i'm sick of everything, i just want to be happy. handholding?

[CrayolaCocaColaRocknRolla]

i've posted before i think and i still don't know what to do.
the anxiety, paranoia and depression gets progressively worse, then better, then worse again. constantly up and down. feel crappy constantly. feel like DP's gonna leave me because I never let things go and I'm always complaining so it makes it worse. breakdowns at work.
I'm on the pill and i think the hormones are driving me actually insane. i don't know what to do as won't use anything else. won't fit the coil as i'm childless, and i won't have injection/implant. guess i bring it on myself, really.
can't take st johns wart
i don't know what to do, where to go. who to talk to.
i'm sick of feeling like i'm nothing really.
i'm too scared to see a councillor because the last one told me my self harm and depression when i was 14 was my fault. i walked out. i'm just too scared.
i need help.
my head is going off on one.i'm sick of it.
someone tell me what i should do, please, i'm desperate

[settingsitting]

I dont know everything, but is there a reason that you wont consider the implant?

[LastingLight]

Are you on any medication other than the pill? Have you ever seen a psychiatrist? That counselor sounds awful, please try someone else.

[bluebell345]

I hope you will feel better soon.
but I think you need to speak to your gp and discuss the pill, to continue or try other options.
you can speak about your anxiety, depression to them and can get help.

[CrayolaCocaColaRocknRolla]

I have the doctors on wednesday for my Pill Checkup.
setting I don't want any injections as needles give me anxiety attacks
Lasting no medication. I only take paracetamol when I need it and even then I don't like it! I took two this morning as I've just come on. Hurts like a bitch to say the least but the paracetamol hasn't done anything! I want to, but I don't know where to go, who to ask or even if I need to pay. I can't afford it.
blue Thank you, and yes I will on Wednesday, going to see if they can sort anything out. They wanted me to do CBT but I work and don't have time. They told me to do it online but it was crap.

[LastingLight]

Tell your doctor what you told us in your original post.

[Lottapianos]

Here, hold my hand. I understand that fear that you will never had a sane moment ever again and everything feels utterly overwhelming all the time. It's petrifying. It will pass though.

A few thoughts:

Re contraception - I currently use the pill but used the Mirena coil successfully for 3 years. I suffer from anxiety and depression but it had no impact on my symptoms. Insertion was quite painful and I was a bit tender for a few days but after that it was 3 years of no periods, no cramps, nothing unpleasant. I know everyone is different but I would recommend it very highly. Would you consider condoms as an alternative?

Do you have any idea what is causing your anxiety and depression? I know it's not always easy to be sure what is at the bottom of it.

The counsellor you saw aged 14 was highly irresponsible and unprofessional. What a horrible experience for you. Not all therapists are like this. I discussed my urges to self harm with my therapist and she didn't bat an eye lid, but did help me to think through what the consequences would be if I were to go through with it.

Psychotherapy has been my way out of the darkness. I really do believe that severe anxiety and depression can be just too scary to go through on your own, without an experienced professional to guide you. I did take anti depressants for 6 months and they gave me some breathing space from the relentless misery but its therapy that's making the most difference. And now that I'm out of the worst of it, healthy eating, sleeping lots, exercise and general self care are keeping me off medication.

I'm so sorry you're having such a horrendous time OP. Please keep posting if its helpful

[CrayolaCocaColaRocknRolla]

lasting I plan on!
and lotta thank you - in reply -
Contraception: I am really too scared to have it done as people say it's painful! Condoms - I am in a long-term relationship we are both clean etc and as well, the smell and the feel of them turn me off completely so I (and he!) can't use them. People think i'm strange for this, but they're disgusting!
And it all stems from bullying that I aren't able to let go of. It was years ago but it was from the start to the finish of school, then afterwards from one person. But, what they said hurt and it really affected me. Back then I self harmed and contemplated suicide a few times. Nearly 2 years clear of self harm but the urge comes back sometimes.
I need to eat healthier, I've started going to the gym, but I'm not interested, I can't tell you one thing I am interested in.
My only worry is having to pay for therapy.

[Lottapianos]

I'm kind of with you on the condoms issue - they are quite grim and smell horrendous! My Mirena insertion was painful but the doctor did tell me that I have a particularly short and sensitive little womb which smasms as soon as anyone looks at it, so your experience may well be entirely different! It was a few days of pain to get 3 years of no bleeding and no discomfort. So I would still recommend it.

I pay my therapist 40 for a 50 minute session so that gives you an idea of what you might be looking at. There are some charities who offer significantly reduced rates - someone else may have information about them.

That lack of interest is typical of depression, isnt' it? I wasn't able to start looking after myself until I had come out of the really acute stage.

Well done on moving on from self harm. As my therapist told me, there are lots of different ways you can get through this, lots of options open to you, but not things that harm you or anyone else. They are all just counterproductive, however good they feel at the time.

I wish you all the luck in the world on your journey. Feel free to PM me if its useful, or just keep posting. You will get loads of support on here

[SilverStars]

Hi the NHS can offer you short term talking therapy for free but it is when NHS workers are at work so you may need time off your job to attend if it is in the day. The advantage of paying is you choose who, when, where and how many sessions.

Cbt sounds good - can you find out how many sessions you can get for free on NHS and then when offered it ask your employer for flexible hours for those session, make it up at an appropriate time etc?

It is hard. I used to work full-time in a job and having waited 9 months to get to top of the list for my NHS sessions my employer would not let me be released for an unknown amount of weeks - but I think cbt is set sessions which may help? So I had to go private and then stopped sessions.

[CrayolaCocaColaRocknRolla]

I've had too much time off work and although I don't want to go to work, I'd rather be there, if you get me. I'd rather not have to worry. if it was at 6 it'd be fine, i hate taking time off work because I'm scared I'll get sacked.

[Lottapianos]

Crayola, my appointments are at 6pm so I have never had to take time off work for them. My therapist is private though

[superstarheartbreaker]

The pill made me crazy. I came off it and now have the copper coil. Totally painless and absolutely fantastic. Also ads help. I recommend the copper coil but you may need meds too until you are more balanced. No shame in it.

[CrushedVelvet]

So sorry to hear you feel so bad.

Suggest you discuss with your GP, and perhaps consider a short term of antidepressants. If they work they may break the cycle your'e currently in and give you more energy to see a better counsellor than the one you had the misfortune to encounter before.

I'm one month into a 6-month course of fluoxetine (Prozac) and it appears to be helping enormously. For the previous few months I was bursting randomly into tears, particularly bad during 2nd half of menstrual cycle. I couldn't cope with behavioural issues with my son, and was obsessing about my brother's death last year. I'm not dancing in the streets now, but I feel a lot calmer and more in control, I seem to have more sensible perspective when dealing with my son, and I am now working my way through some self-help books in an attempt to give myself more long-term strategies for coping.

Good luck.