feeling like a hopeless mum

[bettybootoo]

feeling down at the moment and that I can't do anything right. I have a three year old little boy who can be a handful at times, but is just a little scallywag who I'm sure is just doing what three year olds are supposed to do but I feel like everyone is judging me when he misbehaves. It is taking over my life I can't think straight imagining that everyone dreads us going to their house and imagining that nursery dread him going. I am frightened to ask if he has been good at nursery in case they tell me that he hasn't. When I am having a good day I can see that this is not the case and that I am being irrational but I am not eating or sleeping properly and am very emotional all the time. I am sure that my friends and family are sick of me which is why I have written here. I am already on ad's as I had a problem five months ago when he went through a week of lashing out at nursery but this was solved after one week and has been fine ever since. I think I lost confidence in him then and cannot seem to get it back. Does anyone else feel like this or is it just me? Sorry to go on but it is good to talk without feeling guilty about upsetting people around me.

[manamana]

Just saw your post and wanted to send a message to say I am sure there are others here with more experience but I have friends with 3yo, they are little scamps and I am sure you are doing a fantastic job - just sounds like you need someone in RL to give you a hug and some practical support, maybe its worth talking to your gp as well about your medication - i don't know much about depression but maybe it is working as well as it should or maybe you need some different help. Anyway, have got to go and pick my lo up - he's 1yo and just started biting other babies at nursery which makes me feel awful so i know a little bit how you feel but i guess there's much more to come...

[bettybootoo]

Thanks for your reply. Made me feel better. Try not to worry about your little one biting. I have friends whose children did that too and nurseries have seen it all before, perhaps I should listen to my own advice!! I think all children find something to do that we don't like it's just so hard when they are little and just learning. I am going to try to start afresh tomorrow with a smile. I really do have alot to be grateful for I just think I'm a bit tired at the moment which is making things harder. Will start with an early night. Thanks again for replying. I think I just needed to speak to someone without thinking I was worrying anyone. xx

[divastrop]

my 3yo is a handful,and went through a stage where the nursery staff were taking me to one side every time i picked him up,to tell me he'd hit or pushed someone.i went home in tears a couple of times,thinking he was going to get expelled or something!this was not long after i'd had dd2 and i was suffering from depression,and everything seemed awful and i felt so useless and crap!
now ds2 is still a 'character' but he doesnt hit out or anything anymore,and looking back i can see the nursery were only telling me those things cos they had to.they always said not to worry,that all the kids had their moments and they were used to it.
somebody said to me once,'if ur 2.5 yo son was sitting in the corner quietly and not wanting to run around etc,then i'd be worried '

[CountTo10]

betty sorry to hear you're having such a time of it. I'm experiencing something similar at the moment although my ds is only just coming up 2. Its horrible to think that people don't want to be around your child but as my best friend said to me today, each and every child has their moments and phases and yours is no exception but they will come out of it and learn to adjust their behaviour as they develop just as others start to kick off their own behaviour quirks!! What I have started doing is to look for triggers or aggravating situations and once I can see things are going to go into a bit of a spiral I remove him from the situation as its as much a drag for them to be told off all the time as it is for us to do it. Also I find the more stressed out I get about it, the more it seems to rub off on ds. Divastrop is right about the nursery thing - they have to tell you about bad behaviour displayed by your child just as much as they have to tell you when your child has been the victim of it. Don't underestimate yourself as a mother but also as a human being because y

[CountTo10]

you are just that.....human!!!

Sorry got a bit carried away!!!

[juliemum]

I've just joined this because I'm feeling very low and totally useless!! Toddler 2.5yrs, baby 8months (boys)I'm full time Mum, hubby works nights. Since birth of bb2 I'm not myself and feel angry all the time. Toddler is testing me constantly (no, don't want to , i want this, tantrums etc etc) I'm keep losing it and becoming agressive (not violent, more shouting hysterically). I now feel his tantrums and shouting are simply him copying me! I have not more patience and every meal time and bath time ends in tears (including me!). Little baby has heart defect and I feel I can't look after him as his brother takes all my energy. I just want to run away, how on earth am I going to cope for the next 5 years? Does anynoe have any good calming techniques for Mums-at-end-of-tethers??

[EmsTomot]

Juile, do you have anyone who can take care of your todler for a couple of hours a week to give you a break?
I don't have experience of toddlers yet, but do know how guilty you can feel with a young baby and the care you think you are or are not giving (my boy is eleven weeks old) but I am positive that you are doing the right thing, especially if you are tired and agitated - it shows how much energy you are putting into your days.
The thing I miss the most since becoming a mommy is a long warm soak in the bath...never seem to get the chance anymore. I don't remember feeling relaxed like I used to since giving birth because all my time is on my baby and sometimes this really gets me down, especially at night when my husband is snoring and I am feeding.
I do let my son sleep after his first feed in my bed whilst I watch television or read a book - maybe your toddler could help his mom prepare breakfast in bed and watch some morning TV without tatrums and giving her a headache - ?

[bettybootoo]

Hi everyone. Picked Ds up from playschool today and plucked up the courage to ask how he had got on. They said great! Which made me feel alot better and I have had a lovely afternoon with him and feel like my cloud is lifting slowly. I think all of your messages confirmed to me that this is something that they go through unfortunately and that everything may all be alright in the end after all. Thanks again for the messages it's nice to know you are all out there.

[bettybootoo]

Hi Juliemum. Sorry took me a long time to reply and missed your message. You sound like a great mum who has alot on her plate at the moment. I am sure you are doing a good job. As for coping for the next five years I tend not to look that far ahead as alot can happen (often for the better)in that time. Just take each day at a time and I'm sure that as your little ones get older it will become easier. Hang on in there (((((HUGS)))))

[Vindaloo]

Hello there, I know how you feel about having a toddler (DD 2.6 yrs) who is a bit of a 'live wire' shall we say!! I have lost it quite a lot in the past (shouting and slapping on the bum) and I know its usually down to me being tired and stressed out. I recognised the problem was me as I felt DD was mirroring my action (also had nursery chat to me about her being rough with other kids in the past too!! That devastated me at first as I started to have visions of my child growing up as bully but I soon learned that there were other kids behaving the same way.

I had to do something for myself as I a way of channelling my anger somewhere else and also to have time just for me and to rediscover who me was (am a single mum too). I joined the gym which has helped lots and go and sit in cafes with a good book/magazine and a coffee and yes baths are so rare these days but great way to chill out, even for 15 mins. X

[gpz]

hi i went through the same sort of thing especially after my son was born but now i feel more able to cope. once i recognised that iwas trying to do too much i started to feel better. i spend more time on my own and spoiling myself now, even if its a bath or just hiding in the toilet reading a book! i did stuff for charity and lost loads of weight.i feel better about ME so im better with the kids (tho i still regularly lose my rag with them!)
i know its hard with kids but can you find some me-time -it def helped me?!?

[Pinky1]

Agree trying to do to much is the worst, im sure we would all agree we want to be this calm collected and rational person, but with a 3 year old its sometimes not possible.. although violence is not acceptable moddyness and stress is and im talking from experiance. We all have good and bad days just dont beat yourself up about the bad ones! and trust me if the nursery class felt there was a problem they would tell you!.

Mine had to go for a hearing test at the hospital etc though nursery reccomendation and it turns out he just ignore them as it wasnt 'what hw wanted to do'

Independance is hard when they are young. But you are glad of it when they get older as they dont just follow the others...

Keep you chin up your doing great x

[juliemum]

I never thought I'd get a reply! Thank-you for the hugs Bettybootoo , I didn't realise how much I was in need of a little encouragement! No-one's here to see what I'm doing, except hubby who has a 'real job with real stress' (hummm) Gald to hear things are calming down for you, there's hope!

Vindaloo - yes you're right it IS worse when I don't have any time for me, sport sounds like a good idea at the moment.

Emsttomot - unfortunately I live in France have no family around me; my parents in law are not very understanding, most of my friends are as snowed under as me! Toddler started mornings at nursery on Monday, so I'm going to have a couple of hours each morning to breathe.

Hope to chat with you again soon, it's really late now, I'm surrounded by ironing, haven't prepared the bottles ..ahhhh, I'm soooo tired!!

Take care all, ((((big hugs ))))

[Pinky1]

Take some 'me' time those mornings you will feel tonns better, take carex pinky x

[juliemum]

oh Pinky1, yours sounds just like mine with the 'ignoring' He ignores me when he's not interested in what I'm saying and at the moment yells "STOP TALKING" whenever I try to have a conversation with another adult, grrrrrr!!
xx

[Pinky1]

Yeah ive been there! you try nursery rhymes you get he 'Stop Singing!' food you get 'I dont like it !' am i right?

[EmsTomot]

Julie, really sympathise with the parent in law problem - my mother in law constantly critises me for the way I parent my baby - she knows best and it leaves me in bits. She has even told my son (not that he could understand) that she hopes he does not take after his mom, because she never does anything!
I am excited for you that you are going to get some morning time to yourself and your little one - make the most of it - make sure you sleep if your baby is sleeping - or put your feet up because there is nothing worse than cramming house work etc in when you could be relaxing.
Also, even though you are in France, this site gets rid of the distance between us mom's, I think it is excellent.

[divastrop]

juliemum,does ur husband get days off?he should look after the kids for a few hours to give u a break,then he will know the meaning of 'real stress!'.i have 3 yo and 9 month old,though the 3yo goes to nursery every day now and my dp isnt working at the moment so i am lucky i get alot of help!i have 2 older kids,age 8 and 7,there is only 11 months between them and their father was,at best,a waste of space.he thought i sat around all day watching tv when he was at work(when i had a 1 and 2 yo to run after) and it used to drive me mad.at that time it seemed like it would go on forever,but they are both in junior school now and although kids still cause u stress whatever age they are,its a bit easier when they are out of the way 6 hours a day and when they are home u dont have to watch them like a hawk in case they eat something they shouldnt/break stuff/burn the house down/try to kill each other.

[juliemum]

hi ladies

just come back from a legs/bums/tums work out, hubby put kids to bed! Feeling much more relaxed. Lovely to connect and hear from others - it really is great this site.

Are there any Mums out there who feel they've gone too far into depression and can't get out? I've had some days like that, I had really bad baby blues after no2 and don't seem to be myself since really. Bettybootoo how are you feeling now??

[EmsTomot]

Glad you had a better evening Juliemum and hope that you can keep lifting your moods. I don't know what it is like to be so low you can't find a way back up and hope that anyone who does feel like this can find help in some form because it is just not their fault and every mommy deserves to be happy the majority of the time.

[bettybootoo]

Hi Juliemum & ladies. Really glad to hear that you are feeling a bit more relaxed. I too have had another good day. This had been my first posting on mn and agree with you that it is great to share thoughts with other people like this. Will keep my fingers crossed that we all continue to get stronger. Only been badly depressed once before and didn't see how I would ever get better but I did. Think that's why I worried so much earlier this week when I started to feel anxious and stressed again.

[Vindaloo]

Well done Julie!! Hope you manage to keep it up and its great to get DH to do the bedtime routine. X

[Booklover]

I am so glad I found this threat, because I can really relate to how many of you feel. I have 2 gorgeous little kids (2.6 yrs and 7 months) and I am absolutely exhausted. I have no family in this country and although I know quite a few mums they are also all busy so nobody can look after my toddler while I concentrate on time with the little one. She seems to be a very happy baby though but I do feel guilty. Looking at nurseries at the moment but everything in London is just so expensive and not easy to live on one salary.

[EmsTomot]

Nursery hunting is terrible. I am facing the decision to go back to work in some capacity because we can't afford to live on one wage either. My old job was six days a week and mainly commission based, it simply isn't viable now because I could not leave my boy that long with a nursery and the ones I have visited are below the standard I would consider okay. I know the standard I would consider okay is probably unrealistic anyway and a part of me thinks that is because I don't want to leave him.
We had the opportunity to visit a friend today but we have been up all night as little 'lun has had a bad tummy for a couple of days, although he is a lot better, I just don't have the energy to go out in case it sets it all off again - so sometimes, even when you have the chance for company, you can't make the effort.

[Vindaloo]

Booklover - have you thought about applying for tax credits? I didnt know anything about this until a friend mentioned that I may be entitled to some financial assistence. My DD was in nursery when she was 3 months as I had no choice being a single mum to go back to work asap. I applied and (touch wood!!) have had no problems with the tax credit people. I have been able to get some child tax credit, working tax credit and some help toward childcare costs, which has been a god send and I simply couldnt do with out it.

Obviously it all depends on what your annual salary is, no harm in looking. X