once you've have had depression ,is it always there waiting?

[misdee]

i suffer blue spells, not as bad as my PND was, but definatly a lot bluer than before my PND days. do you ever really recover? or is depression, particually PND always there?

[IdrisTheDragon]

I'm not sure. I've realised recently that my depression is something which I manage to control (and I am a lot better at the moment than I have been for years) but I think it is always there. A bit like DH always has asthma, which he controls with inhalers.

[Kaz33]

I think it is still there always, you just manage to control it. I find being sociable, taking exercise and having goals help to keep it under control.

Strangely enough the times that it went away totally was when I was pregnant. Reason to have another baby??

[colditz]

In my experience, yes, it lurks beneath the surface like a shark, waiting for me to screw something up, then it SANPS and I start sinking.

[colditz]

Whereas mine has always been seriously made worse by pregnancy!

[exrebel]

always with me, started very young, and always will be with me. I can manage it, with and without AD, depends. but now it is back and struggling to control

it may not be the same for everyone, maybe someone has had it and never came back?

[misdee]

i know when i am slipping (am not atm so dont worry) and i always think, is it the PND still there, is it depression on its own, or am i just a miserable moo? i get these uncontrollable rages, about silly little things. one of the things that makes it worse is when i lose control of my life in other areas, when dh wasw in hospital i think i was teetering right of the edge for 14months, but never quite sainking enough. but now i feel so much more lighter and view life differently. i have the control back IYKWIM.

[colditz]

Oh those rages, misdee I know. god, I started a thred on here in feb because I frightened myself - dp hung up on my so I decimated the phone!

[misdee]

i destroyed many a mobile phone in my darkest days.

its terrible. i'd hate to be that bad again, but sometimes it just bubbling away underneath and i have to go and calm down before i explode.

[Emskilou]

I have suffered with it for years and had severe PND following the birth of my dd but not so much after ds, I think it is always there and agree its just a matter of controlling it. I tend not to hide my emotions anymore, that helps me. If I feel like crying I cry, if I feel like screaming/shouting I do it into a pillow away form the babies of course!

[Pyramid]

I think of depression as a bit like alcoholism.

Once you have it, it is always there in the background.

In the same vein, until you reach out and recognise that you have a problem you will not get the help you need, no matter how much others might push you.

[MrsFio]

I think it is always there I have suffered terrible anxiety and I stillf ear i will have a panic attack, its awful. This morning I have had to take Kalms, for no apparent actual reason other than i started to feel jumpy

[anorak]

I don't think it's that one bout of depression changes something inside you so that you will always be prone to it.

Rather I think that if you are the type of person who might suffer from depression then that is the type you are. By that I mean someone tolerant who doesn't crumble at the slightest thing.

I believe that people who lose their temper or fall to pieces every time something goes wrong never have emotions that build up enough to make them ill with depression. It is those of us who put up with things, soldier on, keep fighting, who are the ones who find sometimes it all gets too much for us.

So in that way I believe some people are vulnerable to depression and others never will be.

[MrsFio]

anorak, i think that is so true. i remember my counsellor saying that 'sopers' often suffer from depression because they are too busy 'coping' with everything and never thinking of themself

[Tommy]

IME , it lurks there but I can recognise when it is popping up from under the surface and I'm better equipped to deal with it

[Saturn74]

I was just about to post almost exactly the same as Tommy - you learn to recognise the signs, and can deal with it quickly.

[misdee]

glad its not just me who thinks like this then.

I have never fully returned to the happy no cares in teh world person before i have PND, and every so often i feel like i am slipping back.

but i am also an insomniac, which has gotton worse since PND, which doesnt help with my state of mind a lot of the time.

[Dior]

Message withdrawn

[Kaz33]

I think that i have always suffered from depression just not noticed it when I was younger.

One of the triggers I believe is over controlling, over demanding parents - so you always think that you are not living up to their expectations. Certainly I find myself putting ridicoulous demands on my behaviour or sometimes just totally giving up because I will never be good enough.

Never needed to or sought treatment, my DH is great anti-depressant. Since i met him my depression has mostly been under control. He puts no demands on my behaviour, or expectations as to what i will be achieving which I find liberating.

AT my recent wedding, my dads speech was c**p (despite doing public speaking for a living most of his life). He managed to say that he was expecting great things from me in the future - bollox, I will continue to under achieve just to piss him off. Sorry vent over, but its been bugging me for the last three months.

[accessorizequeen]

Realised over the last year or so that my depression will always be there, so I'd better learn how to deal with it. Psychologist told me some people under stress or going through big changes etc (e.g. having a baby, partner ill) default to faulty thinking e.g. black & white, generalising where other people don't. And whilst you can change how quickly you react to that/realise it's happening, you can't necessarily control the default. She gave me a story about a man walking down the street who fell into a hole & waited for ages for someone to help him out. The next time he fell into the same hole, and asked for help. The next time he fell into the hole, he climbed out on his own.

[Greensleeves]

Yes, IME. Mine has been there as a sort of low-grade drag since I was about 6. It's actually better now than it was when I was younger because I know what it is and have strategies for managing it - but it is always there. The asthma analogy is a good one. With effective management many asthmatics can go for years without an attack - but it's still always there and it means you have to live your life slightly differently.

[PrettyCandles]

Misdee, I think your situation is 'special'. You have to deal with some really rough stuff, and it doesn't go away. Have you really had a chance to recover? It's quite possible that, when the stresses you are under ease a bit, you will find that you have the opportunity to recover fully.

Certainly, in my case, I believe that my depression did eventually get better completely, due to a life-changing event. I had PND after my first child was born, and, although I had techniclly recovered, I always felt 'in remission' rather than 'well', but when my second child turned one I realised that I had not relapsed into PND. Yes, I'd had blue spells, but never as bad as PND. Finally I felt 'well' again.

But while I was in that knackering first 6m or so of 2nd-time-around-motherhood, when you don't know whether you're coming or going, I often agonised about whether I was succumbing again, and felt that I wasn't moving forward at all. So, TBH, I don't see how you could either. What you have to deal with is so much harder. You are amazing to be coping, and eventually you will get the opportunity to rest and recover fully yourself.

[kizzie]

Sorry to contradict some of the other messages here.

I DO belive that something changed in me when I got PND. Before the age of 30 I had never had any form of mental illness. No depression/ panic attacks etc. I had a very successful career and a lovely life.

I still have the career (just) and the lovely life (and the wonderful husband and fab, gorgeous children) but since I was first diagnosed 7 years ago 'it' has never completely gone away. Ive had periods when Ive been ok but despite very very slow withdrawals Ive never been able to manage without medication for any period of time.
Im just coming out of another serious bout and back at work but I do feel now that it'll be with me forever in some way or another.
Ive found this very very difficult to come to terms with but I think I need to if Im going to be able to move on.

Kizziex

[PeachyClairHasBadHair]

I don't think it is always- not if it is say, reactive to an event. I do think if you've had a couple of bouts of chemical depression, then it's far more likely to be a lurker. DH has lurking depression, rears up when he is tired or stressed. not always as severe as his first big bout though, and by and large we know what to do (rest!).

[anorak]

kizzie your problem sounds as if it might be hormonal. Have you investigated hormone imbalance. Some postnatal depression is a simple physical problem but once it sets in it becomes more psychological. Early hormone treatment gets rid of it for good for those patients.

[kizzie]

Hi Anorak - Id be really keen to get my hormones checked but dr not keen. I had IVF and Ive always thought that was some of the cause. (Dr has never been keen right from when I had PND.) Id be happy to get them done privately but not sure how to go about it. Has anyone else had their hormone levels checked?
Kizziex