I hate myself, my life everything about me, just wanna be someone I'm not. **[edited by MNHQ to warn of potentially triggering content]**

[Imsuchamess]

I had a troubled childhood my dad was a speed addict and dealer and in and out of prison. When I was 8 and my dad was in prison my mum got a new boyfriend who sexually abused me for a year. He told me I was a dirty whore and it was me making him think this way. He would baptise me by holding me under freezing cold water after he raped me saying he was cleansing me.

Then I got mauled by a dog and my mother had a nervous breakdown and he took me for a week where I was tortured terribly. Then he dropped me off at my Nan's and left. My dad got out of prison a few weeks later. I was broken I was unable to sleep alone afraid of the dark because whenever I was alone I felt scared he would come back for me. My dad started sleeping with me at night.

I spent the next few years either caring for my dad when he had taken too many drugs or my mother when she was mentally I'll.

Then at 13 I had my first manic episode during which I met him. He would torture me for my manic behaviour like promiscuity by burning my genitals and beating me.

Eventually at 15 while I was on a depressive episode he raped me vaginally and anally and I fell pregnant. I broke up with him but wanted to keep the baby however my mum forced me to have a termination. It went wrong and I was hemmoragging (sp). But I kept quiet hoping to die. My mum went next door leaving me in charge of my baby sister when I saw my womb protruding out of my vagina and felt so dizzy I knew the end was near.

But I panicked I couldn't let my sister find me so I told my mum where I was rushed to hospital because of the physical damage I had done to myself I spent a month in hospital then a year in therapy.

At 17 I was having another manic episode and wasn't careful with contraception and ended up pg. The father stood by me and we now have three dc. However I have been diagnosed schizoaffective.

I have slept with three men during manic episodes which dh knows about. But I don't want to do that again. I just wanted a normal family life. But I can't stop the episodes coming.

[FreeSpirit89]

No advice. Just here to hand hold. You sound like you've had a terrible time of it, hopefully someone wiser will be along soon.

Have you spoken with your GP? Had concelling, or meds?

[Imsuchamess]

Thank you yes I've had two courses of therapy and I take medication, thank you for the hand hold. I just want to be a faithful wife and a good mum.

[LiberalLibertines]

Oh my love, what a horrendous time you've had.

But you've come through it, and your dh sounds lovely and understanding.

You need to keep working on yourself and taking any tiny steps in the right direction.

I'm sorry if those words fall flat, but I admire you tremendously for how far you've come

[Imsuchamess]

Thank you so much. Yes I am very lucky to have my dh not many could put up with me.

[LiberalLibertines]

You deserve him, you feeling any better?

[fluffybunnies246]

(((mess))) what an enormous amount to go through. And now you are moving ahead positively- supportive dh and 3 kids. Many people would have crumbled having gone through what you have but you're taking a different path which is absolutely brilliant. It's not surprising that you have some mh problems having gone through what you have (I would have thought it would be impossible to come through unscathed). But to your situation at the moment: Have you got a CPN? Do you have some plan as to what to do if you become ill? Have you had manic episodes enough times for your dh to be able to see any warning signs or recognise when things are going downhill?

[GirlWithTheLionHeart]

My god, you are a true survivor. No one deserves what you went through and none of it was your fault, at all, ever.

I hope you find peace and happiness soon x

[Imsuchamess]

Thanks both I don't have a cpn anymore i used to have two but was discharged. My husband has seen more than enough manic episodes to know when one is coming. My husband has a background in psychology and he was the one who realised after my first manic episode during our relationship that I was I'll. he guessed at bipolar but psychiatrist diagnosed scizoaffective because my psychotic symptoms last after a episode.