When do you say enough is enough?

[LeChat]

I've 2 children, work for myself (I support the family) and am at the end of my tether.My partner and I have been having problems for at least 3 years, and it's got to the stage now where every time we disagree he says that it's just another nail in the coffin. In other words he's just waiting for the time when it's all over. I find him impossible to talk to - even about little insignificant things, as he always seems critical or difficult (eg if I'm trying to sort drop offs/pick ups from school etc)plus he's always intimating that I'm having affairs (which I'm not) added to snide comments or veiled digs when the kids are around so I can't respond....I could go on and on...I've always been 100% stay together if you've got children, but now I honestly don't know. I asked him to go to counselling with me which he said he'd do, but would sit in silence - wouldn't say a word. I'm feel so miserable all the time and just pretend everything's OK - just live for the days when the kids are around, then fall into depression the rest of the time - consequently work is suffering and I'm sure the children are picking up on the vibes. My health's not great either and i feel i get no support from him on this...I'm pretty sure i could manage financially, but can I really break up a family just because I'm unhappy? I keep trying to put my concerns to one side and do my best to be accomodating...all will be fine for a while, then we fall out and have another row and he says the most awful things - like our youngest isn't his (which isn't true)...he's said this many times...I feel so on my own...my mum died 3 years ago and I'm sure I'm not over that, and I feel unable to talk to my friends because I'm almost ashamed of how bad things have got...any advice would be great...please

[shebnem]

-you have tried it last 3 yrs and you were unhappy. its not a short time is it?
-do you think you will have a happier life(financially and emotionally) if you are seperated?
-your children will be happy?
-how about the contact issues of children with their father, will you be able to put it in order?

[LeChat]

Those are good straightforward questions...thanks.

No, 3 years isn't a short time. We had problems well before that, in fact were on the brink of splitting when I fell pregnant with my first 7 years ago.
Financially I would be OK as he doesn't contribute in that way -doesn't have a'job' though buys and sells and makes a little and does all the major DIY and decorating plus a good portion of the housework.
Emotionally - I know i would be happier from a personal point of view - but as for the children - I think it would be a long time before they settled down...they both love it when we're all together, so i can only imagine they will be devastated if we split...particularly my eldest. ..

As for contact - sorting it would be less difficult because he'd want to see them as much as possible - but obviously as i work this means that my time with them is very precious so I'd have some serious adjusting to do ...

I just don't know if I can do it to my boys, but I can see a lot of unhappyness for me if I don't, and I do wonder what effect him being like this willhave on them...it sounds so awful, but I wonder sometimes if theywill turn out 'better' if they are with him less. God, I know how that sounds, but I so want my boys to be positive and confident and ready to grab life by the you know what's...I don't know if they will the way things are now...

[shebnem]

-you cant continue an unhappy life, not good for you. we have only one life. and you may have different chances in the future.
-a happy mother means happy children.
-other than that as you said your children need a good father example (which is very important in my opinion) in front of them to become more successful, happy adults.
sorry i am writing in this form bcause it is really late, i will try to go to bed soon.

[LeChat]

Yes -I'm off to bed now too.
Thank you so much...this is really helpful. My mum used to say the same - about having one life..I probably know what i should do but don't have the courage as it will cause so much unhappiness. Thanks again - nite...

[Rosylily]

You know what? Its really hard to break up, hard being a single mum, really really hard to find a new man who will love your children. I was in a similar position to you and I fell in love with 'mr right' which made me unable to stay with husband. but mr right didn't want me! and I still live with the guilt. Now years later i am good friends with my ex, remarried to some one who is not better than the first, just different. And I am different. I didn't suddenly become happy! There was no other way for me and maybe not for you either. Take your time and look into how best to do it for the kids. How you do it makes a big difference to how the kids will cope.

[Loreleimeerfrau]

Hi Lechat
Would you be able to spend some time apart ie a holiday on your own with the children? This would give you both the chance for breather and maybe he might realise how much he is hurting you.
The trouble with men is that they don't face up to the fact that anything is wrong until the woman is halfway out the door.
Sounds like he has some anger or resentment issues against you. Men don't talk to us directly or address the issue - they bury their head in the sand and let their feelings fester. Even though he may have pent up feelings,he needs to know that he can't treat you this way - he is being cruel.
I know that it's hard to try to make him open up, but I think that that's the key.
Good luck.
Christine

[rosemadder]

Sounds like neither of you want each other anymore, LeChat. I was like you - Living in greyness for 3 years , whilst believing that parents should try, try and try some more and never split up. It's not good for dks to live in an unhappy house though; with role models that have to bite their tongues alot. Is one happy parent better than 2 miserable ones?

How old is your youngest? Why does your partner not support financially in the same way as you? & was that a joint decision? Have you ever called his bluff when he says the nail-in-the-coffin stuff? Did you both want kids in the first place? Were any of the counselling sessions ones where you were able to talk about each other, rather than to each other? We did, & rather than missing bits out because we were sick of arguing, we spoke up & it helped to figure things out. Does that make sense?

Hope i didn't just complicate things

[divastrop]

its harder to be in an unhappy relationship than it is to be a single mum,in my experience,no matter how hard u think its going to be.and most children just want their parents to be happy.
i would only ask one question,do u still love him?if the answer is yes,then do everything u can to make it work,if no,then end it when u feel strong enough to do so.
good luck x

[LeChat]

That's all such good stuff. I can't tell you how helpfulit is to hear other people's views.

Thanks

[Rosylily]

yes divastrop is right going it alone is do-able and if its what you know for sure you have to do, there will be a great sense of relief for you. There certainly needs to be a big change of some sort
It just seems you are already trying to do everything and he seems to feel inadequate hence the hurtfull put downs. Can you take any time off to go away on a retreat of some sort?
If you go 80% of the way to him it only leaves 20% for him to come to you. It is possible to be too good sometimes! you will burn yourself out!
I'm proud and I hate to admit I need my partner but when I do he comes up with the goods. So i think what I'm trying to say is, if you give up trying to hold it all together single handedly then he might come up with what you all need. A better balance. If it is saveable i think its not by you doing more but much, much less. iyswim.

[Rosylily]

let us know how it goes!