Neurotic obsession with someone - and it's gone on far longer than it should have

[FishPieForTea]

Hi, I decided to post this in mental health rather than relationships as I think it's where the issue really is. I'm a man and for the past two years I've been obsessing over a woman I had a relationship with, to the extent that I've become a cyber stalker and on times harasser.

Two years ago, I went to an academic conference in the US, and met this woman from Eastern Europe who lives in the US. We were at this Ivy League university and I felt on top of the world. We spent all our time together and it seemed we were infatuated with each other. She told me she had an ex-boyfriend who was obsessed with her and wouldn't let her go. I trusted her. After two weeks she invited me to visit her in Eastern Europe. On my way to the airport, she told me she still had feelings for her ex, but asked me to come. I had the most horrible week imaginable. I felt humiliated in front of her friends and family, who still thought she was with this ex-boyfriend.

I went home, but we said we should be friends, etc. She then told me she was going back to the US with her boyfriend. I subsequently found out he had visited her in Eastern Europe about a week or two after me.

For about a year, we stayed in contact at my instigation, but she was coy, and a little defensive. She told me once or twice they were unhappy. Ultimately, she attacked me, and it transpired they had never split up, and I was nothing more than an affair.

I was devastated, and I ended up depressed. I have been for counselling, and I feel I learned some things. I appreciate that this obsession is more about me than her, and how she unwittingly uncovered my vulnerabilities. She is a talented woman, and I felt so small after being humiliated, when previously I had felt so good to be in the US at this Ivy League university. It all seems so unfair that she, a cheat, can be happy with this bloke (who is a semi-employed, new-age "spiritual" type). It hurts because I was kind to her when she was unhappy, and she threw it back in my face.

Most of the time, I'm fine. I have a good job, I'm well educated, I have a lot going for me, but I think about her every single day, and two years on it's not going. She's still there in my head. I want to reach out to her. But I can't because I come across as a stalking obsessive.

I'm skeptical of counselling, but I know I need to do something as this can't continue like this forever. Does anyone have advice please?

[LastingLight]

I think you need to try counselling again. You have to break the habit of thinking about this woman. Decide on something that you want to think about instead, and whenever you catch yourself thinking about her, deliberately redirect your thoughts. Look into learning mindfulness meditation. Do you have any hobbies? Do you spend time with friends? You need to have uplifting things in your life to occupy your head with. I recommend doing some volunteering as well.