got PND/ poss post natal PTSD, but I think the symptoms are worse when DH is around...

[throwingpebbles]

just that really. not keen on posting in relationships as I find there's a tendency for people's responses to be very black and white, and I need there to be an understanding that my thinking might be quite muddled anyway due to the PND / poss PTSD

I've been very low and exhausted, having significant suicidal thoughts at my worst and still having them sometimes now. GP is being good and I am on citalopram and its helping, and also my parents and the health visitor have sorted me out with more support at home. I have been referred to perinatal but they are desperately slow in calling

anyway, a friend was talking about a mood tracker thing she used at one point, and it got me reflecting over the past few weeks about When it is that I feel at my worst and I have realised that its often when DH is around/ associated with his behaviour/ our relationship.

my mood lifts significantly when I am around family/ friends (but a lot of family live along way away)

some of my worst lows include when I'd expressed a real wish to go out somewhere as a family and he made excuse after excuse until I realised he really didn't want to go. I went and hid in my bed and thought about taking tablets. (luckily DS came and jumped on my head and dragged the covers off). I think its because there is a recurring pattern of dh never being very interested in doing things as a couple/ family (he'd rather just mooch around as he has an exciting )

another big low was when I had finally been admitting how bad I was any everyone (family etc) was rallying around offering support, and dh agreed he would take a few weekends off (exhaustion is partly due to him working non stop) and he duly did finally take a weekend off.... to go out and do his hobby with his friends both days!

he is good around the house, does the nursery drop off 3 days / week, and helps with bedtime. but our relationship isn't great and he can be quite critical of me and we do both argue a fair bit. I suggested doing something fun while the kids are at nursery and he just has never taken me up on the suggestion which is hurting too.

my thoughts aren't really clear, I guess I can just see that everything is interacting. I'm probably not the easiest person to be around at times at the moment, but equally there's a history of him making me more miserable really and its currently really not helping me fight the pnd. I feel like he should be doing more to look after me and he really isn't

[choochootrain1]

It's a horrible illness, I suffered to the extreme with it and it pretty much broke up my marriage. A year on after it got too much for him - we're thinking about trying to fix "us"

It's easier to be more sympathetic to his experience now I'm through it, at the time I certainly felt like he should be doing more.

Depression turns us very inwards, it's too exhausting (and painful) to think how others are finding the illness - some people do need that respite away from it or they'll sink too. Not to say he shouldn't be supportive.

My DH bought a book on depression at the HV suggestion which helped - he started to see it as an illness medically afterwards - before I was just 'lazy and needy' and 'should get on with it like everyone else' a little education can go a Iong way in helping a man understand. my DH to booked an appt with the GP to discuss it - that seemed to help him cope as well.

PANDAS is worth looking up for yourself x