i hate my son-i don't really but he is driving me insane

[totallydesperate]

I've changed my nickname because i am ashamed of writing this. My ds is 2.8 and he is driving me wild. I can't do anyhting without him creating havoc in my wake. he will not leave me alone long enough even to do the washing up and is constantly fiddling with the baby, waking her uo , sitting on her, biting her, hitting her with things and jsut being rough. I feel like I am being negliegent because she must cry out of pain several times a day. I was just taking washing out of the tumble drier and popped into the front room for a minute, when I came back he had piled a load of hot washing onto her, all over her face, a few minutes longer and who knowas what wiould have happened, yesterday I was tidying upstairs when he tipped her out of her seat, i was in the same room hanging things up at the time. I am scared of him hurting her and of me hurting him, sometimes i feel absolutely crazed with fury at him and I just wish someone would take him away from me. I don';t even feel much in the way of concern for him when he hurtrs himself at the moment, its usually because he's being disobedient or rough. I just want to be able to do the things i have to do around the house and I mean the bare minimum without being anxious for dd and without worruying he is gpoing to destroy the house.
I am shaking as I write this. He was my life and now i dread days when I am going to be left with him all day- don't say got to the dr cos I've already been. I just want out of my life - it is pure hell

[KellyKrueger1978]

sorry to hear you are having such a hard time. they can be very testign at that age.
does he attend playgroup or nursery? Can you get him into one?
Is he jealous of the baby, could you arrange to have soem time alone with him?

[lazycow]

Ditto you spending more time alone with him. I know that sounds mad now given how you feel (and it is totally understandable) BUT your ds is still very young and having a new sibling is a massive change for him.

The two things you have said that stand out for me are:

'he will not leave me alone long enough even to do the washing up and is constantly fiddling with the baby'

He wants more attention/reassurance from you and when he doesn't get it he gets angry with what he sees as the cause of the loss of attention.

I know it is really difficult but is there any way you could arrange for someone to look after the baby for a bit each week and spend the time with him or at least use the baby's naps to spend time with him rather than the housework.

It won't be forever and you may find that he leaves you alone after a while if you give him the reassurance he is looking for.

[divastrop]

i nkow what ur going through.my ds2 was my little baby boy till dd2 came along,and though i still loved him he was a little ...erm...well,u know hat i mean,with her.i couldnt leave them alone together for 2 seconds.i am lucky i have 2 older kids as well,at least i could go to the loo when they were home from school!one time i had to take dd2 to a+e cos ds2 hit her over the head with a toy and her eye socket was so bruised i thought it was broken.the nurses at a+e made me feel like i'd been neglecting my children,even though it happened in a split second when i turned my back.he also tried to pick her up once and dropped her on her head,when i was in the room but wasnt quick enough to stop him.
i think feeling less concern for an older child when u have a new baby is quite normal,it makes u realise that the older one is not a fragile little baby anymore.
ds2 was 2.5 when i hsd dd2.he was at nursery 2 mornings a week which sure start arranged for me,but i ended up putting him in every day for a couple of hours as he loved it so much.
he is now 3.2 and hasnt hurt the baby in 4 months.he plays with her and cuddles and kisses her,but now shes abit older she soon pushes him away or pulls his hair when shes had enough
all i can say is try and get ur ds into a nursery or playgroup if hes not already,and be confident that this stage WILL pass.

[divastrop]

i would just like to add,i dont think it was a jealousy thing as such,just that he didnt understand she was delicate and couldnt play the sort of games he liked.

[totallydesperate]

divastrop, I agree with you on the last post, on the odd occasion it is jealousy but for the most part it is just boisterousness. He is a bit of a hooligan at the best of times, he often doesn't realise when he hurts adults when playing rough so dd doesn't stand a chance.
I know he needs more time with me, I do try, I'm not exactly Anthea Turner when it comes to housework but there are some things that need to be done to keep Kim and Aggie from the door! The trouble is that through attention seeking bad behaviour he is actually limiting the positive time i have with him. eg after tea tonight dd was playing on the floor & ds was sitting on my knee drinking his juice and eating grapes. All of a sudden he decides to chuck his juice into the grape bowl and all over both of us. Consequently instead of having a nice sit down and cuddle, we spend the next 20 minutes cleaning up the mess and changing clothes, then by the time we are sorted, the baby is fed up of being strapped into her seat and is grizzling to be picked up. I know toddlers aren't the most logical of beings but when they are the engineers of their own downfall its hard to feel anything but frustration.
The above is typical, i try to get the necessary evils done as quickly as possible but invariably as i am tidying in one place, he is making a mess in another. i try to engage him in what I am doing but he just gets bored and plays up, then everything takes longer and longer and the play times between jobs and baby feeds etc get shorter.

[Lact8]

'Engineers of their own downfall' Fantastically put TS!

I completely sympathasise with you. Ds2 was very similar with DD when she was little, took a great big stoen out of the fireplace and hit her on the head when she was only a week old

She is 9 months now and getting her revenge. She crawls around after him all of the time.Plays with his toys. Disturbs his games.

It does get easier with time and easier as the baby become less fragile and a bit sturdier. My dd is hard as nails, doesn't cry when she falls over, traps her fingers etc and I think its all down to DS2 inflicting pain on her during the early months.

But it is so wearing. I too remember dreading being left on my own with them.

Big hugs to you. I would try to make time for just me and DS2 and he would push me away, play up and I did think why am I bothering?

But he has become very loving in the past few months (a first for him) and is also enjoying the company of dd so much more. She thinks he's hilarious and provides a willing audience for his antics (I just hope she's not taking notes or I'll be posting on here in 2 years time that my children are tag teaming me!)

Good luck, you'll get through it.

Are you able to hand them over to DP/DH at the end of the day and have half an hour away from it all? Def helped me get through the day

[moondog]

My ds is 27 months and is also very wearing.

I know where you are coming from.

XX

[chipkid]

my ds was exhausting and infuriating at this age-I still shake when I think of just how mad he used to make me..he is 5 now and utterly adorable, hang in there.

[Pitchounette]

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[Pitchounette]

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[bambi06]

have you got a playpen that you can put your baby in to keep her a little bit more safe..just until shes a bit older and stronger, get him more involved with helping her ,ie can you help mummy get a nappy for baby? pass the clothes etc and then make a big fuss of him and get a sticker chart started when he behaves ..even for a short time.. when hes behaving .say well done you did xyz etc and look you get a special sticker for a special little boy , lots of hugs etc..say well done , your such a big help to mummy and what a lovely big brother you are..they love the praise and makes them feel more important , boosts their self esteem which is probably feeling a bit low at the moment because of baby...i know it can be very tiring but involving him with lots of things will help him deal with his relationship with his sibling... make sure also he has a good run every morning if possible..they have so much energy at this age and need to release them...safely!! remember boys are like springer spaniels..they need lots of exercise..lots of praise but firmness too!!! i heard that somewhere and its very true...i`ve got a very energetic son myself and if he doesnt get exercise he annoys everyone!!

[totallydesperate]

I am trying to figure out where I could put a travel cot, i think i need to do a big overhaul & change the furniture around. I have always tried to include him in whatever I do with her and praised him to the hilt when he does help. he has never been much interested in helping change nappies unless he can get in on the smelly end!
Also bambi you are so right about getting out, part of the problem with yesterday was that I didn't get much sleep and was feeling tired and groggy all day and didn't have the energy to go out, and it was raining. He is so much more maneagable after a run. Today we have all been awake since 5am!!! I did sort out the washing and clean the kitchen before 7 though.
Pitchounette, I only leave them together for very brief spells, like going to get a drink, much longer and she comes with me, she is an active little beggar and hates being strapped in anywhere when she can grub around on the floor.

i think my insomnia is part of the problem, i have been given ads but am not taking them yet as i am having issues with my dr prescribing non bf compatible ones. when i am not fuzzyheaded with tiredness i have much better parenting skills.

[Pitchounette]

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[divastrop]

just like to 2nd what pitchounette said about making a fuss of the baby and giving as liitle attention to ur ds's behaviour as possible.it takes time but my ds2 gradually learnt that it was fun to be nice to his little sister cos he got lots of cuddles and kisses.she also now thinks that everything he does is hilarious(he was the first person to make her laugh)and they have a wonderful relationship.

[Mammina]

So going through the same thing. I bet if I left your message open on the computer, my partner would read it and think that I'd written it.

I totally understand the feeling of guilt - my son didn't hear a raised voice, let fear getting hurt, as a baby, whereas my little girl spends her day mauled by her brother and listening to the yells of her mother. And yet still she smiles.

I keep thinking about those poor women in Jane Austen's time who gave their children away to wet nurses, and only got them back at the age of 2. They missed the best bit and got them back as little buggers!

[Mammina]

I forgot to say - today was hideous but yesterday we had a really good afternoon. He was being a monster, and I was all caught up in shouting at him, so somehow we came upon the plan together to be Pooh and Piglet - and daughter was Roo. Because we can be mean to each other, but Pooh and Piglet are always kind and loving. Totally allowed us both to get out of the pattern we were in.

on another milne note - it does help me a lot to think of him as Tigger. and to remember that i don't really want him to lose his bounce for good - that I take Piglet's point of view, not Rabbit's. (Can you tell what we've been listening to in that car??) Might seem mental, but it does help.

[totallydesperate]

mammina, love your winnie the pooh analogy. My DS is definitely a tigger, I feel a bit eeyoreish atm! It is particularly apt as we have had to watch the start of the tigger movie about a dozen times over the weekend -if you have seen it, he likes the bit where tigger knocks the boulder down the hill and they all end up in the pond.
He has been a lot better in the last couple of days but we have been with my dad a lot of the time as dh is away (again!) and dad is quite happy to look after dd while I have a bit of time with ds, I have also started taking the ads and at least am getting more sleep which helps no end. I think I had forgotten how to enjoy him then last night we were watching "strictly come dancing" and he wanted me to dance with him, we laughed so much it made me remember that he is essentially a lovely, loving little boy, not some out of control hooligan. I want him to stay that way!