I lost a baby three months ago and I am pregnant again

[jennymcb]

Hi all...

Just wanted to share something with u all..

I never wanted children, I was always of the opinion that it was something I would never do. However I got pregnant back in March quite by accident and found out on the first scan that there was a problem with our child. Our child had exomphalos. As a result we had to terminate at 18 weeks.

This left me with some terrible feelings. A lot of which I couldn't understand because I was so sure throughout my life that I never wanted a child.

I have now become pregnant again and I have so many mixed feelings sometimes I feel like I'm losing my mind.

I am terrified of pregnancy anyhow, how will I cope with all the body changes. I am also terrified that there will be something wrong with this child also but I have two months to wait for the first scan.

I feel so unhappy and sick with worry one minute and strong up to a point the next.

Its affecting my relationship. I want my partner to think I am strong and yet I feel so weak and I'm not discussing it with him which is so stupid, I know that.

Has anyone else gone through a similar situation.

I'd love to hear from you.

Jennymcb

[KristinaM]

Hi Jenny, i havent been in your situation but just wanted to say congratulations on your pg. i DO think its normal to have mixed feelings and be terrified about how you will cope with teh pg and birth. I have three kids and TBH i hate all teh pg and birth stuff - I only like having the children!

Its also normal to be woried about the baby - much more so when you have been though the loss of a baby alreday. You wont stop worrying til the baby is born. And then you will worry about them for the rest of your life!!!!

[foundintranslation]

I'm very sorry for your loss Jenny, and congratulations on your new pregnancy.

I have never been in quite this situation, but I have had three early miscarriages - one three months before conceiving my son (who is now 16 months) and two just recently, in two consecutive cycles. I remember well the feelings I had after getting the positive test with ds - we had been trying since the miscarriage and longing to be pregnant again, but when the test came up +ve I was more scared and frightened (of another mc) than anything else, and it took several days for me to be properly happy. And even after that it was really weeks and weeks of worry.

You will cope with the bodily and hormonal changes of pregnancy - IME it happens gradually enough for you to be able to adjust to it. (But then I suffered from virtually no symptoms such as sickness etc., so I might be the wrong person to advise on this!).

Nobody can take the worry away from you that there might be something wrong with this baby, but might it make sense for you to go and see the specialist/s who you saw with your previous pregnancy and talk to them about your worries? They might be able to reassure you.

The worry and the waiting for scans is unbelievably hard, but you can try and make it easier on yourself. Get plenty of sleep and be as good to yourself as you can. And do talk to your partner - I'm sure he wouldn't want you to be being strong 'for him', but to be able to get your feelings out into the open. Possibly he's scared too.

Wishing you all the very best with this pregnancy.

[jennymcb]

Wow, Im ammazed someone replied so quick! Thank you guys.

I think things have just been too much for me, with the baby and also both parents were in hospital when all this was going on, one in intensive care and who we nearly lost a few time.

I think my mind is just on all the bad stuff in life and not concentrating on the good stuff?

Regards..

jennymcb

[KristinaM]

jenny, when i was saying that your feelings were normal, I wanst trying to minimise them. i just mean that many women feel like that to some extent so will understand what its like. Like FIT has good pregnancies so she doent underatdn about feeling cr*p all the time but she DOES understand about worrying all the time.

Have you joined a MN antenatal club? They are great places to moan , worry and obsess about all pregnancy stuff

[foundintranslation]

In/after such a traumatic time it's not easy to concentrate on the good stuff. Grieving is necessary.

But it is certainly not a bad idea to try and approach this pregnancy with an optimistic attitude - which you should support by seeking reassurance from people who are able reassure you, e.g. doctors.

[jennymcb]

I know you weren't trying to minimise them, thank you for your words.

I haven't gone to antenatal club yet. Only found out I was pregnant again three days ago. I am going to counselling though, fourth session next week, which I started because of panic attacks and feeling low. I was thinking of going doctor and asking for ad's but now that i am pregnant i suppose that option is out the window and I'll probably just have to rely on counselling. I have been on ad's twice in the last five years and they did do wonders for feeling low and panic attacks.

The moments of happiness are getting greater I think, trying to stay positive but its really tiring trying to keep 'happy' thoughts all the time if that makes any sense at all.

gosh, depression, wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy!

jennymcb

[KristinaM]

sorry I'm not an expert on depresion...but I dont understand why you have to be happy all teh time???? i moaned my face off the whole time i was pg. Especially on the " due in November" thread

look here june 2007

they are ambivalent, scared, moaning, depressed, elated...just like you!!!! soon you will be all puking together

Cant you take AD when you are PG? Have you checked with your GP?

[twocatsonthebed]

Jennymcb, it sounds as though you've got an awful lot on your plate right now, and all mixed together so that it's hard to know where to start.

You'd have every right to be worried after what you'd been through with the first pregnancy alone - I had a missed miscarriage, and then got pregnant, and have found it unbelievably hard to relax into the pregnancy and believe that this one would be alright - so I think a lot of the worry is entirely normal at this stage, and it will get better as the pregnancy goes along. And if you want to see worry in action, come and have a look a the pregnancy after miscarriage thread - almost everyone on it has been through the same thing.

But on top of that you're having to deal with your own feelings about pregnancy and children. I'm really glad you're going to counselling, as I think it's the best thing you can do at the moment. (I didn't think I'd ever want children, having had a rather difficult childhood, but changed my mind after a course of counselling). But do ask your doctor about ADs as well - there are certainly some that can be taken during breastfeeding, don't know about pregnancy.

And what doesn't help either is that the first three months of pregnancy are a real hormonal rollercoaster - for me it was twenty times worse than PMT, and I shouted at DH, stormed out of the office, all sorts. But this does get better. But I would second the advice to look after yourself - anything you can do in the way of massage, facials, relaxation will really help you feel a bit better.

And if you can talk to your partner, I think it would be a relief, but only when you feel ready.

[divastrop]

there are a few threads on here about taking ad's in pg,it is certainly an option if need be.
i never particlarly wanted children either,the thought just didnt appeal to me.now i have 4 and no.5 is due in march.
i would recomend joining an ante-natl club thread as well,it helps so much knowing ur not the only one who is worrying etc!

[jennymcb]

Thank you all for your words and help

Jennymcb