drowning

[wheatbag]

sorry in advance for long posting

Am currently awaiting arrival of no. 2. DD is 2 1/2. Usually work full time in demanding job, job security very shaky at the minute due to circumstances beyond my control - I have a job till next summer, beyond that not sure, have to apply for new job in Dec/Jan.
DH also in related job, again his job security not great, applying for new posts with longer term security at present. Works long hours and frequent weekends/nights.
Have been off work since August awaiting new arrival. DD at home with me most days, at nursery 2 days per week as will be going back full time next year and didn't want her to get out of the swing of it/lose friends. Fab nursery, cousins also attend, baby will be going there.
Have biggish house and 2 dogs to look after also.
Past couple of weeks just feel like I am drowning a lot of the time. Getting really really irritable and crabby, sick of doing everything, sick of house permanently being a mess, sick of DH, sick of DD, sick of dogs, sick of being PG and unable to tie my bloody shoes, generally utterly useless and crap mother...and so on...
Often have a good day/good morning etc where all fine, then like this afternoon I'll try to do something really simple like take the dogs and toddler for a walk (have to take them out at least once a day) and I will want to murder all of them. The dogs cause they are pulling on their leads and want to run off and play in the woods, the DD cos she is beetling behind looking for leaves etc (generally being really cute and lovely and I just want to scream 'hurry up...'
Got back in the car and felt so angry and panicky and stressed. Then got home, she is now happily glueing and cutting stuff in the kitchen and her mummy is feeling anxious and stressed out.
Felt like this after DD was born for a long time, looking back ?PND, got better eventually on its own. Feel a bit like have baby blues without the baby.
Don't feel like can talk to DH about this - have tried before and it just makes me feel more of a failure - he is very supportive and says 'just tell me what I can do etc., phones to see if I'm ok etc etc' but in reality he needs to be doing all the work stuff at the minute and is already working bloody hard at work. And I should be able to cope with simple day to day living without falling to pieces. God, I only have one child at the minute and can't even cope with her. How am I going to cope with two, and apply for jobs like I will have to in December? And go back to work in Feb full time? No other options re work other than not working, and being a SAHM really isn't appealing to me at the minute.
At the end of my tether. Don't want to go to GP. Don't want to talk to DH. What do I do???

[giddy1]

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[giddy1]

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[wheatbag]

thanks giddy1. Baby was due 3 days ago...
don't feel particularly nurturing, in fact feel pretty darned crappy...
will go and watch the mess being created in my kitchen now...

[giddy1]

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[mistypeaks]

I felt the same way when I was expecting dd2. You will cope because you have to really and because you are a great mom. It will be easier without the pg hormones, water retention, weight etc. I'm not gonna lie and say its easy - it really isn't one toddler and 1 baby. But really when is anything worthwhile easy? Trust me when your toddler gives baby a very soggy kiss your heart will melt and everything will be worth it. All I can say is you need to be really organised - changing kits upstairs and downstairs. meals frozen and ready to go. You know the score.
Enjoy it and don't try to be perfect - the only perfect things are created by machines and you are not a machine and neither are children - that's what makes them so great.
btw - can someone else have the dogs for the 1st couple of weeks after baby - that's one trauma/job you don't need (imho)
good luck xxx

[Pitchounette]

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[wheatbag]

I'm hoping it will get better after the birth but anxious that it will get worse. Am worried about feeling like I did last time with no one to turn to - HV/MW turned a blind eye to how I was feeling.
Big part of problem is that am so desperate for baby to actually appear - was induced last time and would rather avoid it this time, but DD was very big, difficult labour, big episiotomy and subsequent problems and am thinking this baby is likely to be even bigger...am seeing consultant next week so will beg to be induced if haven't gone into labour by then. MW wouldn't do a sweep or even see me this week which I am really pissed off about cos last time I had a membrane sweep that definitely helped speed things up and only needed to have waters broken. Am terrified something will go wrong either before/during labour...
DD is creating havoc, has just emptied a pot of PVA all over kitchen table, really need to go and clean!