drug free ways to stop anxiety

[nearlythree]

Have had an awful day, and feeling really bad. I'm too anxious to let the dds do anything, we are all bored and stressed and I feel like the worse mummy on earth and that they'd all be better off without me.

My main fear is of the dds getting sick again, esp. dd2, and giving something to ds.

How do I deal with this?

[AndyJ]

Hi nearlythree

I have found that anxiety is one of the worst things to cope with but you can do it . It takes acceptance and perseverance and some days will be worse than others.

Breathing exercises have been invaluable to me in calming down when my anxiety levels have been very high. Have you tried any breathing exercises at all? I know it sounds like a really simple solution that could not possibly work but it really is the key when starting to combat anxiety. If you don't know any breathing exercises let me know and I will give you a couple of exercises.

The most important thing to do is not to tell yourself that you are the worst mummy in the world. I can guarantee you that you are not - just the fact that you are worried that you are the worst mummy tells me that you care about your kids.

Boredom and stress seem to be unavoidable during school holidays. Would it help to make a list of activities that might be enjoyable over the next couple of weeks and then make a commitment to yourself to do at least some of them? You don't have to tell the kids what any of them are and then they won't be disappointed if you feel that you can't do anything one day.

Let me know how you are getting on. The kids would definitely not be better off without you. I bet they love you dearly - they only have one mum in their hearts and she cannot be replaced.

AndyJ
xx

[1Baby1Bump]

i used to get an awful feeling of my heart being in my throat- i could feel it beating there.
i would go all sweaty and be petrified- of nothing!
it would creep up on me anywhere. i could even get it in bed.
i used to take 'kalms' tablets as they are non habit forming. you can get about 60 for approx. £8.
the attacks stopped almost straight away and i kept taking them and they also helped me sleep better.
once i have had this baby i will start again to see if they keep my pnd at bay as im scared i will get it again this time.
they really helped me and i know how u feel as anxiety attacks are awful.

[MissyCocker]

They definately wouldn't be better off without you.

I use Bach rescue remedy all the time for a quick pick up if I get anxious or tense, but it sounds like you need a bit more than that.

Do you get time to yourself that you could use to relax or perhaps go to a yoga class, some of the breathing techniques would really help to keep you calm.

Other than that, just try to keep your head above water, and tell yourself that you'll be a perfect Mummy tomorrow...works for me

[ledodgyrobespierre]

Go to your GP and asked to be referred for conginiative behavioural therapy you may have to wait a bit but it's brilliant and really works for anxiety issues. In January I could barely leave the house because of panic attacks and anxiety and now i'm fine after having a few months of CBT.

[ledodgyrobespierre]

*cogniative

[1Baby1Bump]

sorry i thought you were getting attacks!
i felt much more relaxed whilst taking these about everything in general. i took them for my driving lessons etc too.

[BrookeandTaylorsmummy]

I suffered with anxiety and found that cbt (cognitive behavioural therapy) worked for me (my health visitor sent me to my gp who sent me to my therapist), I was taught to change my thought process because I found that the slightest 'off' thought would turn into a huge dramatic catastrophe without anything actually happening. Did that make sense? I'm not sure if this helps you but thought I would give you another option. And btw you are not the worse mummy on earth, you are asking for advice and help, a big step in the right direction and I am sure you are a fabulous mummy xx

[nearlythree]

Thank you all so much for taking the time to reply.

Andy, I would be interested in breathing exercises. I thought about trying meditation too, and yoga, but finding the time with three kids under five isn't easy esp. as ds is only 3 mo.

I think I've got some kalms somewhere - must give them a go!

The cogniative behaviour therapy sounds good but I don't know how long it would take to get referred or if I would get the time to go for it. My hv has referred me to a hv counsellor but I don't know how much that will help. The reason I'm so anxious is that dd2 has been in hospital twice with suspected meningitis, the first when I was heavily pg and the second only the day after ds was born. We also lost one of dd1's friends to meningitis this year. Then just a couple of days' after we got home from hospital with nborn ds dd1 went down with CP and I was misinformed that ds had a 1 in 5 chance of dying if he got it. (He did get it and sailed through it.) Then dd2 got a horrible dose of CP, on top of whatever weird virus it was that hospitalised her, and just two weeks' ago she had another virus with massive temp. spikes, and now we all have colds, and I just don't see any end in sight. And I don't know how I am going to cope with yet another night of checking temps, giving nurofen and calpol, looking for rashes esp. with tiny ds, and it will happen sooner or later. So it's not really that I'm anxious for no reason, I think I've got a bloody good reason to be anxious (and angry too, that these precious days have been taken away from us) and I don't know how to make it go away.

[MissyCocker]

What a terrible time...no wonder you're on edge.

I would give the kalms and rescue remedy a go, see if you can get through the next few weeks, if it doesn't get better, then perhaps see your GP?

I have 3 very little ones as well, and am finding things quite hard, and no-one's even poorly in our house.

[nearlythree]

Thanks, MissyCocker. I feel a bit of a fraud really as at least our three are all at home and okay. What my friend has gone through with the death of her ds is just unimaginably awful.

And it is hard with three at home so you have my sympathies, at least I have dh around most of the time to help.

[nearlythree]

Thanks, Andy, I will give the breathing exercise a go.

Rest doesn't help much as when I fall asleep I have bad dreams. I don't always remember them but I wake up in a panic. I get by on about 4 hrs a night as I hate going to bed, and I hate waking up.

[BrookeandTaylorsmummy]

Nearlythree, how are you doing today? hope things are a little better, sending you a hug

[nearlythree]

Hello, Brookeandtaylorsmummy, thanks for the hug. Still feeling all knotted up, I get a huge adrenaline rush whenever I wake up and this morning was just awful. Apart from anything else, feeling like this is so boring and I'm so angry with myself for feeling this way. I went through a similar time after dd1 was born, we nearly lost her during delivery. With dd2 everything went well and I felt fine. I'm so angry it's happened again this time around. My kids are the world to me and I should be enjoying them, not couping us up here like a bunch of hermits.

[BrookeandTaylorsmummy]

Ahhh dont be angry with yourself, you have had so much to deal with that you are going to feel the way you do and I think you are doing the best thing by your family, why do something that you apparently 'should' be doing when it wouldn't feel right to you? Take things at your own pace and only do things you feel comfortable with, and that make you feel safe. Like I said before you are asking for help and advice and that is the first and hardest step so you are on the right track. My situation was nothing like yours and I think you are doing so well. I had all the same feelings you are having, not sleeping, night terrors, I still now am unable to go out on my own for a long time or too far away from home, its not great but I got to this stage slowly and I am getting there slowly at my own pace. I wish I could help more, but I hope that talking like this is helping you to feel a little better xx

[nearlythree]

You sound like you are doing so well. Thing is, I know I'm holding the dds back esp. dd1 who wants to know why she isn't going to the seaside or on holiday like all her friends. She is so bored. I had a chat with dh tonight and he said things can't go on like they are, he knows I'm not doing them any good too. Wish I could just get over it. I've got a temperature and I'm worried I've got something I can pass onto the kids and make them ill again. I can't stop crying and just want to feel normal again. Right now the future seems really bleak.

[BrookeandTaylorsmummy]

Sorry for the delay, is there anyone else (aunties/uncles/grandparents/close friends) that you woould feel happy to take the children out, to the park or something,that'll give you a little rest and get them out of the house a bit? Believe me you are going in the right direction, you have realised and accepted that something isn't quite right and you want to do something about it, if its anyhting like I feel sometimes you want to do something about it but part of you is a little scared to right?? I wish I could ressure you more that you are going in the right direction albeit a little slow for you but it is in the right direction. A friend of mine did cbt but it was through a private counsellor and it was done in the evenings it cost her £20 (ish) per session, if possible perhaps you could consider that and see if there is something available for you, my sessions only lasted an hour each time so maybe dh could watch the children? Mine were during the day and I couldn't bear to have my dd away from me for anytime at all (I was pregnant with ds at the time) so my nan would wait outside for me with her, she found it a little inconvenient but understood, she has been my rock and I dont know what I woould have done without her. One piece of advice I would give is not to look to the future I did that and all I saw was a dark place, my thereapist told me just to look to the next hour, then the next day, week, 2 weeks etc. That way life doesn't seem so scarey. I'm not sure if this is helping, I hope it is, take care and I'll be here if you need me xx

[AndyJ]

Hello nearlythree - just to let you know I am thinking about you today and hoping you are having a better day .

I agree with everything that B&Tsmummy says. Because of the stage you are at at the moment you won't fully appreciate that you are actually making progress - I promise you. Depression and anxiety are full of good days and bad days and you have to take each day as it comes and not look to the future as B&Tsmummy says. I am sorry that you are not getting much sleep as this definitely doesn't help. I take a herbal remedy called 5HTP which I get from the health food shop it really helps me a lot. I think it does something to the serotonin levels in the brain and helps to make you feel drowsy. I always have a better nights sleep after taking it and usually then take it in the mornings as well. Do you want any more info about it?

I have to say that mornings are also my worst time. I can wake up feeling terribly anxious and dreading the day ahead but I don't usually feel like that all day. I try to get out of bed straightaway and not dwell on it. Then I try to keep busy with little tasks and eventually find that I am feeling better. Sometimes taking my DD for a walk first thing in the morning helps to but you might not have time to do this?

I have some tips on really good books to read aswell but don't want to bombard you with info. Let me know if you are interested. Hope you log on today and let us know how you are getting on.

AndyJxxx

[sleepysooz]

Hia! how awful for you to be suffering like this, I know whats its like not being able to enjoy your kiddies, its like someone has taken your precious gifts and not let you have them!

Take care and don't be hard on yourself, andy below seems a good friend to have, good luck!

[AndyJ]

Hey nearlythree

Would love to know how you are getting on?

[nearlythree]

Hi, Andy, sorry, this is the first chance I've had to reply!

Thank you B&TsMummy, Andy and sleepy. I'm having a better day today, thank you, I think letting it all out at the weekend helped. A friend came around with her dd and our dds had a great day playing with her, and it was really nice to feel normal. I've decided to just try and get on with things, so I've found a few things we can do before dd1 starts school in Sept and I'm also thinking about taking dd2 to toddler group, which will be a real test for me as other peoples' toddlers always seem to be snot-ridden! But she needs to get socialising if she is going to be ready for pre-school in November. I know there will be days when I'm not feeling up to this but I'm giving it a try. I am determined not to let this ruin my life with my precious children.

Actually, when I think about it I can see progress that I've made. When I got back from hospital I could barely hold dd2, it broke my heart just to look at her and it took me ages to reconnect with her. But now we are closer than ever, in fact I am having to keep checking I don't favour her over the others. And I'm eating okay, which I wasn't before.

Andy, thank you so much for your help and concern. It's not that I can't sleep, but that I don't want to. When I was in hospital I kept getting woken up with news on dd2, and then when we were home every time I woke up dh had some more bad news for me re the dds getting ill. Now when I get woken up from sleep I get flashbacks to those experiences, and I hate it. I also hate the fact that night-time means that tomorrow is near, and tomorrow may bring yet more s**t. I don't like looking to the short-term future, I prefer looking into the distance when the children are bigger and are (in my mind at any rate) less vulnerable to illness, and I've put this behind me. But I know I should try and sleep more. I would definitely be interested in some book titles, reading is the one thing I seem to manage to find time for. I also like your idea about not hanging about in the mornings, I will give that a go.

B&T'sMummy, I don't know if I feel scared, more like I'd rather deal with this on my own, with the minimum fuss. When I had dd1 I felt similarly, although my fears were more vague than they are now, but I didn't do anything and when I felt better I was glad I hadn't. Don't know why, I don't feel there is any stigma attched to it or anything, it's just the way I am. Thank you for your comments, you have helped enormously and it is nice to know you are here.

sleepysooz, you are so right about feeling robbed. I love my children more than anything and know how quickly it goes. I think one of the hardest things is that parenthood is full of loss the whole time. My dd1 is a lovely little girl but she'll never again be the cuddly toddler or sweet newborn she once was. Dd2 is no longer a baby but s tubborn toddler with a will of iron, and even ds isn't really a newborn any more. It goes in a flash, and I am so angry that I'm not able to make the most of these precious moments - I know full well we'll never get them back again.

[sleepysooz]

nearlythree - I to have got to start preparing my twins 2.10 for playschool in september, and am worried about like you say snot ridden children with germs to sink a battleship!

My 10 yo DS1 was always ill and it took alot of nerve to keep taking him back to these bug ridden surroundings, constant cold, catarhh, sick! cold catarhh, sick!

Its the hardest thing being a parent to a poorly child, the last time my twins were sick I had to leave the house to gather myself, because it made me feel so retched myself! Its so hard having to pull yourself together to deal with poorly babies!

I suppose its part of the package! I'll just have to buck up and get on with it!

[sleepysooz]

It would also be nice to enjoy kiddies instead of constant worry! I can't remember the 1st 6 months of twins life, it was just too overwhelming, daunting and worrying!

I see pictures of twins and I don't recognise them, thats why I personally feel robbed. I also feel sad when I see other babies, cause they are so lovely and I lost that, or didn't even feel it with the twins!

[AndyJ]

Nearlythree, it is great to hear that you are feeling so much more positive!

I know that you might not want to go to some of the groups sometimes but the fact that they are there to go to and you know that you will try your best to go is briliant support.

Like Sleepy says it is horrible to find that your babies are growing up and feel that you haven't made the best of those precious months. I feel like that quite a lot too but I try to focus on the positive things I have done with my DD rather than the negative times which my health visitor has assured me she won't remember! It is like when you go on holiday with them and have a brilliant time - it doesn't matter how good a time they have - in the early months they will not remember a thing about it.

The best book I ever read was "Self Help for your Nerves" by Dr Clare Weeks. This book has been out for years and years but it is still available to buy in the shops because it is so good. It has never gone out of production. I originally found it in the library and it was honestly my lifesaver. I really hope that you decide to read it and get something out of it. Let me know if you manage to get hold of it.

Hope you stay positive and your DH is supportive.

Stay in touch.

AndyJ

[nearlythree]

Hi again! Sleepy, I am so sorry to hear about how hard you found it when your twins were small. Do you have boys or girls? I look at pics of me with dd1 as a baby and feel so sorry for the person on the photo, it's as though it isn't me. But I found my senses really heightened by it, I have some very vivid memories with dd1 that I don't have with dd2.

I saw my hv today and she was really reassuring re the illness thing. I know how hard you will find it as I have the same thing, but she made me see that each illness makes them stronger, and each year makes them less vulnerable, and although having sick kids is distressing they do come through it. Is your hv any good? Mine is so fab and so practical at things like this, our family really love her.

I think one of the things that really annoys me is when mums take obviously sick kids to toddler group so they can have a chat, or send them to pre-school so they don't miss their gym session.

Andy, thank you, I have found the book you recommend on Amazon, and also an audio version so have ordered both. Today I got up early with the dds and I feel so much better for it.

Dh is being great although I think he finds it hard to understand.

Thanks for being around.

N3