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Talk to me about ADs - should I ask for them?

(11 Posts)
AbouttoCrack Wed 22-Jan-14 12:52:03

I'm going to try not to ramble here. Bute there's a lot. So here is a not so brief summary of my woes.

DS1 aged 10 has AS (dx) and possibly ADHD (ndx) and as much as I love him, he is a total and utter nightmare. Every aspect of dealing with him is very difficult. (Oppositional, VERY noisy, physically aggressive, impulsive, never seems to sit down and chill out, (unless on nintendo 3DS) very mean (physically) to his brother, won;t do anything for himself, won't do anything for anyone else, always complaining about everything I or DH or DS2 does, can;t really hold a two way conversation....)

DH has AS traits too. Our marriage is shit. He is horrible and angry all the time, though he would probably say the same thing about me. (I think he could do with ADs too tbh - he could probably write this thread himself) (Mrs T and Gmama etc - I'm on your threads already! NC for this)

DS2 aged 8 (NT) is wonderful, but I really worry for his mental health too as he is impacted very badly by his brothers behaviour...and his Dad's...and probably my stress too. He sees me crying several times a week at the moment. He bears the brunt of the physical stuff from DS1. Can't leave him alone with DS1 or he will cop a punch or something. Not even to go for a quick wee. I need to make sure he is safe and away from DS1 if I have to go.

When I am not working, I am at home trying to manage DS1, negotiating the battlefields of fields of homework, mealtimes, bedtimes, etc.. and keep myself and everyone calm (stop myself from flipping out and smashing DS1 in the face or something) and keep myself and DS2 safe from DS1 when he is raging and melting down. DH does as much as he can, but both boys want me rather than him, as he is an 'angry' person, so I end up doing almost everything for the boys in the evenings.

I work FT, have been in the same job for years, but there are big changes afoot at my company and I am currently finding it all very stressful, but it pays well and I need the money so would find it very hard to downgrade or reduce my hours. Ideally I would like to work 3 days a week, but on the same hourly rate, I don;t think my company will let me reduce my hours again due to our companies current situation. I haven;t applied for a job for 20 years but I am very doubtful I would find something suitable without a huge pay drop.

I have let myself go - totally - put on tons of weight – my skin is horrific for the first time since I was a teen, I wear the same shit clothes every day. I hate the way I have aged about 20 years in the last 5. The house is a tip. I’m 46 – so hormonal changes may be a factor here. Don’t know.

I just never want to do anything. I am finding it a massive struggle to get out of bed in the mornings, and drag myself to work. I am now getting a physical sinking feeling of dread every day walking up the same stairs at my work for almost 20 years. I keep crying.

I have a feeling I am depressed, but I am a bit scared of going on ADs. My aunt ( with some of the same issues as me) went on them 40 years ago and has never stopped taking them. I hear about all sorts of side effects and that concerns me.

I don’t even know what I am asking. How can I manage all this without cracking up I suppose?

violator Wed 22-Jan-14 14:50:07

OK well here's my honest opinion.

ADs can be great, but they won't change your circumstances.
I took them but I also made changes to the things that had me depressed and anxious in the first place. It meant I could come off them and be optimistic that I could help prevent relapse.
I have friends who've been on ADs for years like your aunt, but they can't or won't make the changes necessary in life to ease the stress so they need to stay on them.

Is there anything you can do to make life easier for yourself? You certainly have a lot to deal with there at the moment, and it probably seems overwhelming to you at the moment.
I'm sorry I don't know too much about AS, but are there any supports in place for you and/or your DS and DH?

AbouttoCrack Wed 22-Jan-14 16:41:06

I'm hoping to be made redundant. It's on the cards as we are outsourcing some types of roles to India , but I am more likely v to be considered a "subject matter expert" and retained. . If I am made redundant I will get a big fat cheque as I have been there since the last Ice Age and an in a good wage. If it happens, it is likely to be in the summer. .. This would mean I could have a few months off. . Enough perhaps to see ds1 settled into secondary school next Sept. This is a transition I am already fretting over as he doesn't do 'change' well, and we are likely to cop the flack.

I think to be honest I am going to have to resign from my job. I have started to mske mistakes and forget stuff. Resigning means no payout though.

I have found virtually no professional support for AS. In my County there are three support workers covering 2000 families. They are trying to set up more local parent support groups, but that may well be the blind leading the blind. Basically I've been given the impression that once diagnosis has been confirmed you're on your own.

violator Wed 22-Jan-14 16:51:54

Do you think you could hold out for redundancy or would it push you over the edge? If you know you're out of there soon you might find you're not allowing yourself to be as stressed - after all it's a temporary thing if you know what I mean.

Have you any family around who can help you out, give you a break from it all every so often? Even one hour alone can make a big difference.

Khimaira Wed 22-Jan-14 18:38:53

Can't comment on AD's or work. Just wondered if you could take your DS2 for a weekend trip away, give him (and you) a break.

SilverStars Wed 22-Jan-14 18:57:51

Hi - as others have said, AD's can help with depressive symptoms but not life factors and stresses. Why not talk to your Gp about your dc, stress at work etc and see what the Gp suggests?

Could you ask for a referral for extra support through children's social care? They may be able to get you respite, a support worker, help with transition to secondary etc? As you say there are not many support workers in your area, but if SC provide funding then you should get the support from the funding? I know several people who have really had to push for respite care etc, but it has benefitted their other dd's etc.

Workwise, sounds awful. If redundancy looming I would try and hold out if it was me. They may ask for people to take redundancy which you could volunteer for if they do it that way? Also before you resign you have probably a good sick leave package, so could get signed off with stress by a Gp and give you time to rest and see what helps and what does not?

Oblomov Wed 22-Jan-14 19:03:07

Just support message.
I am in very similar situation. Ds1's AS is mild, but there is zero support.
My dh is lovely. But the stress makes my diabetes unmanageable.
My gp doesn't think ad's are the answer for me.
But she has no other suggestions. I don't even think I'm depressed.
But I sure can't cope with what I've got.
I'd like to see someone else, one of these testy health professionals that I've met at camhs etc, walk a mike in my shoes!!
I can't offer any solutions. Because I've been searching for them myself, for the last 3 years.
But I can offer you a sympathetic hug.

somewherebecomingrain Wed 22-Jan-14 20:59:43

ADs are a good idea. I feel for you hugely. Forget about your aunt it was v different 40 years ago. Taking an ssri can be transformative - it's like a magic pill that gives you confidence, a clear head, energy and ideas. Be kind to yourself and give it a shot.

AbouttoCrack Wed 22-Jan-14 22:14:17

I think I am going to have to hang out to see if I get made redundant. They are not offering voluntary redundancy. We v are going through a 'consultation period' and that has already been ruled out. I am going to argue if they don't give it v to me, but will walk away if i lose the battle. But can't let v them know my feelings yet otherwise they'll just c wait for me to resign and save themselves a packet. This crap is awful.

My mum has the boys once a week after school till I get home from work, and I get 40 mins to myself in the car commuting every day I go into the office.i think I will see what happens with the job before consulting the GP.
Yes ds2 and I would LOVE to get away for a few days. A few days of two people getting on well with each other with no screaming involved would be welcome to both of us. . It would be hard on ds1 and dh though being
left with each other. Dh would sulk for weeks.

Thanks so much for answering me all of you. It feels better just to be able v to share my feelings. My mum v is nearby but she hates me talking about my troubles with ds1. He is the golden 1st grandchild.

BrokenBananaTantrum Wed 22-Jan-14 22:18:27

My experience of AD's was positive. They weren't a magic happy pill but they gave me some space on my head which meant I could deal with the other stuff going in my life at the time. It can take a few tries to get one that will work for you and in my case they initially made me more anxious but long term they really helped. X

somewherebecomingrain Mon 27-Jan-14 07:18:56

How are you doing abouttocrack? X

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