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Mental health

grandpa died, complicated family, advice would be great please...

7 replies

maggiesmama · 14/09/2006 16:36

to start, sorry to use this topic. wasnt sure were else to put it.

my grandpa, my mum's dad, died late tuesday night. it is sad, obviously, but he had been old and so on. the consensus is that its for the best, as people say.

the tricky bit is that he and my mum had become estranged. they had a tricky time together, but deeply loved eache other. this most recent hiatus started three years ago.

she has a brother. oh, and granpda had adopted her, by the way. and this most recent estrangement was from both her brother and her father in the context of my grnadma's death.

anyway, sorry, i'm rambling. essentially, i spoke to her brother and he wants nothing to do with her. i should say i think they are both a bit out of order, and responsible and so on. he has been living with grandpa (abroad) and doesnt want my mum to go to the funeral. i dont think there would be a fight, but i do think it would be frosty/hostile.

i feel very strongly that she should go, and we should be with her, because she need the experinece, the closure. but am i wrong? maybe we could go, but not to the actual funeral, to pay repsects and remember him and so on. or should she let her brother - who asked "why would she want to go, he wasnt her biological father?" - push her around.

help???

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fairyjay · 14/09/2006 16:38

Sorry to hear your sad news.

What does your mum want to do MM? I sort of feel that you're right, but only if it's what she wants.

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TearingMyHairOut · 14/09/2006 16:41

What a horrible situation...I would say that ultimately the decision has to be based on how your mum feels. She should definately not let the brother push her around if she feels the need to go and pay respects/ have closure etc. If she did not want to attend the funeral, maybe she could go after to visit grave or something...anything to mark the end. I think your mum needs to think really carefully about that she needs or she could end up with big regrets. Can she not try to talk to the brother and explain or would that not work at all..or maybe write, but there may not be time for that.
Just support yur mum whatever happens becuase she'l obviously feel horrible right now

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maggiesmama · 14/09/2006 16:44

she wants to go, but feels she cant because of her brother.

she is understandably devestated. its even worse, becasue i have been urging her to write to her dad for ages. and she hasnt. i am worried about all of this stuff to process. the death of her father. the guilt and regret that she didnt contact him. and now, the possibility of the regret that she didnt go to the funeral.

and she is in a muddle. positively childlike. she seems unable to make any decisions, and i feel like i have to make them for her.

such an odd position.

(thank you, btw)

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maggiesmama · 14/09/2006 16:46

when i spoke to him today he said if she called, he would put the phone down, and never wants to see her again.

i should say that the estrangement this time centres on circumstances when my grandma died. something, i think, todo with my mum organising things. though i have never got a straight answer. but its hard to see how that can translate into such an extreme situation. paritculalry when she looked after him, and covered for him, for years.

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TearingMyHairOut · 14/09/2006 16:57

What would her dad have wanted?

It's so easy to get mixed up in all the emotion but ask yourself:
In a few months time when it's all settled, how would she feel if she didn't go?
I think what the brother wants here has to really be ignored. The decision has to be based on what she eels and what she thinks her dad would want. The brother is being childish and blatantly not thinking of dad at all.

Times like this are bad enough without having to deal with all this

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maggiesmama · 14/09/2006 17:08

thank you. i'm not sure what he would want. they were estranged, but i'm confident he loved her. in a way, does it matter? i guess, according to my beleif system, he is now a memory. i guess i'm mostly thinking about my mums mental health, you know. but maybe i'm being too short sited. dunno.

x

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fairyjay · 15/09/2006 10:41

MM
My mum's mum didn't want any women at her funeral - very old fashioned idea, but my mum and her sister respected that wish. At the time the funeral was taking place they met and collectively spoke of their own memories.
Maybe something like this might be the right route for your mum, even if it's just going to a pub in the village where your grandpa was born.
Hope you're doing OK.

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