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Mumsnet hasn't checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you have medical concerns, please seek medical attention.

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Mumsnet hasn't checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you have medical concerns, please seek medical attention.

Mental health

Need to rant about stupid things...

50 replies

koshka1984 · 06/09/2006 23:10

Oh god where to start...
I have a 2 month old baby and he is lovely.

My DP and I split up around this time last yaer when he was sleeping with mt close friend, he told me he was just 'talking' and stuff (we all wroked together) he dumped me to be with her and after a while we got back together, i got PG by mistake and he was really happy and we got back together properly.

We had to move out of our house, as i could not afford the rent bills etc on my own and DP does not have a very well paid job so we now live with my mum.

He works nights and on his nights off he sometimes goes out, but he says i cant go with him, beacuse he will bw at work and might end up working. He never gets home before 4am 6 mostly when he goes out.

At work i am supposed to be going back but they have reassigned the hours i could actually work as DPs hours are all over the place.

But anyway. If i ever get some sleep all i do is have nightmares that my DP is going to leave me (the ones about my LO being hurt have stopped mostly thankfully).

He texts his ex and has phone calls he does not answer when im around.
I know i should trust him but i feel so low and scared and alone at the moment.
I just wish i could talk to someone, but all of my friends i met through DP, they are all younger than me (im 21), like 18 and none of them have children or even want them.
I just need some help and i really dont know what to do. All i do is want to cry and i cry in the shower so no-one knows.

Thanks if you have managed to get to the end of this. Thanks for listening (or reading!)

x

OP posts:

Report

nearlythree · 06/09/2006 23:13

Oh, sweetheart, you are going through it.

koshka1984 · 06/09/2006 23:14

oh i dont want to feel sorry for myself just wanted to get it out, if you know what i mean.

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FrogBellyRatBone · 06/09/2006 23:16

koshka. Can you talk to your mum about how you feel ?

koshka1984 · 06/09/2006 23:18

not really. She just says if he didnt want to be here he wouldnt, but he cant go anywhere else. i sort of know his pattern.
She thinks the sun shines out of his bum!

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FrogBellyRatBone · 06/09/2006 23:30

You're bound to be feeling overwhelmed by things at the moment - it's only natural, what with all the hormones flooding around. Is your ds sleeping well? Are you ? Be kind to yourself, and allow yourself time to adapt x

wrinklytum · 06/09/2006 23:50

Koshka

Congratulations on your new baby.

I think you neeed to take some time out and chat to your dp about your worries.Could your mum take your baby for a couple of hours so you can get out together?

It is normal to feel low and tearful at times when your baby is this little.Blummin hormones etc.You have just gone through a huge life change.If this sadness is continual and doesnt go away though and you feel really down I would suggest you see your gp/hv.

There are lots of groups you could join to meet other new mums.Ask your hv.If you are in a sure start area they usually have a programme of activities ie baby massage/swimming etc.When baby is a bit bigger there are mother and toddler groups.

Dont worry about work yet.I take it you have 6 months leave??

Regarding the dreams if it helps I had strange dreams about harm coming to both mine when they were tiny.I think its a protective mechanism in our brains!!Used to imagine I was ging to drop them etc.

Look after yourself,hon.Sleep when you can and love your gorgeous baby.Accept help from your mum.

Hope it works out with your dp.

Take care

koshka1984 · 07/09/2006 07:59

i have to worry about work at the moment, as i have to request new hours by tuesday next week. They thought i had to be back on 21st September, but i am going back on 13th november.

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prettymum · 07/09/2006 08:29

hey, just wanted to give you a big hug!!

i think you should talk about your feelings with your partner. im 21 and all my friends are at uni and i am the only one with a baby.

when i get all depressed i tend to bottle up my feelings and end up crying in the shower and give dp the cold shoulder. but he hates it when i do that because he just feels crap. when i end up telling him how i feel i feel so much better, he always has the right things to say and i feel so much better!

i dont have my familys support because as a bengali, they wanted me to be with one, but i got with my partner who is jamaican and have 2 dc with him, it went against all their 'values' and dont want nothing to do with me.

sometimes it can feel very lonely because i was used to having all my friends around but i just keep myself busy with dc i dont have time to think about things and dwell on them and make myself all down.

speak to your dp and see how you feel afterwards. xx

koshka1984 · 07/09/2006 08:29

Feeling really low at the moment. i knmow that people have it a lot worse than me but i still cant shake it off. i felt like this when i was PG, and i decided that when id had the baby i was going to do something stupid, but i know im too much of a coward to do that.
My boyfriend feels like my life and if he leaves again i do not know how i will cope. im crying now just thinking about it.
I knew that when i was PG i was going to make a mistake but i was so happy.

Now i just dont know what to do. Im scared that if the HV knows how i feel she will take him away from me. I would NEVER hurt my baby. i love him and i could never do anything but im terrified i will drop him or something!

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prettymum · 07/09/2006 08:42

everyones feels like how you are feeling, dont feel alone, you just had a baby and you end up forgetting to look after yourself. can you leave your baby with your mum for a few hours so you can go out and get some time off from being a mummy.

i was crying the other day because i felt like i couldnt cope with the two children and my dp was working 8-8 shift, but its hard at the beginning where money is always an issue, so i need him to work, but its lonliness that becomes a huge issue, are you feeling lonely?

kimi · 07/09/2006 09:18

oh kosha love, no one is going to take you baby away just because you are feeling overwhelmed, also i DID drop DS1 and went sobbing to the hospital thinking i was the worlds biggest f*uk up of a mother, but the lovely nurse (who spent more time consoling me then DS1) said you would not beleive the number of parents who drop babies, and DS1 was fine.

As for your DP yes he is a very big part of your life, but he is NOT your life, you lived without him before and you could again if you had to (sorry if that sounds hard).
I am so sorry that you have been hurt so badly by the people you trusted, and i think you need to sit down with you DP and tell him that it is NOT acceptble for him to be in contact with that woman, and he if a father now and needs to grow up, step up to the play and stop going out till all hours like a single man.
But please please talk to the HV also see if there are any mother and baby groups near by you could go to, so you can meet other mums and chat.

kimi · 07/09/2006 09:19

*is a father

colditz · 07/09/2006 09:21

Why shopuld you trust him? I wouldn't bloody trust him! He sounds like he is being a complete cock.

nearlythree · 07/09/2006 20:39

How are you, Koshka? I think Kimi is so right in what she says. Your hv won't take your baby away. Do you know, before I had dd1 at age 30 I'd never changed a nappy...it's such a learning curve, but you do get there. It is is overhwelming when you have a new baby - the responsibilty, the change in your life - it's very hard. I found it took a year after I had my first baby before I felt back to normal, and my gp said it was the same for her. But each week, it gets a bit better. I've found that in the early days it is best to live in the moment and take each day as it comes.

Kimi is right about your dp, too. He's running away from a situation he can't handle and you are left with two kids to look after, IYSWIM. I think you need to be pretty specific about what you won't accept about his behaviour. You might think that your dp is your world but he ain't - it's that little guy in your arms. No man is worth getting so upset over, and it is certainly not worth feeling sad about when you have your ds to enjoy. And you deserve better.

You are a great mum who loves your ds. You've also been through so much lately. But you will get through this, and you will be stronger than you ever imagined. Tell yourself, this stage will pass, these feelings will pass, it won't last forever. Thinking of you.

koshka1984 · 07/09/2006 20:41

i know that i shouldnt trust him. i know i could live without him, i could cope because i have a supportive family.
when i met him i had a really small circle of friends. he brought out my confidence amd i made friends and without him i just go back to being an alone mouse who only had make believe frinds on mumsnet!
i just want to get out of the house and stop having nightmares i need to go to the doctors and get help i think. was very down when i was PG and i think its just got worse. bloody hormones.

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koshka1984 · 07/09/2006 20:42

thanks nearly three x

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nearlythree · 07/09/2006 20:50

koshka, people are your friends because of who you are, You don't need your dp or anyone else. And your friends here are real, too. I am honestly a real person, not a figment of your imagination! Ask your hv about toddler groups, and also Homestart.

Maybe seeing the doc will help, esp. as you could get signed off work which would be one less thing to worry about.

koshka1984 · 09/09/2006 11:12

hey.
my mum has taken my LO out and im going to go to bed! DP is at work so have the house to myself so its nice and can feel i can relax.

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koshka1984 · 12/09/2006 11:53

hey,
last night was hell.he went for a night out with this girl (i was not invited) and when he came back he spent all night texting her while we were in bed.
Hes told me that he is having problems and cant talk to me because he cant talk to someone he is involved with.

I saw one of the messages over his shoulder and it said 'can you make this lass happy?'
what?? i asked if hes happy and he says he isnt with my arsey moods, and he might leave me again if i keep being 'arsey' all the time.

now he has gone to work and i cannot cope. i cant stop crying and i just want to do something stupid like hurt myself.

Please if there is anyone out there i can talk to i dont have anyone else.

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koshka1984 · 12/09/2006 11:57

anyone? please?

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Carmenere · 12/09/2006 12:09

Koshka, he is not behaving as a partner should, he's offering you no support or showing you no love or concern. Not good enough really. Can you find the strenght to stand up for your self and your baby?
Really and truly do you see a future for your self with this 'man'? If not, don't be scared, you have stated that you have lots of support around you.
If I were you I would tell him to leave until he has decided what he wants to do with his life.
Please don't subject yourself to another night of sleeping in the same bed as a man who has such little regard for you that he doesn't bother to hide the fact that he is texting another woman
Tell him to leave until he knows how to behave.

Carmenere · 12/09/2006 12:10

And don't hurt yourself FGS, your baby needs you, if you have to hurt something/one cut up all his underpants

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koshka1984 · 12/09/2006 12:12

he says i need to stop being in a mood but i think it is just an excuse!
i had better go so i can stop crying my mum will be home soon.

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Carmenere · 12/09/2006 12:15

Don't listen to him love, he is behaving like tosser. Tell your mum that he was texting another woman last night and see what she has to say about him then! You need support and you are not getting it from him, throw yourself on the mercy of your mother, you need help and mothers can be better than expected, don't hide the tears from her. Good luck xxx

HumphreysCorner · 12/09/2006 12:17

koshka hun-I really don't know what to say. He is being totally unreasonable seeing and confiding in another girl and texting while you are there and spoiling your time with your baby boy. Have you any RL friends you can confide in. It isn't doing either of you any good being in the same house at the moment. Could he move out temporarily and meet up on neutral ground. It must be really difficult for you but as you know your main priority is being a mum to your gorgeous baby and you are a brilliant mum so don't doubt it. I don't know the full story but it would seem that if he won't attempt to sort things out then you are much better off without him.

Am hoping someone better at giving advice than me will be along shortly-keep bumping this hun.

xxx

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