Long term therapy - time to end, but feel sad / scared

[MajesticWhine]

I have been seeing my therapist for 2 1/2 years. Yeah, I know, very indulgent and first world problem etc. I feel a bit scared in case it's the wrong decision. I love my therapist to bits and don’t want to face up to the sadness of leaving her. But I do think maybe the time is right. Anyone else been through this? Can you offer any wise words?

[SilverStars]

Hi I ended longer term private therapist. It was right for me as it had become a crutch rather than a tool to help me manage my life/choices/issues myself. I ended up wanting to see my therapist instead of being able to manage things myself. It is painful ending it - I reduced my final sessions so they were not weekly which helped ( every two weeks etc) and had a few sessions about ending. It helped to know that it was not about "recovery" but about having being a useful tool to help me and that I had got out of it what I wanted. When I started it the therapist asked what my aims of therapy were and regularly checked these etc.

It is an unusual relationship - as are paying for someone's undivided attention and it took a whole to accept when I was not paying them there was no contact ( it is not a friendship), and that was it. But they are highly trained and supervised to manage their own endings - which helped.

[MajesticWhine]

Yes, I think it's good to think about aims of therapy and see that these have been addressed. In my case I think they have. Have got one particular issue that is causing me a problem and is unresolved, but I am not finding therapy is helping with that. I wish my therapist would agree to tapering off eg, once a fortnight, once a month etc. It might make it easier for me. I don't think she is keen on this, but I will ask again.

[temporaryusername]

I haven't been through this but someone I know has. She was able to book in a 'review' for every 6 months so that she didn't feel completely 'turned loose' iykwim. Also tapering sounds like an option if she'll consider it. I'm glad you've found her helpful .

[CaulkheadUpNorth]

I've been seeing my therapist almost three years. We've talked about tapering at the end. I think what you're doing is incredibly brave. Do you feel ready, even if you don't want it to happen?

[MajesticWhine]

Thanks for replies. Will float the idea of a review as well. It doesn't feel brave at all to be honest, because I am finding it so difficult to make this decision. I am worried it is becoming like an expensive chat more than therapy, I have less stuff that I want to work on, and that feels wrong. But also part of me doesn't want to stop in case life gets really stressful again. If I still feel like this next week, then I'm going to bite the bullet.

[CaulkheadUpNorth]

Have you both come to the agreement of stopping? I've found there are times when things have been ok and ive thought about stopping but I trust my therapist when she tells me up hang in there for a bit longer.

[MajesticWhine]

No not really agreed on it, we've talked about it a bit, she knows I've been considering it, she also knows I'm afraid to finish, but I haven't actually said ok now I'm ready, let's set a date. I don't think she will try and talk me out of it. But we will need to discuss in detail the reasons to make sure they are the right reasons. Because sometimes I feel guilty for being in therapy for wasting money or being self-indulgent, and that is not a good rationale for ending.

[SilverStars]

If you stayed in therapy can you identify:
What areas you have not covered in your previous months/yrs in therapy
What goals you set yourself that have not been met
Of those aims not met is it because they cannot be ( ie life is tough and not everything can be sorted/dealt with/changed etc) or because the therapist not done that work yet or you avoided it or the therapist does not have skills for that area

If it is becoming more of an emotional crutch/space to think/someone to chat to - do you need this? Is it ethical of a therapist to work with someone when it is not needed ( some therapists will happily see people until they retire, others stop when they think goals met etc - all vary)
How else can you get those needs met if cannot manage without?

Sorry just thinking aloud. Feel free to ignore!

[MajesticWhine]

SilverStars - it is extremely helpful to be able to talk this through online. I will think about your points.

[MajesticWhine]

Thinking aloud myself, in response to some of your questions.

• What goals you set yourself that have not been met:
  I could set further goals in the interests of self-improvement, but not really anything very pressing.
  
• What areas you have not covered in your previous months/yrs in therapy:
  Main outstanding area that bothers me is to do with poor motivation to sort out a work/career related problem, but I think if 2 1/2 years of therapy hasn't helped much with this yet, then it isn't likely to. I don't know why, I guess therapy cannot fix everything.
  
• If it is becoming more of an emotional crutch/space to think/someone to chat to - do you need this?
  Yes, definitely, it has become an expensive chat, and although it feels like a wrench, no, I don't actually need it, I think I do have other sources of support.
  
• Is it ethical of a therapist to work with someone when it is not needed ?
  I think this is can be a ethical problem with long term therapy - most therapists will think it is up to the client to decide when to end, so they have to somehow sort out the problem of their dependency. And therapists are in a difficult position, because if they suggest or encourage an ending, some clients may perceive this as rejecting or abandoning. "she can't put up with me any more, she wants to get rid of me". Especially if you have experienced abandonment in the past, or had bad endings in your life.