I hear that some of you might have ideas.. it's about my dad's long term depression..

[pupuce]

I posted the story here and Alexa suggested I try here... thanks
And if you don't want to go to the link... here is the post!

Your experience of long term depression please
I was inspired buy a post from VeniVidiVickiQV on another thread about missunderstanding depression.... I could use some help and wonder what your take is on the following.

My dad (67yo) was left by mother some 12 years ago.... they got back together for a little while but they are now completely apart and have not spoken for 7 years or so.
When my mum left my dad went into shock and the IMO depression set in. According to my mum he had tendencies for that before BUT nothing like now...
He is now living in a care home after we begged him to do this as living on his own in a council flat (not in this country) he would not feed himself a varied diet (ate fish fingers ONLY for months), would drink copious amounts of booze, not wash etc.
(He lost ALL and I mean ALL his money - hence the council flat and now the state care home which is horrible)

He has always refused to see a shrink for talking (it is everyone else's fault what is happening to him you see?!?!?!), he did go for a short while into group therapy but hated it.. "as they are all boring and he can't stand it"... He has been on many different AD given to him by 2 different GPs (who have tried hard to help him) and now a psychiatrist "but no one understands his problem" (he says). He has anxiety attacks which I don't think have ever been genuinely better with AD though I find him better sometimes... but never great... He still drinks... nowadays "he says very little alcohol"... 6 beers per day only and occasionally a bottle of wine on top!!!!!! (I would dispute the word occasionally as if I call past 7PM he is drunk).

Not sure what to think/do... I have given him and still do money. I don't call him as often as I use to as the conversation are arduous... he is depressed, what do I expect. He hates my mother with a vengence and keeps talking about how life use to be (we were well off but he lost all his money by unfortunate business problems... and no pension provision)... I could go on but wondered what those who have a relative suffer from depression can suggest.

Thank you for reading this long ramble !

[orangegiraffe]

How sadfro you all.
Do you have any other siblings or are you only child?

[pupuce]

I have a brother who for years ignored pretty much my dad... now has taken a bigger interest and it feels like he is where I was at 5 years ago " Oh dad said he would check himself into the psychiatric ward for 10 days"... me " No he won't.... Him: he said he would... Me: let's just see... and of course I am right .
Same goes for alcohol or anything else... my brother believes everything he says.... I am just use to him being too depress to get himself proper help!

[pupuce]

bump?

[MissyCocker]

Pupuce, I went through pretty much the same thing with my mum, bar the drinking, for many years.

She had a terrible breakdown, which led to divorce and my Dad getting custody of my sister and I. She lived, by herself, for years, in a council flat, being miserable.

I don't know what to suggest, because in that situation, I wanted to help her, but hated spending any time with her because I found her so draining to be with, or even speak to. I ended up treating her like some kind of charity case rather than a Mum, and ended up quite resentful of her. She was, and still is, on ADs.

I wonder how your Dad behaves with other people, I remember that she would phone me up with this dreary mournful voice all the time, but caught her on several occasions being relatively cheery with some of her other friends, I think that perhaps if he is used to getting sympathy, and money from you in this way, it might be a habit (i'm not suggesting a deliberate one) that he can't get out of.

I realise this is all of little help to you, but my Mum gradually snapped out of this kind of behaviour after she found out Iwas pregnant for the first time, I suppose it gave her a jolt to imagine what a grandchild would think of her. She perked up so much in fact, that she is now remarried (although still on high dose ADs)

In the absence of a life changing event, I can only suggest that you change your behaviour towards him, it sounds harsh, but I often have to think of my Mum in the same way I think of my children...ignore the bad, reward the positive.
Maybe you could think of some more exciting things to do with him, make him forget himself for a day, and then build on it.

Sorry for not being very helpful, I'm not sure what else to suggest, only that you try not to let it prey on your mind too much, I can imagine that you are always aware that something isn't quite right and that it's beyond your control, but you can't let go of it.

[alexa1]

Pupuce. I hope things are/will improve with your Dad. Let us know.

[pupuce]

Thanks ALexa - sadly I can't see the end of the tunnel on this one... I mean I can't see how and why he'd get better!!!
Thank you Missy too... I wish his grand children would give him some reason to even make an effort. Last time they saw him (bare in mind DS who is 6 was really keen to see hima dn is worried about him!!!!), my dad had not shaved, I had specifically asked him, he was wearing dirty clothes too...
He does not sound as bad with some of his friends but with his sister (who is basically as depressed.... so was their mum!) he has the same language and tone.
It really is "depressing" because I don't know if there is anything anyone can do for him....he has no money and no chance of future employment... he refuses to go to the exercise gym at his care home, he won't go to their weekly swimming session, he won't go out for walks (except to the pub or to his sister's), he doesn't even want to do volunteer work!
He has broken his clavicle (after having drank 1l of vodka! - he can attest that alcohol is a good anesthetic LOL) and then 3 weeks later broke 2 ribs (I don't think he was drunk that time but he is very unsteady on his feet due to all the drugs he is taking adn his lack of exercise)... and he is only 67!

[WigWamBam]

It may be that the alcohol is at the root of his problems - alcohol is a depressant and alcohol abuse can be the direct cause of depression and other kinds of mental illnesses.

Silly question I guess, but is there any chance at all of getting him off the booze?

If not, it might be worth you trying Al-Anon - they offer help to the families of people who abuse alcohol, and they might be worth a try.

[pupuce]

Thanks Wig wam... he hasn't got an alcohol problem... so he says !!!!!!!!! he is also a heavy smoker and he says he can't quit these things... Bare in mind that he has some £60 pocket money per month (he has no other money of any kind he has sold everything he had)... the £60 is DB and I giving him some + a tad bit from the government (they pay for his care home).... it all goes on booze and cheap tobacco.

He recently told me he is not drinking anymore......... I questionned it..... he then said well he has a couple of beers (it turns out to be 6) everty night and he will often drink cheap wine or worst vodka.

I have told him and I am sure his docs have too but I don't think he wants to...... I may call al-anon.... see if they ahve any idea.... but I fear that if he won't quit what can I do?

[twocatsonthebed]

Pupuce, this is a really hard one, and I know because I have had very similar problems with my mother. For many years she's been slowly letting the house slide into a chaotic decline (while, curiously, continually buying hoovers), drinking and chain smoking - all as the result of depression. And, like your father, she's also reliant on me for money, for complicated family history reasons.

While things have now got a bit better for her, I'm not sure how much of this is to do with me - so whether I can give you any suggestions that will work for you, I don't know. But here goes.

My immediate response is always to rush in and try and sort things out, tidy up, buy shelves, throw things away etc etc etc. But it was only when I went into counselling that I realised that this was making things worse not better, because it made her feel less competent and more useless. What my counsellor suggested was to spend more time just talking to her, rather than trying to 'fix' her. So I tried to go round a bit more (not sure whether this is an option for you, whether you are even in the same country), not to try and sort it out, and to try and ring in the morning, when she might be making sense (like you, ringing after 7 is impossible).

And gradually she has sought help for the drinking and the depression - although, like I say, how much of this she would have done on her own anyway, I don't know. But it took me a LOT of asking, repeatedly, gently, explaining how much it upset me to see her in this kind of state. I also think that my talking to her about my own counselling helped, as it enabled her to see that she wasn't the only one not coping, and so she wasn't a 'failure' if she went. But all of this only after years of resistance, refusing Alcoholics Anonymous, refusing to acknowledge any problem, having 'bad' reactions to anti-depressants etc etc etc.

I think the other thing that you have to do is accept that, in the end, you can't fix it. While things have got better - my mother is more cheerful, drinking less, looks better, does voluntary work - the garden was still coming in through the windows last time I visited. But she's an adult and that is her choice.

So I think in the end, inasmuch as I have a conclusion, I agree with Missycocker - the only thing you can do is change your own behaviour and hope that this makes a difference, but accept that it may not. And like you, incidentally, grandchildren may not be the answer for my mother - she seems to be finding it quite hard to deal with my pregnancy - her first grandchild. But her first child was a stillbirth, and this was the point at which things started to go wrong for her, so it brings back painful memories for her.

Not sure if this helps, but you are not the only one by any means.

[pupuce]

Good idea two cats... but after 12 years I have to question my desire and energy levels to do this... I will think about it though and talk to DB about it too....

[twocatsonthebed]

I know just what you mean. It's been a very two steps forward, one step back process for me, with long periods of not feeling like phoning, and plenty of trying to sort her out, interspersed with patches in which I try to listen. Very much a process, and one that's gone on over the last six or seven years (and I still couldn't resist pointing out the state of the garden when i was last there...).

[pupuce]

Thank you twocats.... very much food for thought.....