´m in some kind of limbo land. I think going back to work is a good move - for me this is impossible as I live abroad and there are no opportunities here. All the best to you.

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