How To Support Son Who's Been Diagnosed With Depression

[JoffreyBaratheon]

My oldest son is 24, has a very good (but highly stressful) job, and lives a couple of counties away. We're a large family and he was always the apple of everyone's eye - a remarkably kind and sweet young man; his younger brothers worship him. He and I were always very close. Growing up, he had dyspraxia - but no obvious signs of any mental health issues.

In the past few weeks, he sounded very down when he phoned. His dad and I started to worry and last week my husband told him to just come home for the weekend, even though he'd only been here a fortnight or so earlier and a last minute train ticket cost him a fortune. To my surprise (as he's always been fiercely independent since he left home for uni) he came home.

He and I spent Saturday with relatives and on our way home went to the pub where he had quite a few drinks - because he wanted to tell me something, it turned out. He said this was harder than coming out but that he'd been diagnosed with depression a couple of years earlier, when in his first job after uni (he's a web developer, and his job is well paid but also very, very high stress). He had some medication and then felt better and stopped taking it... Then, this new job he felt out of his depth and the depression came back with a vengeance.

He had never wanted to tell us as he thought we'd 'freak out'. We have always had a very close and relaxed relationship - when we're together we laugh and laugh. However, his dad and I had noticed he seemed quite isolated; living alone (previously he'd been in a house share and in a different city where he made friends). And I knew he wasn't enjoying his new job. He feels he can't have time off as he is the only one at his place who can even do what he does. He had a big deadline and he says the depression just dropped on him from the blue. I dunno why he found it so hard to tell us, as we have always been so close and supportive. He knows we struggle for money and he earns three times what his dad does, just several years out of uni. So he got a lot of pleasure buying nice things for his younger brothers and us - and I now think that was also an added pressure: he didn't want us to see him as somehow 'lesser' when he is 'the successful one' of the family. (Not that we judge people like that).

Now I am at a loss and feeling very afraid. He is so far from home. I would drop everything and go and stay with him whilst he gets better - but I have a 12 and 13 year old still at home and they need me too. If he was nearer, this wouldn't feel so scary as we could pop round in the week and help him out and make him less lonely. But we simply can't, with the distances involved.

Anyone else have an adult son or daughter with depression and how do you support them? Must admit I had a good cry on Sunday morning when he couldn't see me, and having to take him back to the train station wasn't easy. We are a close family. I think it has got worse in the past month not just because of his big deadline at work but also my 3rd son is at uni not too far from him and he was spending one or two weekends a month with his younger brother - but with bro on vacation, back home with us, this not an option. We are trying to persuade him to find a job nearer home but in the meantime, when his bro is back at uni he can spend a couple of weekends a month with him and one weekend a month with us. I feel so powerless to help. I have PCOS and was told the odds of ever conceiving my son were millions to one - so he has always been very, very special to us. (We waited 8 years for him).

He has gone to the dr's and got the same medication he had before. Even this is worrying him as it slows his thinking and he needs to be extremely sharp for his job. (And as I say, has no safety net of other people going behind him to rectify any mistakes he makes). He says it takes a fortnight to kick in and he's nearly been on it a fortnight.

What can we do to help him?

[ColouringInQueen]

Dear joffrey I really feel for you and your love and concern for your lovely son shines out from your writing. I don't know if I can help, but I can speak from the perspective of someone who has been in your son's shoes - and come out the other side. For me little things that let me know someone is thinking of me help - a text message here, a postcard there, something yummy to eat in the post, a call every now and then (even though I might not want to speak on the phone much).

Has his deadline passed? I know work is very important to him, but a couple of weeks off could give his mind and body more of a chance to recover. Counselling would also be worth thinking about (maybe a little further down the line) if he's been depressed before. (but without nagging ). Tell him you love him, he's very special and that you're always there for him - he can call you any time, turn up any time etc.

Best wishes to you all.

[JoffreyBaratheon]

ColouringInQueen, thanks so much for that. It is helpful to hear that, from someone who has been depressed. I've had the odd bout of depression myself but, as my son said, mine was sparked by specific incidents in my life (bereavement, a job I hated, postnatal depression...) whereas my son says his just descended out of the blue (but seems to be focussed on work). I told him something he'd never known before, that his dad has had severe depression in the past and that seemed to help him.

I also told him he can ring us any time - even at 3am and we'd come and get him, if he wanted. So glad I said the right thing!

Thanks so much for your words. It really is helping.

[ColouringInQueen]

joffrey any time. You definitely said the right thing I have depression in my family too. I think there is probably a genetic predisposition but also that you can learn better ways to deal with your emotions - anyway what I'm trying to say is that counselling has definitely helped me.

Take care.

[Reallystrugglinginside]

I can only give you advice as a long term sufferer aswell so I hope I can be of some use.

I agree with Colouringinqueen, you sound like a lovely caring parent and that will make all the difference.

I wish my own parents were as supportive as you.

Sending him a text, postcard, letter, something nice for him, chocolates, sweets, dvd. Actually a funny postcard is a very good idea, I wish I received postcards but i just get bills. Basically just letting him know your there and that you care (which im sure he knows you do) and that your thinking of him. Allowing him to talk about how he's feeling will really help aswell.

I hope he starts to feel better soon, your definitley doing the right things

[DaddyBeer]

What Really said. God, you have no idea what I'd have done to have a mum like you when I got depressed in my late teens. Mine barely noticed.

It sounds like you are, and will be, doing the right things. Small acts to remind him he's being thought about will help.

Only other thing I'd consider is finding him someone professional to talk to. And I mean professional. He's obviously a bright guy, so he'll need someone smart. I'd suggest finding him a Clinical Psychologist specialising in therapy. Won't be cheap, but sounds like he could manage it. If he finds the right person for him, it is likely to make a big difference, both now and in the future.