Convinced of loneliness in old age/late middle age

[monkeytree]

Have posted before regarding age gap between myself and dh - 15 years - I am 40, dh 55. I have two dd's 8 and 1. Scared of being alone in later years for longer than average. Also feeling guilty that dd's have an older dad even though he is great with them - spends time etc. already plotting to move in with eldest dd and know this is totally unfair. Lady next door was widdowed mid 60's and seems to spend the majority of her time alone - has 3 dcs but two of them live away. She says she has to go out every few days to stop herself going crazy! I am fairly gregarious and seem to need company. Now completely anxious and need to somehow come back to the here and now. I remember my grandmother crying and saying how lonely she felt following the death of my grandfather and this has always stuck in my mind. Will be taking ads soon as anxiety has got really bad. Wish I could stop dwelling on lady next door and my own impending predicament.

[GaryShitpeas]

Aww op (((hugs))))

Sounds like you might have a bit of anxiety as you keep focusing on this one thing

I'm not saying you're wrong to worry as I too have an older dh (I'm 34 and he's 43) we have three dc....I worry sometimes too about the same thing . But you've just got to focus on the here and now I think. And maybe visit gp if it's feeling too much x

[temporaryusername]

I think you're getting ahead of yourself monkey - he could outlive you yet . You're both still young and anything could happen. I hate to trot out such an old cliché but you're letting the fears of the future rob you of the joys of the present.

I also wouldn't worry about moving in with dd - at the rate college fees, house prices and rent are going you'll still be waiting for her to move out!

Awful as it is to contemplate, anyone can be left alone at any age and in any circumstances. I wouldn't focus on 'longer than average' because even if it were shorter than average you shouldn't just stop trying and think 'oh well, thank god I only have a year of this left to tolerate'.

You can join things to keep busy and in touch with people, you would likely have your dc and maybe even gc! You wouldn't have to be alone all the time. But also you could work on flexing your tolerance of being alone, that is something we all should be able to do.

I know none of that would ease the grief for your DP if things pan out as you fear. It wouldn't just be about living or being alone though.

[Spiraea]

I feel this way sometimes - same age gap between DP and I. The rational and obvious thoughts (I could get hit by a bus tomorrow, either of us could be unwell, he could outlive me for some other reason, forget it and just enjoy the present) are really hard to hold on to at times.

What makes it worse for me is that all of my and DP's parents are the same age (mid-60s) - they are fit and healthy, enjoying life together, able to do the same kind of activities. When I am that age DP will be a fit 80 year old at best, and I try not to contemplate "at worst".

I definitely have periods of anxiety / depression - do you struggle with either of those generally? In which case improving my mood overall usually helps. At the end of the day, I would rather have x amount of years with my lovely DP, and can only hope I will still feel that way regardless of how the future pans out.

Have you spoken to your DP about your worries? Just out of interest, I have never said anything to mine, though he must realise it's part of the reason why I really would love him to stop smoking...