Having a really hard day today.

[Marls001]

Had DS2 Sept. 3rd. Will wait until 2 months out to take antidepressants I've been given (have been told hormones will be around until then). Went on antidepressants after DS1. This time my Mom, MIL and DH have all bent over backward to help me and I haven't even done a single night shift. I didn't BF either, as knew wouldn't be able to take the heartache and headache that caused last time.

Not BF doesn't make me feel inadequate and I don't regret it. What I do regret and what DOES make me feel inadequate is the way I'm feeling again. Crying as typing. Can't say I love DS2.

Not surprising; really didn't "fall in love" with DS1 until he was about 3 months/4 months. (Has been great with him ever since.) No, I don't love DS2 and I hate that. Feel a sense of duty, yes. Would never get to the point of harming him. Have moments of warmth, definitely. But when people ask "did you ever think you could love something so much?" I hate that question. Duh; I loved DH that much before we had children, and remain as in love with him. But a newborn? I don't even know him yet.

Feel I need to talk to someone who's been here before. I know it's only a matter of time again, and I'll feel fine. Today has just been a hard one.

[wrinklytum]

So sorry you are feeling low.Im afraid Im not much help as lucky to not have had PND.All I can say is you have only recently given birth which is a massive upheaval in itself.Dont beat yourself up about your feelings at the mo.Not everyone has that instant bonding thing.My mum still talks about how she feels guilty she didnt bond with me (I was very prem) but I still love her to bits and vice versa!Im sure you will bond with no 2 in time.I also think going from 1-2 children is the hardest thing as well.Im sure in time you will find that you bond with him.My good friend had PND and said it took 9 months for her to really relate to her ds.Look after yourself,sorry I cant be more help but sure you will get some good advice from this site and moral support if you are having a bad day

[mumof3teens]

Sorry you are feeling so bad. I suffered from PND after my DS1 was born (19 years ago). It really came to a head about 3 months after he was born. We had some friends about to visit for the afternoon and I could not face it. I couldnt be bothered to get dressed . Everything seemed pointless. People used to say "what a lovely baby" and I really couldn't see it at all. I really felt indifferent to him.I cried all the time and felt as though I was going mad. I wouldnt accept that this was an illness. The GP who diagnosed me just said "you have PND" and prescribed ADs. My DH wouldnt accept that nothing else could be done and he took me to another practice. This was a completely different experience. I met with a lovely Indian DR who told me that I was lonely (gave up full time work to have DS1). He told me that if ever I needed a chat, to arrange the last appointment of surgery and I could spend as much time as I wanted. He arranged for a psychiatric nurse (male) to visit me twice a week. This really bothered me, as I was convinced I was going to be taken away at any time. The nurse tried his best, but I would have preferred talking to someone who had been through what I was going through and had come out the other side. He suggested going to a local leisure centre for eg - I couldnt summon up enough energy to walk into the next room, let alone get a baby ready and sort myself out getting to the centre. I began to do Yoga and bought a relaxation tape. I made myself go out for walks and to a toddler group. Things gradually started to get better after DS1 was about 6 or 7 months old. I would have days where I wake up not dreading the day. Somehow it felt worse as friends and family kept asking me why I was depressed, as I apparently had no reason to feel that way - healthy DS, DH who loved me, nice house etc etc. I began to do some freelance work and MIL had DS1 for a day a week. I gradually began to get my confidence back - at one point I couldn't even make phone calls. I was dreading the same thing happening with DS2 & DS3, but fortunately it didn't. I had started going to an NCT group before DS2 was born and made sure I carried on after the birth. I was put in touch with someone who had been through PND and this helped enormously. I in turn supported a mother who was going through it. I am sorry for the long post, but I want you to know you really will get better, and that I know just how you are feeling. DS1 and I now have a fantastic relationship and I love him dearly. As you say, you need to build up a relationship with your DS.

[Marls001]

Hi Wrinklytum and mumof3teens and thanks for being there and answering ...

I just felt like I wanted to die yesterday. I?m accustomed to being strong - both mentally and physically. So this mental incapacity has me frightened. The only other time I've had this was after DS1's birth. I went on ADs at 3 months postpartum then. Almost as soon as I was on them everything was better. Sailed through the rest of his babyhood and up 'til now. Was only on them 6 months (the minimum time). Was hoping to wait until after 2 months this time and then decide whether I needed ADs again.

Mumof3teens, thanks so much for your story. You may have helped me decide. I feel I can't afford to wait for these feelings to gradually taper off at 6 or 7 months. (Was unsure how long they may last, as was on ADs last time at 3 months.) Every time DS2 cries I feel angry, helpless and sad. I don?t like feeding him (even FF) since he seems to be making it so difficult. Rationally I know that?s ridiculous.

I still feel guilty - like your mom, wrinklytum - that I didn't bond with DS1. Very guilty. I want to bond with DS2 this time ASAP. I don't feel it will happen while I'm reacting to his crying and feeding this way. Will wait until mid-next week to fill prescription and see then. Again thanks.

[hunkermunker]

Oh sweetheart, you're not well. Why deny yourself ADs when you know they'll help? You wouldn't deny yourself a plaster cast if you'd broken your leg.

Fill the prescription tomorrow and by mid next week, you will maybe feel a bit better x x x

[mumof3teens]

I really agree with hunkermunker. As the ADs had such a positive effect on you last time, it really makes sense to start them if you are beginning to feel that way again. If I had thought that I could feel so much better straight away, I would definitely have taken ADs. You really don't want to lose that time with DS2. I really wish you all the best and please let us know how you are doing.

[Marls001]

Thanks again mumof3teens, and hunkermunker. Do have prescription ... if these feelings continue, will start this week.

[hunkermunker]

How are you today, Marls?

[Marls001]

Wow; thanks for asking! I have been so much better ... still went to get prescription filled today; if I have another low like Saturday's I will begin taking ADs. I only plan to be on them for 6 months, then wean myself off. That should be long enough to get me through this newborn period. We have two sons now and our family is complete, so this is the last time that I should have to deal with this! Thank you so much for supporting me.

[mumof3teens]

Glad you are feeling better Marls001. At least like you say, you can take the ADs if you don't feel so good, but it sounds like you are getting better already.