So confused and can't see the logic in my own feelings

[CheesyBadger]

I just cannot work out what I am feeling at the moment and constantly doubt myself. I have a history of mild general anxiety which comes in waves, leaving me frozen in indecision, needing duvet days, not knowing what to do or where to start with things like housekeeping, paperwork, business matters. I find that I need a lot of space, and enjoy my own space, my own time, my own thoughts. I cannot function when things get too hectic and meltdown internally.

This year has been tough. My grandad died in February from a preventable illness and there are 2 inquiries ongoing at the hospital which are due to conclude in the next 6 weeks. I have a lovely group of fairly new friends but feel awful as they are so positive, lively, social, enthusiastic, and I just don't always feel like I fit. I am sometimes like this, but not always and cannot keep up the constant cheer leader level of life loving! They are always asking if I am ok if I want a day on my own or don't want to come round for drinks, BBQ etc.

I like the quiet life, have a wonderful life with dd and dp, and really just wonder if in fact I need to go easy on myself. I always feel like I am wrong, but the new girly gang I seem to be in are so not what I normally get into.

I have just turned down a weekend in Spain, not because I don't love the idea of a weekend away, but because I have over analysed and worried myself into not going. I can't bear the thought of the build up, the shopping, the comparing clothes, packing ideas, countdown! If we could just book it and go, then great, but it's all the bouncing about which I find hard.

God I sound like such a misery! I'm self employed and not earning enough to pay for myself so would have to ask dp. Whilst he says its fine, I don't want to. I just feel like I need to back away from it all, the socialising is just too much for me.

I don't know what's going on, my gut says I'm fine, it's ok, but my mind says I am stupid, boring. The year has been so tough, I need a retreat!

Don't know why I'm posting, just needed to write it down before I pop

[ButEmilylovedhim]

You sound like an introvert to me! I'm like that too, need my own space, need a break from people even after 'fun' events. You've just lost your Grandad, in traumatic circumstances. Of course, you're not going to feel super sociable and outgoing just now, especially now. You need to give yourself a break, you're NOT stupid or boring, it's just how you're made AND you've had a sad, difficult time that isn't over yet.

Your friends sound nice, but would be a bit full on for me! I'd say they are all extroverts and get their energy from being busy and being with others. Can you stay on the fringes and drift in and out as you are able?

There was a really good blog about this on mumsnet the other day. See if you can find it. It summed me up totally! I've got a job interview and two parties within three days, the parties on the same day next week. I will be good for nothing for a few days afterwards. Unless someone is the same, that sounds a bit wet but it’s just how I am and I've learnt I have to work with it. If I keep pushing I end up getting very down and have had depression previously so I have to be careful. Take care of yourself OP. I'm very sorry about your grandad

[CheesyBadger]

I've just burst into tears reading your reply! That is so me! When I read that you had all those things going on one after the other my stomach clenched, no down time, would knock me sideways too.

I am trying to drift in and out, but one of them said I was very elusive, and cannot believe that I wouldn't want to be with people all the time. I really don't, and don't need to be. They seem to shrivel if they don't send 100 texts a day and see each other at least three times a week. I just can't do it.

I had never considered that I was an introvert, as sometimes I can be the life and soul, but only if I am charged up enough from alone time. Thank you so much for your reply, you have made my evening. I will go and look for the other thread

[CheesyBadger]

Oh my god. I have just googled introvert. Thank you! I cannot thank you enough, I feel so overwhelmed. I actually fit somewhere and am not abnormal. Bloody hell, who knew!?

[ButEmilylovedhim]

Ah, so pleased I was a bit helpful! I think if people are heavily extraverted, as your friends sound to be, they just can't understand that some people need a bit of time on their own as it is almost painful to them. They hate being alone and down-time as much as we need it!

The article was about parenting as an introvert, but was generally about introversion too. The writer said that a playdate, a work meeting and a lunch with friends (or something like that. Don't recall entirely now) over two days would be far too much to be comfortable. So nice to read that, I didn't feel so unique! Thank you for your empathy on the interview and parties! Goodness knows how I'll cope if I actually get the job! (Have been a SAHM for quite a long time!) But will cross that bridge if I come to it. They would be happy with a job share and although we need the money, I think part-time would be more sensible for me. I still have to be a mum. Can't stick my head in a book all the time!

There are a lot of books now, about being an introvert. Quiet by Susan Cain is one, but there seem to be lots just now.

Take good care honey, lots of love to you x

[ButEmilylovedhim]

Cross-posted! I know it is amazing, isn't it! Explains so much. Such a relief, huh? When I need to stare into space, doing nothing and talking to no one, I just can accept it and take it as a sign that things are getting on top of me and somewhere I have done too much, even if it looks like nothing to others! (Some days, talking to the other mums at school is a big ask and I'm worn out when I get home, so much energy has gone into it!) So pleased you've found out! x

[JaneParker]

If you don't like lots of friends - lots of us are like that - why have you got this group of them? Why not just be yourself with a lot of time alone? There is no rule book which says all people are always happy when constantly on the go with friends. In fact those who need attention from other people and constant activity are less happy than loners.

[Cailleach]

I am very like you and was diagnosed last year with Aspgerer's syndrome.

I like people a great deal but can't spend lots of time with them otherwise my brain just flatlines, as I have to make a massive effort to remember all my "social scripts" to seem normal. I don't respond well to stress, either, and I hate holidays abroad as I find organising everything, travelling and being away from familiar routines far too stressful.

For a long time before I was diagnosed I felt like a horrible person for not liking the things other people like; now I know why that is I have just given up on trying to be like everyone else. My brain just isn't built that way.

Note that I am not saying this is what you have, just that there are lots of people out there that struggle with the same things. If things stress you out too much and they are non-essential to life, feel free to let them go and don't feel bad about it.