Stop the meds like mum thinks?

[lithiumfear]

I posted this in chat for traffic, but also want help from people with experience, sorry if that's wrong.

Having been relatively stable for the last couple of years (albeit with hypomanic episodes).

About a month ago I rapidly deteriorated. I begun to not cope with anything - I struggle to wash up, wash clothes, and almost never vacuum etc.

I'm incredibly short-tempered, a 100 times worse than the worst PMS ever. Last weekend I couldn't communicate with my 4yr old DD, and just cried. She asked her dad if he was happy, and told him that "mummy wants to die".

So I'm in a pretty bad way.

I had an emergency appointment with my psychiatrist. I hoped that I could go back on Lamotrigine (I was stable with occasional hypomania, on it, along with Sertraline & Aripiprazole). I changed to Sodium Valproate because I had the odd 'down' day, and believed Valproate would make me 'happier'.

He, however suggested Lithium. I didn't like the idea, but it was either that, or Quetiapine (which I react badly to), and upping the Valproate.

So I agreed, had the bloods, and was cleared to take it yesterday evening (400mg).

I noticed nothing to start with, then fell asleep a few hours later, and stayed asleep all night (a first for me).

Today I am just as irritable, in fact I have screamed at DD, as she constantly pushes me, and I lack the ability to deal with it, I do try, but just lose it. And I'm still so down.

My mum phoned me, and when she could hear I was still irritable she said I shouldn't take it, and it obviously doesn't agree with me. She said I'm one of those people who medication doesn't agree with and makes me turn murderous.

I am such a mess. I want the lithium to work, but what if my mum's right, should taking a tablet have made me better straight away?

I'm not taking the Valproate (against advice), since beginning it in May I have gained nearly two stone.

I just can't cope right now, we've had two mice in the garden (little ones, that DH thinks the cat caught), but all I can think of is them getting through doors and windows, so keeping them shut, and poisoning the water.

I'm also taking 5mg of diazepam, along with the other meds, but my mind is racing - I'm so down, but also really shaky and angry.

[titabeth]

I think any medication takes time to work, and that you should listen to your doctors. Your mum is understandably worried. I sounds to me like you are not always honest with your psychiatrist.

If you are genuinely concerned you might hurt yourself or someone else you need to ask people to help you directly, I mean some practical help, like taking your DD out for the day.

Have you tried elefriends? it's an online forum similar to this one, except it deal solely with mental health issues. Good luck

[bluebell345]

sorry for your situation :(, maybe you should start with a smaller dosage.

[Queenofknickers]

I take Lithium and it has taken at least 6 weeks to start to settle me down but it has worked. We always want instant results I know. Can you take the Valium regularly for the next week or two to help?( this is what my psychiatrist suggested for me).

[CharlieBrookerScowl]

Sorry to hear you're struggling

My (Bipolar) Uncle is similar and after 10 years of my grandparents telling him he didn't need to take the stuff (Lithium) they also refused to accept he even had a MH issue til he tried to kill himself for the second time he's now been on it for 2 years, dosage changing occasionally.

It's literally been a lifesaver. He had a rough few weeks adjusting (and of course my gran thought this was a sign it was pointless etc) then it just seemed to start working. He's not snappy anymore, doesn't stay awake for days at a time and can just actually function 'normally'.

I'd say listen to the professionals, not your mother. She cares but she doesn't have the medical knowledge or wisdom to know what's best for you with this. Hope you feel better soon!

[lithiumfear]

Thank you all

Queen I have been prescribed Valium for 15 days (5mg), and took it after writing this post... amazingly it did calm me down a bit.

Today I feel a bit more positive, and the one thing that is sure, is my sleep has improved amazingly, I fall asleep within a couple of hours of taking it, and despite night waking (that really isn't proper waking iyswim), I stay asleep all night.

It works like zopiclone (which I'm no longer allowed), but doesn't leave me hungover the next day (today I got up when DD did, gave her breakfast and took her to the park, which, for me, is unheard of).

Early days yet, but I do want this to work.

I've not re-started the Valproate, and I know the doctor will know this, as my levels were low last week, and will be again this week. I just don't like the drug, and it made me put on so much weight, yet gave me no energy to go out/exercise.

[lithiumfear]

OK, so it's been nearly a week since I started.

I found my mood did improve (as I documented on Sunday), then things turned down again yesterday. Partly my fault, I listened to song that reminded me of my dead youngest daughter, and it seemed to send me on downward spiral.

I find today that I'm not down so much, but still very angry. Very fed up and frustrated at things I can't do.

Today is my Dsis's birthday, and I wanted to make her something (I haven't made anything for months), but DH was using my workstation for sorting his stock (as usual).

So instead I painted on some t shirts (don't laugh).

They need to be ironed, in order for the paint to set.

So I find the iron, then find that DH is using the ironing board for stock too, and told me I can't use it.

He suggests I tidy, or play with DD1.

I feel such a selfish, horrible bitch, but I just don't see any point in carrying on. I've really reached that point where I have enough energy to do something (as shown by my actively wanting to do something, as opposed to not being able to get off the couch), and this energy could so easily flip into something destructive, and it's in this state of mind that I've attempted suicide in the past. It's always been impulsive.

So I'm snappy at DD, and right now hate DH.

My CPN (actually she's a social worker, as there is a shortage of CPNs), thinks DH is lovely and supportive, but not in the way I need.He thinks I should take pills and be happy. He doesn't support my "little hobby", even though I've had people commission me, and actively makes it impossible for me to do it, by overtaking all the space with 'stock'. I can't even iron FFS.

I sleep on the floor (no mattress) in DD1's room, as I can't bear to be with him, we rarely have sex (was him avoiding it to start with, and the rejection has now put me off), and when we do have it, he can't come.

I feel my only 'role' is DD1's mum. Of course it's important, but I feel downtrodden, all my hopes and dreams are gone, I'm constantly obstructed from doing anything I enjoy, and is therapeutic, because I should "prioritise".

I don't even have a clue what's going on with my meds. I had the blood test for the Lithium today, and have one tablet left. The idea was my doctor thought they'd up the dose - but my doctor isn't there tomorrow, so they don't know if I'll get another prescription.

I fully expect no one to read any of this, but need to let it out, before I grab a knife.

[cjelh]

I've read your post and fully understand how you feel. You could work on H. He isn't treating you right. I have a sneaky feeling if you could sortout things with him(or without him) your mental health will improveHow are things tonight?

[lithiumfear]

Sorry cjelh, I only just saw your message.

Things are a bit better. I found out on Friday that my lithium levels were very low, so I wasn't getting a therapeutic dose, so it's been upped. Still early days, so we shall see.

Thank you x