My feed
Premium

Please
or
to access all these features

Mumsnet hasn't checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you have medical concerns, please seek medical attention.

Mental health

if you hate living but suicide is not an option..

25 replies

crashbandicoot · 17/07/2014 03:14

..then maybe we can be miserable together and not have to pretend that everything is great/going to get better and that we are just going through a depressive episode? for some of us this way of thinking is permanent so how do we live with it?

my backstory/worldview is that i think that post industrialised societies are crap. families are spread out all over the place. people are lonely. we are educated in order to be workers and find fulfilment through work but this is a lie. most people have jobs not vocations. mine is ok but it is hard knowing that in reality i could be sacked at a moments notice and to avoid poverty etc i need to keep the good employee act up for the next 30 years. we are supposed to smile while we 'suck it up'.

some people manage to get the full package 2.4 kids health relationship meaningful work etc and if you don't get these things then it's hard. it's no use blaming society as 'society' doesn't give a f*ck. so you blame yourself or parents and this leads to depression which makes you feel worse.

some people find solace in nature but since darwin wrote that all livings things even plants are in a struggle for survival against one another i know longer feel so comfortable with the innate beauty of nature. i also saw some male ducks gang rape and kill a female duck once and that has stayed with me also cos ducks are meant to be benign but they are also ruthless iyswim.

from most of the things i have read on MN having children is supposed to give life more joy and meaning but if you try for kids for that reason you will probably be told that you should not bring children into the world to give your life meaning. i dont have children btw and might not due to infertility.

i am also severely depressed and seeing a psych and cpn.

i constantly think of suicide but know that i cant act on it because i dont want to cause pain to my family but fantasing about it does temporarily make me feel better. one thing that did make me feel better today was pruning a bush in a community garden. i went in and they told me what to do and i focussed on pruning and it gave me some respite. i am also am volunteering as a youth worker and at a night shelter for destitute asylum seekers where we cook food and sleep on the floor of a church. i did this because i thought if i could find people worse off than me it might make me feel better (perverse i know). but the asylum seekers are so accepting and positive even though they are fleeing persecution/have left their families/are destitute that it has also made be feel ungrateful about what i have and and am still depressed.

anyway feel free to have a rant/moan or share your worldview (however bleak). if you find anything that temporarily relieves the misery people could share that too maybe?

OP posts:
Report
expatinscotland · 17/07/2014 03:21

I just keep buggering on for my surviving kids.

I watched my eldest die of cancer at the age of 9. I am very poor, always will be, it's all a big slog. I will never be completely happy again, because she is dead.

Hey ho.

A lot of people I see, they just whinge about the square root of FA.

I try not to be miserable, but it can be hard because of what happened to our daughter.

Report
expatinscotland · 17/07/2014 03:22

Right now I am abroad so it is not 3am here.

Report
CillaBlacksOrangeBouffant · 17/07/2014 03:26

Thank you crash. I won't write everything now because I'm a bit drunk and I've taken some class a drugs too but I will come back because it's such a relief to know I'm not alone in feeling this way but at the same time I'm very sad that I'm not the only one.

Report
piratecat · 17/07/2014 03:29

expat. 'the square root of fa'

exactly.

it's hard to remember what is important in our basic human needs.
but we must. otherwise we get get lost.
a smile
love
humour
predictive text just wanted to write humous. why have i got humous in my dictionary.

though it is quite important to me i guess.

toothache here.
x

Report
CillaBlacksOrangeBouffant · 17/07/2014 03:31

Expat you won't know me from a hole in the wall but I've been aware of you since I joined mn back in 2006ish and I'm so sorry for what you had to endure. Maybe I feel an extra bit of affinity because the greatest love of my life was Mexican

Report
crashbandicoot · 17/07/2014 03:33

expat I am so sorry. do you ever feel any peace/respite?

my problems probably stem from having drug addict parents which has coloured my outlook on life but we are always being told that life is great if only we could see the positives.
.
but once you see that life is cruel and abitrary how can you go back to pretending that there is meaning etc? especially if you are not religious?

OP posts:
Report
piratecat · 17/07/2014 03:34

think i am a 2006 er too

bloody hell that's eight years ago.

op hiya. virtual cuppa to you. thanks for being there right now.

Report
piratecat · 17/07/2014 03:37

i always seem to come back to
my spirit needs me.
but i wonder too sometimes what would have happened if i wasn't a mother. x

Report
crashbandicoot · 17/07/2014 03:37

thanks pirate. humour is a blessing. black humour even. sorry to hear about the toothache.

OP posts:
Report
expatinscotland · 17/07/2014 03:39

I feel sorry for people who are so miserable, tbh. I wasn't, but that didn't count for shit.

Report
crashbandicoot · 17/07/2014 03:39

interesting.. what do you mean by your spirit needs you?

OP posts:
Report
expatinscotland · 17/07/2014 03:40

Hiya, 'sackache' :)

Report
expatinscotland · 17/07/2014 03:40

My kids need me so I have to stick around, but it's pretty shit a lot of the time.

Report
piratecat · 17/07/2014 03:46

to me that's the bare bones of it.
we must have some sort of life force.
we are so complex.
i am not religious but through my depression [for most of my life]
something has kept me here even before i was a mother.

what was that. i like to think it is my 'spirit'
it says hey you are worthwhile.
you are here. bugger off if you really want to. but i haven't.

Report
CillaBlacksOrangeBouffant · 17/07/2014 03:49

Ive got a bottle of clove oil here if you want pirate.

I think... people around me don't have a clue about how I feel. I can't remember a time when I didn't feel depressed, scared, miserable and maybe suicidal isn't the correct word but the idea that I shouldn't exist and that I seem to spread misery wherever I go seems fitting.

I can't shake the feeling that I've been a bitter disappointment to my mum, I've been a shit mother to m

Report
crashbandicoot · 17/07/2014 03:51

does anyone find anger as a motivating force or does it just suck you down?

OP posts:
Report
crashbandicoot · 17/07/2014 03:54

hey my spirit is telling me to go to bed... Grin hope to speak to you all tmrw.

OP posts:
Report
CillaBlacksOrangeBouffant · 17/07/2014 03:57

My own kids and I am currently working on a natural causes ending but I think it will take 2-3 years slowly potentially for me to go from where I am now to death from natural causes due to medical issues or whateverIit's called.
Then I think what about my elderly grandma and my kids etc etc etc.

One day..... sigh

Report
grobagsforever · 17/07/2014 03:59

My DH died of cancer six weeks ago. I'd kill myself if it wasn't for my kids. Currently trying to establish breastfeeding all by myself. Fucking torture.

Report
crashbandicoot · 17/07/2014 04:33

couldn't sleep after all.

grobags that is truly awful. hope you find this a safe place to vent.

cilla yes it is hard living for others when in pain. it's a never ending cycle. slow suicide is always a possibility as you say. btw have your children told you you were a bad mother?

OP posts:
Report
Pare · 17/07/2014 08:39

So pleased to see other people get it. That life is torture for some of us and it is cruel to make us go on living. I know the world would be better without me.

Report
lombardy · 17/07/2014 08:53

Does anyone just feel like this without having any obvious complex reason (like abusing childhood etc)? Sometimes I feel like it is only acceptable to be depressed/hate life if you have some sort of traumatic backstory. I think I was born depressed as I have always felt like there was a little black rain cloud permanently hovering over me. I'm not sure if I have any deeply traumatic reasons (except the usual divorced parents, not seeing one parent very much etc). Is it actually more normal to feel like this but society tells you otherwise? I also feel like there is so much emphasis placed on being an extrovert and super confident and successful and if you are a natural introvert you feel like this is impossible to live up to and you feel like a freak.

Report
Pare · 17/07/2014 08:54

There is no reason for me to feel like this other than an acute awareness of being a terrible human being.

Report
hersheyscookie · 17/07/2014 11:01

I attempted suicide 20 years ago (several times) but didn't succeed. I always wish I had, but now with dc I don't feel able to. I don't care so much about hurting other members of my family as they're old enough to look after themselves, but I'm all my dc have so I need to be around for them. I find it a burden much of the time.

I am diagnosed with 'major depressive disorder' and a whole bunch of other stuff, I see a psych and CPN regularly. I find my CPN quite patronising and unhelpful, but I know it's necessary to stay 'in the system' for my DLA/ESA. That extra bit of money makes life more bearable. I think society has failed me in so many ways and I feel no duty to give anything back to it.

I don't think I have other obvious reasons or traumatic backstory to my life to cause my depression. I do have some difficult history but way back when I was a small child (I don't actually remember it myself), and my siblings went through the same thing and are fine, so I don't think that had much of an impact. Though I had about 2 years of psychotherapy on the NHS and that was what they wanted to focus on the whole time.

Report
DalmationStripe · 17/07/2014 11:23

Lombardy I feel like that too. Dark cloud thing... I couldn't have put it better.

Report
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.