Should I have counselling - sorry a bit long!!

[lukenjoesmummy]

My dad died at the end of August after quite a long illness. We had a very turbulent relationship and at times I'm ashamed to admit that I doubted whether I loved him at all, although since he died I realise that I actually loved him more than I knew.

To cut a long story short he was an alcoholic and when I was a child he was very abusive and he left my Mum when i was 17(I'm 36 now). Since then he tried to make up for his behaviour and at times we got on quite well, but never stopped drinking. The last year of his life he got quite heavily into drugs and started mixing with some horrible junkies/alcoholics and so I cut myself off from him and didn't see him at all, which I now feel terribly guilty about.

Not only this, but the day before he died I had an accident and broke both arms, so my df has had to look after me and 2 ds's, and help arrange the funeral while trying to cope with recently losing his best friend. He's lovely and he's been brilliant but he's one of these people that when the pressure gets to him he goes out and gets drunk. Although he's not an alcoholic by any means I've been flying off the handle at him and accusing him of all sorts of things - I think his drinking is triggering my pent up anger towards my dad.

It all came to a head last weekend and df suggested I go to anger management to control my temper, but I don't think that's the problem. Dad dying has opened up a whole can of worms for me but I'm scared that this is just the tip of the iceberg and if I go to a counsellor a whole lot more problems will surface. I've spoken to my Mum and her opinion is that counselling can sometimes do more harm than good, but I don't want my relationship with df to suffer any more as I love him to bits.

Sorry this is a bit of a long ramble but I don't know which way to turn...

[lukenjoesmummy]

I suppose I've always known that there's a lot of stuff buried in my head relating to my childhood, but never had to face up to it till now. I've been hoping it would all bury itself again tbh.

Sorry I'm a bit new to this df was meant to mean fiance not friend and he has been my rock through all this, which is why I don't want to lose him now.

[WigWamBam]

Counselling might help. I haven't had any myself but my sister has, and it eventually did her some good.

I don't think your mum is necessarily right when she says counselling does more harm than good - but what it can do is make things worse before they get better. It can bring all kinds of things to the surface, which then need dealing with. Which is fine if you are ready to deal with them, but is hard if you aren't.

Cruse Bereavement Care are good, they can offer support and counselling specific to bereavement.

[lukenjoesmummy]

Thanks, I think I'll pluck up the courage and go for it. Wish me luck

[momomama]

I just came across this message and without being too evangelical I cannot recommend therapy enough. I found a wonderful therapist and this really turned things round for me. I found it was my safe place each week where i could go and unburden myself and this allowed me to stop the crap in my life/head from messing up my relationships. I feel much stronger, more sure of myself and more forgiving (in my case of my dad and of myself). Good luck

[Channa]

Hi

I just wanted to say that I am seeing a counsellor for PND at the moment and cannot recommend it enough. When talking to herI feel safe and can say anything without feeling judged, I too had feelings about my mum and whether I loved her or not. During the sessions the most random things/events come out and now seem to make sense of a lot of things i've been carring around for ages including stuff that happened when my mum died a few years ago.

Give it a shot, I wish you all the best and hope things get better for you.