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Mental health

OH (finally) going to see GP this week about depression - what to expect?

17 replies

myotherusernameisbetter · 26/07/2014 19:46

I've been married for 18 years. We have had some tough times but the last couple of years it's probably been worse. OH has said a few times over the years that he is depressed but wouldn't do anything about it as "they would only give me pills and that's no solution"

He once told me that at points he had considered driving his motorbike straight into a concrete wall or a tree.

Anyway, things go fine for ages, he isn't the life and soul tbh but we get on really well. Then he gets down and I'm made to feel that it's my fault for example I am not affectionate enough. That's probably true, but that's my nature and I haven't changed. It's also very difficult when although you love someone, and I genuinely think I do love him, you don't actually like them very much sometimes.

He does lose his temper from time to time but usually just stomps out and goes for a drive. Obviously I feel great about this given his comments from years ago.

Anyway a couple of weekends ago, we had just got back from holidays, he was in a grim mood - as usual, I was blaming myself but also quite angry with him too. He ended up stomping off and I shouted after him "so that'll be my fault as well then" when he was back and he had calmed down he said "I'm depressed, it isn't your fault" I asked him what he was going to do and he repeated that it was a waste of time going to the docs. So I said "so you are depressed and you are not going to do anything then, is that it?" he said he didn't know. I got upset and went off. I stopped short of saying if he didn't then I didn't want to be married any more but that is a conversation that I think we need to have :(

Then things were fine, I got home yesterday after finishing work and picking the kids up and he said he had come home early from work, wasn't going in next week and had made an appointment at the GP.

If he doesn't cancel before then, what will the GP do? will it be medication? I suspect if it is, he simply wont fill the prescription.

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SilverStars · 26/07/2014 20:09

What help does he want? You say he is not likely to take medication so he may have a different idea of help he wants from the gp so worth asking for what help prepared to take?

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myotherusernameisbetter · 26/07/2014 20:19

I really don't know Silverstars - he has been fine today so I'm not going to bring it up - I'm hoping that he is recognising the need to consider all options otherwise I can see our future going down the toilet. I'm not prepared to take the blame for everything all the time and now in my late 40s, I don't want to live the way we have been anymore.

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WastingMyYoungYears · 26/07/2014 20:32

The GP will ask him to complete a questionnaire, which will give him a score for both anxiety and depression. The GP will then discuss possible options like antidepressants or a course of cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) if appropriate. I've personally found meditation using the Take10 app to be helpful.

Good luck to you both OP. I'm the affected partner in this situation, and I can see that make life difficult for my DH.

Just to add, that the depression can also cause anger, which could account for your DH's angry outbursts. I sometimes have these, and I hate them Sad. I threw my watch at the bathroom window tonight Sad (although I was the only person there).

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Loveleopardprint · 26/07/2014 20:37

The GP will hopefully take time to listen. He might suggest tablets to start with. So many people rely on anti-depressants he should not be ashamed to take them. They saved me. Then doctor will probably suggest either a mindfulness course or counselling. I had all of this four years ago. I am now off the tablets and I have down days but the counselling really helped and the tablets were what I needed at the time.

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Loveleopardprint · 26/07/2014 20:40

Meant to say that it is a big step actually admitting that you need help. He probably feels that nothing can help at this stage and feels alone and desperate. I was really against the tablets but they really did help. Sorry you are both going through this.

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myotherusernameisbetter · 26/07/2014 20:42

thanks for sharing wasting I hope things get better for you.

I hope he is honest in the questionnaire and takes whatever help is offered.

He has had these since before he met me, so i know it isn't me - he has broken a few things in a temper but has never hit me or the kids although he did grab one of them a bit roughly to put his shoe on once and I took them and walked out the hotel we were in and wnet to the train station to take them home. He followed us there, apologised and drove us all home - he has never touched them since.

A few years ago he threw a cup and smashed it and cut all his hand so we had to go to hospital :(

It's not nice for the kids (who are now young teens) and it's not nice for me - he has always made me feel that it was my fault, or the kids fault but I see now that it wasn't.

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myotherusernameisbetter · 26/07/2014 20:45

Thanks loveleopard he is a trained mental health nurse so I guess that colours his judgement somewhat (he isn't currently working as a nurse)

I am glad that things are better for you and I think there is more I could do as far as reaching out to him - but I am scared that if I do it now and it makes him feel better, he wont go on Thursday :(

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WastingMyYoungYears · 26/07/2014 20:54

OP, if he thinks it would help, he could write his symptoms down and just pass it to his GP? I did this after MN advice, and it made it so much easier.

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myotherusernameisbetter · 26/07/2014 21:00

thatnks for that wasting - I'll pass that on :)

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Loveleopardprint · 26/07/2014 21:45

You are obviously very supportive. My husband used to try to help me "solve" my depression problems which used to just annoy me. We have come to am understanding that when I say I feel a bit down he empathises with me, gives me a cuddle and them ignores my grumpiness for the day. Just being there and listening is so important. Well done for sticking with it.

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myotherusernameisbetter · 26/07/2014 21:54

Don't get me wrong, I am not perfect and I am not the best at showing my feelings. I have been thinking a lot lately about splitting up, I haven't told him but I reckon he must be getting the vibes. I try to keep everything normal for the kids sake and have probably enabled him far too much. Maybe if I'd been stronger with him he might have sought help earlier - who knows. i just hope that he keeps the appointment as it isn't until Thursday.

I think we have been living more as friends than as a couple to be honest. I'm not in love with him, but is anyone after being together for nearly 20 years? I think I love him, I certainly care about him, sometimes he drives me mental and I don't like him very much. he doesn't make me laugh and makes very little attempt to make me happy - how much of that is him and how much is the depression I don't know. He once told me that it isn't up to him to make me happy - I guess it isn't but surely doing things for people that they would appreciate and enjoy is part of showing your love? Who knows, maybe we both need counselling.

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myotherusernameisbetter · 26/07/2014 21:57

I know he loves me but finds me frustrating. I tend to bottle stuff up and we both like to be on our own.

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Loveleopardprint · 27/07/2014 08:03

Don't beat yourself up too much. Long term relationships are hard and adding depression into the mix makes them just that bit harder. Maybe give him a few months to try to address the depression before making any major decisions? Fingers crossed here that he goes to the appointment and follows any advice given.

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myotherusernameisbetter · 05/08/2014 12:20

Just thought I should give an update - he went to the Dr on Thursday and she said that he "may" need antidepressants and also gave him websites to look at including marriage counselling.

He brought that up with me and I said it wasn't something i would necessarily be comfortable about but would go if it seemed like the best option. My view is that it is difficult in his head to see that his negativity (because of the depression) that is contributing to the issue a lot from my point of view, whereas I think he sees that it is issues with the marriage that is making him depressed and I think he has latched onto that somewhat.

Anyway, he broke down in tears at the weekend and it transpires that he did the same in the Drs. :(

We had a pretty hellish day and at the end of it basically confirmed that we do want to be together and try to make it work.

Things have been better although he is still very clingy to the Relationship counselling as being the solution as he feels everything is too bad and that we can't possibly move on from this by ourselves.

He had a follow up appointment at the Drs this morning and given the vast improvement in his mood, she has deferred from any prescription at this time which he is really happy about. I am not so sure tbh. He has said that he is going to ask for some individual counselling via his work and has also said that he is prepared to go to relationship counselling on his own but would prefer us to go as a couple. He takes the blame for most of the problems we have been having. I don't feel that it is all his fault but I have said that I really struggle to deal with the negativity and it grinds me down and makes me dislike him which isn't really fair.

He has said that obviously the Dr may prescribe something at a further appointment but he is feeling optimistic about the future which is something he hasn't felt for a long time.

I am really happy for him, but I guess I am still worried that it isn't a solution. I don't think he recognises that he has been like this often over the years that he is chossing to regard as the good times. Selective memory? I am being honest in that I want to try again, so I guess I will try to engage with the relationship therapy but I am worried that it isn't actually addressing the core issue for me - who knows.

As I say, I don't think I am perfect or blameless but I think I know what I need to do but I find it difficult to be affectionate and warm towards someone who is making me feel bad. So i am more quietly optimistic at this point.

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NameChange30 · 06/08/2014 00:21

Hi, sorry to hear you've been going through this. From what you say I do think it sounds like things could get better. Your husband admitting that he needs help, going to the GP and being willing to get counselling - that's a big step and very promising.
It sounds like your husband's depression has put a lot of strain on your relationship. So maybe you could consider relationship counselling as well as individual counselling for him. That's not to say anything is your fault - it doesn't really help to place blame. It's just that you might both need a bit of support and advice when it comes to rebuilding your relationship.
My husband and I had some relationship counselling at Relate and it was excellent. The counsellor listened to us both and helped us communicate better. It was much less awkward and embarrassing than I thought it would be (and we were discussing sexual problems!)

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myotherusernameisbetter · 06/08/2014 09:41

Thank you AnotherEmma

That is good to hear. You are right that it doesn't help to place blame and to be fair he did say that he felt we needed help to move on and learn again how to be a couple. This is really my only ever long term relationship and he has 2 previous long term (One 6 years and the other 7 years) failed relationships. This is the only one that involves children.

It does sound as if the counselling might be a bit less creepy than it feels in my head. I am a very private person irl so don't relish the thought of talking about private things with a stranger....or someone I know :( That's maybe part of the issue tbf.

Things are a lot better, but he has always gone into these moods and there are things he has said and done in the past that I find it hard to move on from but I know I have to or we may as well call it a day.

I am probably from the school of just getting on with things and find this all a bit self indulgent if I'm honest. I need to get past that too and focus on building upon the love and care we have for each other.

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NameChange30 · 06/08/2014 20:06

Hi, glad if my comments have helped a bit. I understand what you mean, I think we do try and just get on with things. But we all have feelings, it's part of being human, and it's not self indulgent to talk about them. Trying to pretend everything's ok doesn't really work (trust me I've tried!) because the hurt and resentment will still be there!
If you're not sure what to expect or whether relationship counselling would be right for you and your partner, it might be worth looking at the Relate website. They have free online chat which might be less intimidating than calling them! They even do counselling by email and phone (although I think face-to-face is probably better).
Anyway good luck, I hope your husband starts to feel better and I'm sure you will be able to work through it.

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