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Mental health

i feel so lost

4 replies

3cupsoftea · 22/08/2014 22:40

i don't really know what to say or what i'm hoping to hear. i think i just need to really ramble.

a few years ago i had a baby. bad birth. violent. abusive. i wound up with ptsd and pnd. drugs. talking therapy. emdr. it helped. we moved from the area last year but circumstances brought us back. i was doing so well before we left.

in the past two weeks I've seen a few people i associate with the birth. small towns, eh? each encounter leaves me breathless. usually trying to hide somewhere without vomiting. sigh.

i'd like another baby. i need another birth. the whole thing was taken from me. everything. all i ever wanted was to be a mother and i spent the first year trying not to commit suicide.

i can't let them touch me again. the next baby will be a free birth. no care, no hospital. i will do it all. i don't need them.

my anti depressant review is in 6 weeks with my gp. i need to switch to a pregnancy friendly one esp if i am going it alone. the one i'm on can cause problems at the birth. just thinking about having to meet with him has made me weepy. (and he's great- i do like him).

i'm so sick of this. i don't know what to do anymore. i've swung all day from feeling normal to feeling desperate and panicky. hanging out the washing had me sobbing. its all too much.

someone please tell me what to do. i don't really want any more medical intervention with anything. part of me wants to come off my anti-'ds so i don't have to deal with the establishment at all. i really hate them.
whats left anyway? isn't emdr fairly last resort for trauma?

i just want to curl up somewhere dark and quiet and just, i don't even know what.

i can't do this

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sewingandcakes · 22/08/2014 22:51

I'm listening and I hope you feel better soon. Someone better able to support you will come along soon.

I think you need to work through more of these thoughts and feelings before you think about another pregnancy though. Do you want to write any more down here? Flowers

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3cupsoftea · 22/08/2014 23:05

It just amazes me how fast feelings of total hopelessness and despair can wash over me.
I'm starting a new business and some things arrived. I so loved unpacking them and thinking positively about the future.
But then... I don't even know what happened. I just started thinking about having another baby. And I went from elation to despair. True utter despair.
I know I should be in a better place before becoming pregnant but it just feels I have unfinished business. That this time it will be on my terms. And then everything will finally be ok
X

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sewingandcakes · 23/08/2014 07:27

How are you feeling this morning?

Wow, starting a business sounds exciting (and stressful)! Good luck with it; I wouldn't have the knowledge or confidence to know where to even start.

Have you had the opportunity to debrief with somebody about the birth? It sounds like things went horribly wrong and I'm sorry you had to go through that.

I have had three babies, and my first was quite difficult; failed ventouse, forceps, episiotomy etc. My second was pretty "easy" and straightforward, and so for my third I wanted a home birth. This didn't happen however, and I ended up on the high risk unit, being induced, and he was delivered with ventouse, back to back (no one had realised he was facing the wrong way). I then lost 1 1/2 litres of blood afterwards (loads of doctors rushing in) and he wasn't a happy baby; he wouldn't settle and sleep like most babies following birth; I was trying to get him to sleep whilst nearly passing out myself! He got viral meningitis at 12 days old and so we were back in hospital for a few nights. He's fine now, but it's been a contributing factor in my depression and taken me a long time to work through.

How is your partner? Are they supportive? Do you have anyone to talk to in RL? Thanks

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Iwasinamandbunit · 23/08/2014 12:01

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