Not sure i want to do this...

[Katkins1]

I'm just not sure that I want to do this anymore. I'm getting over a psychotic episode, still have some psychosis, but every day is torture. I'm deeply depressed, my meds aren't working, it's horrendous. I'm a single mum to one dd,6. Everything is spiralling out of control and I just don't know what to do any more. Can't believe I'm even writing this, it doesn't feel like me.

[fluffydressinggown]

Oh Katkins I am sorry things are so tough for you.

Have you had a chance to speak to your CPN about your meds yet? I know last time I posted on your thread we chatted about anti-psychotics. I don't mean to go on about it but I do think they could make a big difference to you.

Can you contact the crisis team if you need support today? Is there anyone in RL you can chat to, or the Samaritans.

It took me a good year to get over my psychosis, I know how hard things are but you can and will get through this.

[Elllimam]

I'm so sorry things are so bad just now. Would you like to talk about it? Xxxx

[Katkins1]

I haven't seen my CPN for two weeks, Fluffy. I did phone the clinic, but they didn't arrange anything. I spent last night looking up ways to commit suicide, because I feel so low with the voices and stuff (not all of the time, but I still have psychosis going on sometimes). I keep getting thoughts like I want to die because of the pain, and because of how I'm feeling about myself and my own worth and everything else.

I've been making plans when I was walking around today, too. I just don't want to be that mad, fat person that hears voices and thinks horrible things about others. It's so intrusive, it's like when I'm not even thinking about it, it creeps up on me. I'm so tired, just want to sleep.

[fluffydressinggown]

I think you need to ring the clinic again tomorrow and ask to speak to someone ASAP. If you cannot keep yourself safe you should ring crisis/attend A&E to see crisis

You will not be psychotic forever, I know how incredibly hard it is, I used to be so so fed up with myself, but it does get better. Please don't feel like this isn't fixable because it absolutely is.

You have been (and are) going through so much it is understandable that you are depressed and worried. Is there anyone in RL you can contact for some support or even just for a little chat? Be kind to yourself, watch TV, eat nice food, wrap up in a blanket. I know that sounds cheesy but it can help.

[Katkins1]

My CpN is meant to visit on Thursday. I'm not in any danger because I'm not psycotic and DD is here so I wouldn't do anything to myself to let her find me (am single Mum).

I'm too ashamed to speak to anyone in RL, though I have lots of friends.

[LastingLight]

(((HUGS)))

[temporaryusername]

((Katkins))

Good advice from Fluffy.

Do you think there is one of your friends that could trust to be sensitive with this? You have no need to be ashamed at all, you really don't. You should be proud because you've really had so much to deal with and done so well.

[fluffydressinggown]

Thursday is not far away, I would definitely ask for a medication review because it sounds like you are still experiencing some psychotic symptoms.

I am glad you are able to keep yourself safe, that is such a positive thing :) You have come so so far from being so unwell, I know it is hard to be kind to yourself but please try and acknowledge how much of a recovery you have made so far. It does take time to get back to how you were, and honestly I do feel changed having been so unwell, but you can get back to a time where you are happy and functioning.

I have been surprised at how understanding people have been about my MH issues, I have been really very poorly and honestly nobody has judged me. I think if you could tell a trusted friend (and you don't have to mention psychosis - you can refer to depression or anxiety) it might be a weight off your shoulders.

Take care xx

[Katkins1]

I don't feel as though I've made much progress;just slipped from one thing to another. I feel as though no one really gets how unwell I have been, or how hard it is having 24/7 responsibility for a child on my own. Everyone else seems to be in happy families, thin and brilliant at everything can hold jobs down and do anything they want. I can't even get up in the morning, and I've had enough of it now. Sometimes I just think I'll sit and wait until I die. I already l dead, so that seems like the next thing. No one syntactic listen, or wants anything to do with me. Everyone's fed up of me moaning and I'm not allowed to open my mouth anymore to speak. Even if I did, the words wouldn't come out. No one wants to know.

[LastingLight]

Oh Katkins1. You have achieved so much this year, you were convinced you weren't going to get that degree and you ended up doing brilliantly. There are lots of people out there who are overweight, some kind of crazy, unemployed and / or deprived in some way. You are NOT alone. Hang in there until Thursday and then be very honest with your CPN. Make a plan to get you through tomorrow. What are you going to do at 8? (Give dd breakfast, get us dressed), at 9 (put load of laundry on), at 10 (take dd for a walk to the corner shop, buy small treat). You can do this. Believe in yourself, you're a fighter and you can get through this.

[fluffydressinggown]

You have made progress, you have mentioned a few times that you are less psychotic, you are looking after your daughter and you are getting through each day even though things are tough. That is worth celebrating even though you don't feel like it.

Your CPN is there to listen to you, I really do think you need a review of some kind. And I bet all the people you think are having these perfect lives aren't, what something looks like on the outside is not what it looks like on the inside.

I don't know if this will make you feel better, but after my psychosis it took me a year to get back into work, I can only manage working p/t, I take anti-depressants and anti-psychotics every day, and sometimes things are hard. But I am so far from how ill I was. You are not alone in this, I have been there and in some ways I am going through it still, you are not alone.

One of my friends said to me that sometimes you play a really active part in your life and sometimes you have to sit by as it takes place, and I think when you are in a bad way that sitting by and watching it go past can be the best thing to do.

xx

[Katkins1]

I don't feel as though I've made any progress at all, and that everyone is absolutely sick of me, sick of my existence and constant moaning. I'm sick of myself, can't even stand my own thoughts anymore.

[LastingLight]

You are ill. These feelings are your illness talking, it's not reality. Hang in there, for yourself and your dd. You will get through this and out the other side.

[LEMmingaround]

(((((Katkins))))))

[LEMmingaround]

Come on honey. You have done so so well xx

[MyGastIsFlabbered]

You're still here, looking after your daughter, that's a huge achievement in itself. Try and hang in there until your meeting with your CPN & post here as much as you need to.

[fluffydressinggown]

I am not sick of you :) Keep talking here if it helps. You are doing well even if you can't see it.

[Katkins1]

Thank you. It is just disheartening that I've not seen a cpn this week as I was meant to, and that when I phoned the clinic, they basically ignored me. I don't even know what caused my psychosis. They just called it a psycho tic episode and that was that. I don't really feel as though they can be bothered. Our social worker was meant to get family support in place too. Dd came back almost a month ago, and I've seen her perhaps twice in that time, once with the cpn. I've just been left to my own devices, with no real help whatsoever. I don't even want to talk to them in case dd gets taken away.

[fluffydressinggown]

My psychosis was stress induced, basically I get to a point where I am so stressed that my brain goes funny and I develop strange thinkings (in my case I was delusional). Would that fit for you?

I am sorry you feel let down, I hope your CPN can support you on Thursday.

[temporaryusername]

Getting through the day and looking after your dd is a huge achievement feeling the way you do. It is frustrating when your efforts don't bring you enjoyment but you're still doing big things. I think things will improve a lot, it sounds as though things are still a bit up in the air with your diagnosis and treatment. Social worker should really get that support in place, I feel annoyed on your behalf that she hasn't. I just said things three times in two sentences, I really should up my blood sugar. I can't edit it because I can't think of another way!!

I don't blame you for feeling let down and I hope they up their game with the help you're getting. The friends who had your dd - are they around at all? I'm assuming they know at least some of all this already so perhaps you could talk to them. Do keep talking to us, I don't 'know' you but it is clear you're very intelligent, brave and kind.

[Katkins1]

Fluffy, I think it was partly stress, partly beravementin Janurary,and partly genetic (My Mum has a psychotic illness, I've not seen her since I was little). I had really severe depression beforehand, then started to hear voices (in April). I was finishing my degree around then, too. By the end of May I was seeing things, odd thinking related to my voices and hearing things. It was really severe- I had hallucinations that weren't tied into anything, and then other things that were tied into delusions.

I still have both hallucinations and delusions. My friends are away in another Country for a while now (back in a couple of weeks, I think). I don't really want to talk to them, or anyone, really about it though.

[Katkins1]

Oh, forgot to say, fluffy I think I do have some delusions. Things like I'm convinced I smell of cat pee, am really fat (I'm a size 14/16) and just very odd ways of thinking about myself and others: I don't know if these are delusions or depression, though.

[fluffydressinggown]

I understand not wanting to talk about it, I still feel embarrassed about it all. But you can talk on here and be supported if you need it.

Do you have a diagnosis of depression or anything?

[Katkins1]

I don't have any diagnosis. My GP and CPN all said depression, but for now are leaving it at a 'psychotic episode'. I don't even know how to get diagnosed, or how they do it- or anything really.

[fluffydressinggown]

I am sure none of those things you think about yourself are true, I think having MH problems can lead to low self esteem which is maybe why you feel so negative about yourself. I think the line between being psychotic and being depressed or anxious is very thin so it could be a bit of both with you.

My delusions involved me thinking the TV and radio were sending me messages and I could not be persuaded otherwise! But with the right medication and support it has stopped, and it will stop for you as well.