Suicide compromise

[kirsten123]

Hello,

I've never really enjoyed my life to be honest. I've always worked hard, studied, and hoped things would improve but they never really have.

I won't bore you with the background (broken engagement, debt, alcoholism) but today I'm 31 years old, overweight, single, stuck in a rented room hundreds of miles from my parents and doing a job I hate. (Contract finishes January). I've never really enjoyed any job I've done despite loads of education/training.

Now, what I would really like is to go to sleep and never wake up again. Or somehow donate all my organs to people who DO want to live! I just don't see the point in carrying on - why is it such a taboo to just opt-out of life in the same way that you opt-out of anything else that you don't enjoy/aren't good at.

However I would not do this because my parents would be devastated. I should say they know a little but they get upset when I hint about just how bad I feel and tell them that I wish they'd never had me because I just find life something to be endured and I must be a source of worry and disappointment to them.

So what I want to do is basically say to them - I will not kill myself but basically I'm your problem now. (They have plenty of money). I've done 30 years of this shite and I've had enough. Ie I would move back home and just "exist" until THEY shuffle off (they are 60 years old). Then I'll end it. And not have to deal with pensions or lack thereof.

Now, I realise this all sounds selfish but is it not selfish to have children and make them deal with this thing we call life?

I've felt this way for years but have often blocked it out with antidepressants.

[wordsmithsforever]

OP I'm sorry to hear you're feeling so low. A wise friend of mine (she's a doctor) once said to me that she thinks most organised religions have got it wrong - and that in fact this earth of ours with all its struggles and pain might in fact turn out to be hell and heaven (or the afterlife) is our freedom from hell.

I'm not saying that to depress you further - but just to say that the existential pain you feel is very common and real - and a lot of people will "get it" and understand what you are saying. I think life can be extraordinarily hard - but it can also be full of kindness, beauty and fun.

You say you don't want to work anymore and want to return home to your parents to exist. I think, given that you have supportive parents with money, that first part sounds like an good idea - why suffer in a job you hate if you don't like it and don't need it?

But why not try for more than just existence? Is there anything at all you would love to do? Like paint or write or draw or even read? Imagine you did only have a week to live - what would you do? Go to the beach? Sketch? Cook a wonderful meal for your parents? Call an old friend? Help someone else? Visit a lonely person you know?

It sounds like your job is dragging you down. Your parents sound supportive and loving and I'm sure if you explain how you feel they would support a sabbatical to find your sense of joy and purpose in life.

It's also worth talking to a GP - I know some people need to try many anti-depressants before they find one which clicks.

Having said that, another psychiatrist friend of mine said that some of her patients were simply feeling existential pain that needed to be worked through rather than depression - but it's so worth talking to a good counsellor about - whatever it turns out to be. Sending you good energy from Africa and an unmumsnetty virtual hug.

[MagpieMama]

OP you're still young enough (and I'm not just saying that because you're the same age as me ) to start over.
What is it you want out of life? What would make you happy?
I don't know if your depression is purely due to your circumstances or if it's more clinical but do speak to your GP about different treatment options.
As for your plan to return to your parents and just exist, I honestly think you'd just find yourself feeling worse and worse. I understand why the idea is attractive, it would be escaping the world, a bit like going to sleep and never waking up. I've been there, just existing at my parents house. Time went verrrrry slowly and I just became more and more miserable. The highlight of my life was my hourly cigarette (I'd watch the clock and wait). It was hellish.
It can be really hard to motivate yourself into improving things when you feel so low (which is why seeking support from your GP is important) but it really will be worth it, and so much better than just existing.
Good luck!

[Snog]

OP I identify with a lot of what you say and have found counselling very helpful. Have you had any counselling?

[settingsitting]

I presume that you are not intending to have children yourself?

[kirsten123]

No I am not intending to have children myself. In fact, I just told my mother for the umpteenth time that I wish she had aborted me because she has given me a huge burden by bringing me into this world and then making me feel guilty because I'm not grateful.

If I could go back in time and give her the knitting needle, I would.

[kirsten123]

I don't want counselling or drugs because I feel like actually I see things clearly and I can't understand people who just get on with life. WHY? WHY BOTHER?

[settingsitting]

With respect, I dont think that you are seeing things clearly.

This all must be very upsetting for your mother.

[settingsitting]

I get the impression that you give things out harsh and take things harsh.

[kirsten123]

It's only my parents I can really be honest with about just how bad I feel. Probably everyone else would be astonished that I felt this way.

It all just feels so bloody unfair - I don't want to be here, causing a stress to my parents but no-one bloody asked me, did they?!

Can it ever be ok to just end it, like a mercy killing? Couldn't they just (eventually) accept that this was for the best?

[settingsitting]

I am glad that you can be honest with your parents. I think that that is important.

tbh, I did think a few times myself about bringing children into the world, as the world is not always a friendly place.
But I decided to in part because I thought that they might like to be born. But I did appreciate that it was a bit of a risk[they seem fine so far].

I dont personally agree with mercy killings as I am a christian so it goes against my faith/belief.

[lombardy]

I actually totally get this. Not everyone wants to be saved and not everyone thinks life is worth living. I too feel like I have had enough of life so much of the time, not because I am depressed, life just isn't enough for some people, it is boring and no amount of "living" is going to make it feel worthwhile, especially when the living is just years and years of boredom, negative experiences and disappointment? Why would anyone want to continue? If life is not fulfilling, then why should someone have to continue just for the sake of it to stop others feeling guilty or bad?

We are always fed this lie that life is so precious but for some people it is truly horrific or boring and not an enjoyable experience. And I hate the fact that if you don't enjoy life you are automatically branded depressed or that the problem is with faulty neurology rather than being pragmatic and honest that life just isn't all its cracked up to be.

[crashbandicoot]

hi kirsten i feel exactly the same as you. i think that post industrialised societies are crap. families are spread out all over the place. people are lonely. we are educated in order to be workers and find fulfilment through work but this is a lie. most people have jobs not vocations. mine is ok but it is hard knowing that in reality i could be sacked at a moments notice and to avoid poverty etc i need to keep the good employee act up for the next 30 years. we are supposed to smile while we 'suck it up'.

some people manage to get the full package 2.4 kids health relationship meaningful work etc and if you don't get these things then it's hard. it's no use blaming society as 'society' doesn't give a f*ck. so you blame yourself or parents and this leads to depression which makes you feel worse.

some people find solace in nature but since darwin wrote that all livings things even plants are in a struggle for survival against one another i know longer feel so comfortable with the innate beauty of nature. i also saw some male ducks gang rape and kill a female duck once and that has stayed with me also cos ducks are meant to be benign but they are also ruthless iyswim.

from most of the things i have read on this post having children is supposed to give life more joy and meaning but if you try for kids for that reason you will probably be told that you should not bring children into the world to give your life meaning. i dont have children btw and might not due to infertility. i am also severely depressed and seeing a psych and cpn.

i constantly think of suicide but know that i cant act on it because i dont want to cause pain to my family but fantasing about it does temporarily make me feel better. one thing that did make me feel better today was pruning a bush in a community garden. i went in and they told me what to do and i focussed on pruning and it gave me some respite from my thoughts for an hour.

is there anything like this or near your parents that you could try maybe? i also am volunteering as a brownie leader and at a night shelter for destitute asylum seekers where we cook food and sleep on the floor of a church. i did this because i thought if i could find people worse off than me i might feel better (perverse as this may sound). however the asylum seekers are so accepting and positive about their situation that it is quite humbling tbh and i found that they cheered me up rather than the other way round.

with regard to a move i dont see what harm moving back to your parents can do if you are only really existing at the moment anyway. but perhaps rather than just doing nothing all the time you could spend a small amount of time volunteering in a few things. not because you care passionately and want to make the world a better place but just because you don't know what might come of it. and it might help the days pass quicker. nb i have worked out that if i live till i am 70 i will have 15000 days left on this earth and i am embarrased to say that i am counting them down. this will seem horrific to people who are struggling to survive cancer etc and i dont want to offend but this is where my head is at.

[MalibuStacy]

I wish she had aborted me because she has given me a huge burden by bringing me into this world and then making me feel guilty because I'm not grateful.

I will not kill myself but basically I'm your problem now.

What awful things to say. Your poor parents

[CillaBlacksOrangeBouffant]

I get where you're coming from except I had children in the hope it would change my mindset, but it didn't. I was just treading water until I could slip away quietly bur now my dd is pregnant and I feel that I have stayed around because she and the baby will need help.

It's as if I have lived my life to assist other's needs whileno one has ever eeven tried to help me with mine.

I'm just waiting for the day that I can shuffle off without a fuss or any guilt.

[crashbandicoot]

sorry to hear that cilla. it's terrible that so many of us feel this way. maybe we should start a 'hate living' thread where we don't need to pretend..
.
think i might just do that!

[CillaBlacksOrangeBouffant]

Do it crash please. I'll join you

[crashbandicoot]

just done it cilla!

[lombardy]

I wish there was a button you could press and you could just cease to exist. One of the reasons I haven't done anything (apart from the guilt of leaving my kids/family) is that I am scared of the process of dying - the pain etc and I don't think there is any method that guarantees a pain free death except perhaps a drug overdose. But the thought that death is exactly the same as what you were before you were alive i.e. nothingness is really comforting to me. I didn't exist for billions of years and I wasn't bothered. I won't exist again and that doesn't bother me either.

[kirsten123]

TOTALLY get the "if you could just press a button" thing.
I would have flipped the switch when I was about ten years old!!

[Pandora37]

Although I feel awful for your parents I understand where you're coming from. I feel much the same sometimes. Absolutely everything has gone wrong in my life so far, I've fucked up everything, mostly regarding my career. I wish I could go back to being 18 and start over. I have no idea what I'm going to do jobs wise and it's very frightening as I'm not really qualified to do anything and have little experience despite spending most of my life in education. My interpersonal relationships are a disaster and I have barely any friends. I do wonder what exactly the point of it all is. I can't see it ever getting better, as every time I feel happy or something good happens, something comes along to ruin it. I know life is full of ups and downs but my life seems to be full of one disaster after another. I'm not suicidal but I've accepted that I'm never going to be truly happy. In fact, I'm scared to be happy now. What's the point in even trying when I know it will be destroyed not long after?

As for just existing at your parents, I did that when I was 21 after I graduated from uni and had no idea what to do with my life. It was awful. I spent every day staring at the same four walls, I had no purpose, and as another poster said time went very slowly. I'd never felt so low in my life. I can understand how you feel though as being in a job you hate is awful and soul destroying. Going back to your parents could be a good idea as long as you're not stuck there forever and have got something to keep you busy otherwise you could end up feeling worse. But yes, the main reason I have never attempted suicide is because I don't want to upset my family. I don't really enjoy life, I just plod on because I don't have any other option. It makes me feel guilty that people who desperately want to live are dying. I've never come anywhere near close to death. Just goes to show how deeply unfair life is.

Another reason I haven't attempted suicide is because there's a tiny, tiny, tiny piece of me that thinks maybe one day I won't be depressed and my life will be better. I can't imagine that it will be but that tiny piece of hope has somehow kept me going. I'm beginning to lose hope now though.

[NanaNina]

I too go to bed each night hoping for a nice quiet fatal heart attack. I have been suffering from severe depression (on and off) for the past 5 years and it's just getting worse. None of the pills work and neither does the therapy. I am aged 70 and have a DP (been together 40 years) adult kids and grandchild, all of whom I love dearly and this is what stops me when I am having strong suicidal thoughts.

However I am getting to the stage where I feel I have to stop worrying about "passing my pain on to loved ones left behind" and do something about my pain. Someone mentioned overdosing but there is no way that we can know what is a fatal dose of anything and what would just leave us still alive but with more health problems. I have a plan that I think is pretty foolproof but whether I have the courage is another matter. The thought of another 5,10,15 years of this is too much to bear. Sad but true.

[yellowwhiterose]

Kirsten

I have to admit I woke up with very black thoughts today: they had been plaguing me all night really. Like you, I just couldn't see anything good or positive or happy about life.

It's so hard isn't it? My feelings are very reactive - I'm responding to two quite horrible things that have recently happened to me - so I know I don't normally feel like this.

Are you on medication of any sort? I've always been quite anti-drugs but I may have a chat to my GP and / or a counsellor, not sure yet ...

I am a year older than you, single and my work situation is a bit rubbish as well. Are you near me? You sound, in the nicest possible way, like you need some friends! Xx

[Lucked]

I don't have feelings extreme as you but I recognise life can be hard and I used to think reincarnation would be the cruelest form of afterlife. My attitude has changed as I have got older, married and had a family.

If you have nothing to lose why not see what medication, counselling and whatever else you can try do for you? It may help you see all the things you currently can't. You seem to de in denial that you are depressed. Depression is an illness and can be treated.

I don't think you can lay this at your parents door. You can't blame them and be angry at them for having a child, they did not have a crystal ball and can't take it back. Having a child is a normal and reasonable thing to do and they are in no way guilty of anything.

I agree that if you simply exist in your parents house things will get worse. Also if you are doomed to be miserable why ruin three peoples lives?

[yellowwhiterose]

I could be wrong kirsten but are you angry with your parents about something other than creating you?

I carry a lot of anger towards mine. The love was there but I was angry too and the two got very muddled and mixed up.

[DaddyBeer]

OP I do get where you're coming from. Trust me, I really do get it. But, as Liam Neeson's Jedi said to Obi-Wan, "Your focus determines your reality".

Now, this is an uncomfortable truth to swallow. Highly uncomfortable. Yet it is, I believe, unarguable. And argue it with me (or yourself) if you wish. You won't win. I know I didn't.

So what's the answer? Well, as life is inherently complicated once we're adults, there is no simple answer. What is true, however, is that there are many simple, incremental answers. Pieces of the puzzle, if you will.

One thing about life that's true? Things are rarely what you expect them to be. They may be better, or worse, or maybe just neutral. But I guarantee you they will not meet your expectations. And you will not know this for yourself until you step out.

Life can be hard. Really hard. But at the end of the day, it is largely a matter of perception. Depending on one's point of view, this is either fortunate or unfortunate.

Offer a bit more of yourself to the world. Something small and manageable. And see what happens. It won't be what you expect.