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Mental health

When will I stop being so pathetic?

9 replies

Greensleeves · 15/09/2006 12:04

Some MNers may remember my saga with my mother. I broke contact with her and my stepfather several months ago after a long, acrimonious fallout. I spent weeks not opening the curtains during the day, not going out unless I had to and locking the doors from the inside. Lately I have been feeling much safer and more peaceful, have been having the back door open all day and only jumping a bit when the phone rings (although I still won't answer the land line). Just now I caught a glimpse of a man in a T-shirt similar to one my stepfather wears just crossing the road opposite my house. I ran and locked the door and grabbed my mobile. It wasn't him, of course, but my pulse is now racing and I feel sick and shaky. It's made me realise that I do still feel guilty and miserable quite a lot of the time about what happened, and I do still get that horrible squirm in my stomach when I see a car the same colour as theirs - I check the number plate while avoiding looking in the windscreen - and I always check the cars outside my house as I approach after picking ds1 up from nursery. I jump if the doorbell rings and when the neighbours' car pulls up.

Will I ever stop looking over my shoulder? Trying to heal the family breach is simply not an option. I am on ADs (amytriptyline, for anxiety) and have had the dose increased 3 times since this whole thing started in January, but while I am much happier overall I am still finding myself feeling panicky and horrible quite a lot of the time.

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FioFio · 15/09/2006 12:06

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FioFio · 15/09/2006 12:07

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Greensleeves · 15/09/2006 12:08

No, I asked my GP about counselling and he said there's a waiting list and it would probably be group therapy, which I don't fancy much. I had counselling years ago and it was really, really helpful ( was even more of a mess before that!)

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Greensleeves · 15/09/2006 12:09

Thanks Fio. I do feel a bit pathetic though, being actually terrified of my mother at my age.

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FioFio · 15/09/2006 12:11

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hunkermunker · 15/09/2006 12:14

Oh, Greeny

Can you afford private counselling? Not sure how expensive that is. Are you on the waiting list for the NHS stuff? ikwym re group counselling too - wouldn't fancy it myself.

Lots of love, sweetheart x x x

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Bugsy2 · 15/09/2006 12:25

I think events like the ones you had to deal with take a long time to recover from. You don't just get up one morning shake off your old skin & break out into song. You should take it as a sign of recovery that overall you feel better & have been able to cut down on the ADs.
People looking like your step dad or even mum are bound to trigger a response. You stress levels will zip up again. However, what is good is that they will drop down again because the threat is only perceived and not real anymore.
(Spot the girl who's had lots of counselling!!!!)
You're doing so well. If you have got time & money to get some good professional counselling, it can be incredibly helpful.

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Greensleeves · 15/09/2006 12:28

I think you are right, I should talk to dh about putting money aside for some private counselling and aarange a time when he can have the children so I can go. I really want to be free of these horrible fears, and this sort of guilty, miserable "drag" that blights all the nice things in life. I don't "intellectually" think I did the wrong thing, but I still don't feel right.

Thanks for responding, sometimes only MN will do

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CheesyFeet · 15/09/2006 12:51

You seem to have got so far already. Don't push yourself into thinking you should have got further. You are doing so well.

I lurked on your threads about your mum but didn't have much to add to the wonderful advice you were already given. I know how it feels to be stuck in the house by anxiety, although I haven't had a trigger for it like you have, and couldn't pass by without giving you support, even though I don't really have any useful advice for you.

Would you not consider a session of group counselling? You might find people in similar situations to yourself and this may help a lot. You can also stop going after one session if you find it's not for you.

Best of luck

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